Parody on Father Guido Sarducci
Vita est Lavorum. That means “life is a job.” That’s-a what-a we found out — life is hard, you think it’s difficult sometimes? That’s-a because it’s a JOB! We’re all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don’t sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years… it’s-a nothing to sneeze your nose at.
And-a, what happens to you when-a you die… you know, it’s like-a the soul leaves the body, it’s like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel — but you’re not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby… ’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And you get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know — there is-a NO free lunch.
So I’m-a thinking. I get to heaven, and San Pietro, he examines the ledger, and he finds my entry. Yes, I’m-a in the book. And wouldn’t it be my luck. I’m-a 35 cents short.
I’m-a telling you, that’s life.