Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Two hunters are preparing for an outing, and they both take a course on hunting safety. There is an examination at the end, and both do well.

Comes the second day of their hunting expedition, and they figure they are hopeless lost in the woods. They think back to the safety course they took.

“It says we should shoot three times into the air and wait for somebody to come find us. They do that, and they wait.

They figure they need to repeat the process, and they do. Then they wait.

By now it’s dark, and they are faced with the prospect of spending the night lost in the woods.

“What do you think we should do?” one asks.

The other responds, “Let’s give it one more try before we give up.”

The other hunter has some bad news. “But we only have two arrows left.”

Advertisements

Friday Funny

Number 77 of a series

Same as last week. Please note that Loyce Fredrikson’s avatar is an elephant.

Is there such a thing as “dumb shaming?” Is it a horrible thing to do? Should people be publicly humiliated for being terminally stupid? Is this funny or just plain nasty. Who cares? Loyce Fredrikson may be stupid beyond what the law allows, but inadvertently she is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A vampire bat returned to the bat colony after a night of feasting. The other bats noticed his face was covered in blood. He had obviously been fortunate in finding an abundant source. They beseeched him to disclose his find. He refused and hung silently from his perch.

The other bats harangued him ceaselessly until he finally relented. “Follow me,” he told them, and he flew off. He finally came to rest in a peach orchard overlooking a farm house.

“You see that house over there?” he asked.

They all said they did.

“You see that large oak in front of the house?”

The all agreed. They saw it.

“Well, I didn’t,” he told them.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A Jew was riding on the train, and he was reading an Arab newspaper. His friend asked him what was up. Why was he reading an Arab newspaper.

“It’s this way,” the friend responded. “I read The Times of Israel, and all I see is Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked. It’s depressing.”

“So?” the other man inquired. “What’s with the Arab paper?”

“I read the Arab news,” the Jew responds. “Jews control the news. Jews are behind the global economy. Jews are a global menace. It’s much more uplifting.”

Friday Funny

Number 75 of a series

In August this year nature struck the great state of Texas a terrible blow. Possibly 100,000 homes have been destroyed, many owners without flood insurance. Lives have been lost, and as I write this the death toll continues to climb. But I have worse to report.

The United States of America has suffered a tremendous loss of its own, something from which it may never recover. It has lost the southern state of Mississippi. I would laugh, but it hurts too much.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A doctor finished examining a patient, and he came to troubling conclusion. He told the man to wait outside, and he called the man’s wife in for a talk.

“Ms. Thompson, your husband’s situation is critical. You are going to need to take care of him, else he will die. He needs bed rest. He needs to quit his job, and he shouldn’t be doing any work around the house. Serve him all his meals in bed. I hope you understand.”

The wife told the doctor she understood, and she left with her husband to go home. In the car the husband asked if  the doctor had given him any information he should know.

“He did, my dear,” the wife responded. “He says you’re going to die.”

Friday Funny

Number 74 of a series

Yeah, I’m being lazy again. Casting about for something funny this Friday I lurched over to the cross-over world of politics and religion. And this I found most amusing:

During last year’s presidential campaign, some Christian leaders compared Donald Trump to various biblical kings, most often as a modern-day David, an imperfect man chosen by God to lead Israel.

On Tuesday, televangelist Paula White, a prosperity gospel pastor and spiritual adviser to Trump, made another scriptural comparison — this time between the president and a Jewish woman in the bible.

That appeared in The Washington  Post last week. For additional clarification:

“Because God says that he raises up and places all people in places of authority it is God who raises up a king. It is God that sets one down,” White said on the show.

For those wondering how Donald Trump became President of the United States, now you have your answer. Please try not to laugh.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A blonde was suffering severe pain, and she went to see her doctor.

“Doctor,” she told him. “It hurts everywhere.”

The Doctor asked her to show him where it hurt. “Touch the place where it hurts.”

She touched her elbow. “Ouch! That hurts.”

She touched her thigh. “Ouch! That hurts.”

She touched her nose. “Ouch! That hurts.”

“Stop,” Said the doctor. “I see what the problem is. Your index finger is broken.”

Friday Funny

Number 73 of a series

It’s Friday again, and something is always funny. Sometimes “funny” translates to “can you believe he really said that?” Here is Christian evangelist and convicted felon Jim Bakker laying out the truth for today:

“I believe a rainbow speaks of God’s covenant and over the White House, I think God is telling America He is in covenant with us,” Biltz said. “He is in covenant with us, that’s why it’s over the White House … It represents the nation and God is saying He’s in covenant with us and that why it’s so important for us, then, to heed the warning and to repent. That’s why we also have the solar eclipse coming across, because God wants [us to repent.]”

Of course, God started this message on its way millions of years ago, because that’s how far in the future astronomers can predict solar eclipses with any accuracy. What this fountain of wisdom is telling us is that God also arranged for Barack Obama to be President for eight years, else why would God have previously arranged for this week’s eclipse?

This is humorous almost without parallel.