Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Still lazy. I was out of town for four weeks. Here are some one-liners from Red Skelton:

I married Miss Right. I just didn’t know her first name was Always

Old age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.

All men make mistakes, but married men find out about them sooner.

Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime.

People think I am dead because they haven’t seen me around for awhile. I’m not dead, I’m very much alive, as you can see. Although, there are two things I do before I get up every morning. I look around and if I don’t smell flowers or see candles flickering I go ahead and get up.

I don’t hate my enemies. After all, I made ’em.

My doctor said I look like a million dollars – green and wrinkled.

Recipe for a happy marriage: My wife and I always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. ‘Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!’ she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

Congress: Bingo with billions.

I was a sober as the next guy. The only problem is the next guy was Dean Martin.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Lazy today. Here are some on-liners from Bob Hope:

I have the perfect simplified tax form for government… why don’t they just print our money with a return address on it? 

I need money… I have a staff of 30, and four houses, never mind the government, to support.

It gave dirty politics a bad name.

I love to go to Washington – if only to be near my money.

You never had to ask his score; just count the casualties.

If I’m on the course and lightning starts, I get inside fast… if God wants to play through, let him.

If they liked you, they didn’t applaud – they just let you live.

Golf is my real profession – show business pays my greens fees.

I grew up with six brothers; that’s how I learned to dance – waiting for the bathroom.

At the Academy Award Dinners all the actors and actresses in Hollywood gather around to see what someone else thinks about their acting besides their press agents.

I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

This one is from way back. It’s from the days when business still ran on the American rail system.

Stennis Overmeyer, president of the Tuscalusa National Bank sat at his desk on a Monday morning and dictated a letter to his secretary. It read:

From: Stennis Overmeyer, President Tuscalusa National Bank, Tuscalusa Mississippi

To: Hamilton Treadwell, president of Ohio and Topeka Railroad, Cleveland, Ohio

Dear sir:

As president of the Tuscalusa National bank I travel extensively on business. Of late I have been taking business trips to Chicago on your railroad, and have previously been satisfied with the service. However, circumstances of my most recent trip merit your attention.

On my recent trip back from Chicago I bedded down in one of your highly-advertised sleeper cars and immediately found something amiss. There was a bedbug on the sheet. Looking, I found two more.

Since my bank does considerable rail travel for business, I feel we deserve your attention to this unspeakable insult. Please advise me by return mail that you will personally look into this matter and rectify the situation. I expect to have no similar unpleasant experiences on your railroad in the future,

Yours sincerely,

Stennis Overmeyer
President Tuscalusa National Bank

A few days passed and Mr. Overmeyer received the following response. Disregarding the formalities, the letter read as such:

My dear Mr. Overmeyer,

I have reviewed your complaint, and I have personally looked into the matter. I can assure you this kind of thing never happens on the T&O line, and I have ordered a thorough investigation and have taken steps to ensure no such incidents ever occur in the future. I have gone to the lengths of firing the conductor of the train in question.

I appreciate your patronage, and I look forward to our continued business relationship.

There followed the usual courteous sign off wishing Mr. Overmeyer well. But there was something more. A short note on a small piece of paper, left unnoticed, was still attached. It read:

Jack, send this joker bug letter number 2.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

From a page of Milton Berle quotes:

My wife and I have a perfect understanding. I don’t try to run her life, and I don’t try to run mine.

You can lead a man to Congress, but you can’t make him think.

The problem with life is, by the time you can read women like a book, your library card has expired.

My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. I think he was right. I feel ten years older already.

You’re aging when your actions creak louder than your words.

I’d rather be a could-be if I cannot be an are; because a could-be is a maybe who is reaching for a star. I’d rather be a has-been than a might-have-been, by far; for a might have-been has never been, but a has was once an are.

This is how it is today: The teachers are afraid of the principals. The principals are afraid of the superintendents. The superintendents are afraid of the board of education. The board is afraid of the parents. The parents are afraid of the children. The children are afraid of nothing!

In Washington, a man gets up to speak and doesn’t say a thing, and the other men disagree with him for three hours.

Folk who don’t know why America is the Land of Promise should be here during an election campaign.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

From a page or Rodney Dangerfield one-liners

“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon…”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.”

“I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.”

“I have three kids, one of each.”

“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

“Boy what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel!”

“I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, ‘On your mark… ‘”

“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

From a page of Johnny Carson one-liners

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.”

“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'”

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself.”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/johnnycarsonjokes.html

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor.

After examining him the doctor took his wife aside and said, “Your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king., which means you are at his beck and call 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.”

On the way home the husband asked his wife, with a note of concern, “What did he say?”

She turned to him and gently told him, “He said it looks like you’re probably  not going to make it.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives she suggests seductively that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him,” she says, running her hands up through his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” the barman replies, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, I need you to give him a message,” she continues in a husky voice, popping two of her slender fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?”

“Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the lady’s room.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Jake had a long and successful career pitching in the major leagues. But those days were long past, and as he lay dying his friend Ernest, who had played second base, came to visit.

“Ernie,” Jake said, “After i die I’m going to come back and visit you.”

“No way,” Ernie replied.”

“No. I will. I promise,” Jake told him.

Shortly after, Jake died, and Ernie mourned his passing. Then one night he was awakened in the middle of his sleep. He opened his eyes, and he saw the apparition of his friend Jake standing before him.

“Jake, is it really you?” Ernie asked.

“Yes, Ernie. It’s me. Your old friend Jake.”

“You’re dead?”

“What else?”

“What’s it like.”

“It’s wonderful, Ernie. I’m in Heaven.”

“Heaven! Jake, that’s wonderful. Tell me about Heaven.”

“Well, there’s the good news, and there’s the bad news. First, you won’t believe it, but I play baseball every day. And all the big guys are here. Just yesterday I pitched against Babe Ruth, and I struck him out.”

“Wow! That’s fantastic. What’s the bad news.”

“You are pinch hitting this Saturday.”

This is your president speaking.

Number 212 in a series

And now a few words from the President of the United States.

For all of the money we are spending, NASA should NOT be talking about going to the Moon – We did that 50 years ago. They should be focused on the much bigger things we are doing, including Mars (of which the Moon is a part), Defense and Science!

No, wait. He didn’t just say that. He did. He really did! He didn’t mean it, though. Maybe he did. Oh my GOD!

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

I was reading that an Italian woman won the Olympic gold medal in the 400-meter free-style swimming competition. Not only did she win, but she beat the rest of the field by five seconds. The reporter asked her how she trained. “Do you have a personal trainer?”

“Oh, no. I get all the training I need in my job.”

“In your job? Really? What do you do?”

“I’m a street walker in Venice.”