Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

When bill arrived back at the farm after a trip into town, he found Martha waiting for him on the front porch.

“What’s up, Babes?” he asked.

“”We have a problem with the tractor,” she replied.”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with it?” he asked.

“It’s got water in the carburetor,” she responded.

“No, that can”t be,” Bill said.

“Well, it’s true,” she insisted.

Bill decided to see for himself. “All right. I’ll have a look at it. Where’s the tractor?”

“It’s in the pool.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

This I recall from Readers Digest, decades ago.

Yoeman Brown, was gathering the admiral’s papers after his retirement. Brown was sure he had everything from the admiral’s office, but then he checked a small drawer in the desk. He opened the drawer and found a sheet of paper. On the paper was a short sentence.

Port is on the left, starboard is on the right.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

I get complaints. Not really, but suppose I got complaints. Some of the jokes are actually funny. I can fix that. I asked Google to point me toward some stupid boss jokes. Even that didn’t go well. Here is one of the hits, without attribution.

Casey M
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
(insert: you saying “R”)
You’d think it’d be the “R” but it’s the “C.”

Jasmine E
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!”

Kat J
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.

See what I mean?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Friday Funny

Number 189 of a series

So I’m binging a re-run TV series on Hulu. It’s Shark, featuring James Woods as a nearly ethical Los Angeles County prosecutor. In one episode his team is investigating the possibility a lecherous doctor has murdered one of his patients. So the team’s investigator (Henry Simmons) enters with a stack of paperwork he has pulled on the good doctor. He announces:

This guy’s got more holding companies than Donald Trump.

More holding companies than Donald Trump? Now that is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A selection especially for math lovers

2. Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can’t even.

3. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.

6. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

7. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

8. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

9. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

10. Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

11. How come old math teachers never die?

They tend to just lose some of their functions.

12. My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

13. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

14. Did you hear the one about the statistician.

Probably.

15. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

16. A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

This page has a total of 56 of these, that is if numbers matter.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Ben and Mildred got married right out of college, and after 20 years in the business world Ben was vice president of a large commercial bank. The couple lived in a spacious home in an exclusive neighborhood.

However, when Ben came home from work one day Mildred was waiting for him. “I want a divorce, Ben,” she told him.

Ben asked why. She told him, “Last night when Sally and I were out shopping, when you said you would be working late, I saw you going into a bar with a woman. I won’t stay with a husband who is unfaithful to me.”

“Mildred,” Ben told her. “You don’t understand. She is my mistress. All successful men have mistresses. It’s a status symbol that goes with what we have accomplished.”

“I don’t believe you, ” Mildred told him.”

“I will show you,” Ben said. Come with me right now, and I will show you.”

So they went out, and they went to a swanky club. Ben and Mildred sat at a table and waited. Presently, Jim, the bank president came in. He had a much younger woman with him, and they sat at a table and talked intimately. Then Ben and Mildred left.

On the ride back Mildred was silent. “So, what do you think?” Ben asked.

“Our mistress is prettier than Jim’s.” she said.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Discovered on my Facebook feed from a friend

I was having breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter when I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

Without skipping a beat she replied, “It’s Presidents Day.”

She’s so smart, so I asked her, “What does President’s Day mean?” I was expecting her to mention Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln or some famous president.

She responded, “President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow it means we’re going to have six more weeks of bull shit.”

I’m setting aside a fund for her college education.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Not a joke this time, rather a collection from a pamphlet titled Atheists Say the Darndest Things.

  1. A belief is not true because it is useful: Amiel Journal
  2. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows faith does not prove anything: Friedrich Nietzsche
  3. Ignorance is the mother of true piety: Henry Cole, Dean of St. Paul’s 1559
  4. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us it’s schizophrenic: Lily Tomlin
  5. To all things clergic, I am allergic: Alexander Woolcott
  6. “God” is a three-letter word meaning “I don’t know:” anonymous
  7. Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by the dozens: Montaigne
  8. Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the Unknowable: Ambrose Bierce

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Get Up and Bar the Door

It fell about the Martinmas time,
And a gay time it was then,
When our goodwife got puddings to make,
And she ’s boild them in the pan.

The wind sae cauld blew south and north,
And blew into the floor;
Quoth our goodman to our goodwife,
“Gae out and bar the door.”

“My hand is in my hussyfskap,
Goodman, as ye may see;
An it shoud nae be barrd this hundred year,
It ’s no be barrd for me.”

They made a paction tween them twa,
They made it firm and sure,
That the first word whaeer shoud speak,
Shoud rise and bar the door.

Then by there came two gentlemen,
At twelve o clock at night,
And they could neither see house nor hall,
Nor coal nor candle-light.

“Now whether is this a rich man’s house,
Or whether is it a poor?”
But neer a word wad ane o them speak,
For barring of the door.

And first they ate the white puddings,
And then they ate the black;
Tho muckle thought the goodwife to hersel,
Yet neer a word she spake.

Then said the one unto the other,
“Here, man, tak ye my knife;
Do ye tak aff the auld man’s beard,
And I ’ll kiss the goodwife.”

“But there ’s nae water in the house,
And what shall we do than?”
What ails thee at the pudding-broo,
That boils into the pan?”

O up then started our goodman,
An angry man was he:
“Will ye kiss my wife before my een,
And scad me wi pudding-bree?”

Then up and started our goodwife,
Gied three skips on the floor:
“Goodman, you’ve spoken the foremost word,
Get up and bar the door.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Straight from Facebook to you:

So I was in the pet store, and I told the owner I wanted an unusual pet. So he tells me how about this giant centipede? And I say so it’s a big centipede, but what of it? And he says this centipede can talk, so I think what have I got to lose, so I take home the centipede.

And now I’m thinking what was I thinking. A centipede that can talk? So I try to get the centipede to say something, and I tell him I’m going out for a beer.

Nothing. The centipede doesn’t say anything, so I go about my business around the house, but soon I’m starting to think maybe I would like to go out for a beer, and I get ready to leave. I tell the centipede I’m going out for a beer, and the centipede says, “I heard you the first time. I just need to get my shoes on.”