Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Some background. I was watching this TV episode that involved an FBI agent. He was trying to smoke out a suspect who attended open mic sessions. So he went on with a set of jokes written on cards as part of his ruse. He read off a few, and he was getting no laughs. So he went ad lib.

I once shot an unarmed man. Forget that I was the one who shot his arms off.

The judge asked me, “Did you commit this murder?” I told him I did not. He asked, “Do you know the penalty for perjury?” I told him, I did not, but I was sure it was a lot less than the penalty for murder.

Friday Funny

Number 198 of a series

So it’s Tuesday when I’m thinking about scheduling some blog posts for the remainder of the week. As I write this it’s early morning, and the FACT luncheon is scheduled for 1:00 p.m., and I don’t want to get too deep into something and have to break it off when time comes to head out for the Asian Star. And my quandary was thus: work up a blog post or catch something on TV.

TV won out, because it’s a dark and wet morning, and the house is quiet and ideal for chilling out. So I brought up the next episode of Bones, a series that ran 12 seasons and is now streaming on Amazon Prime Video. And that sets the stage for this week’s Friday Funny.

The title character is Temperance Brennan (“Bones”), a brilliant and glamorous forensic anthropologist who works with FBI Special Agent Seeley Booth. By season 8 she has bedded down with Booth and has had a baby. Framed by a psychotic serial killer she hid out from the law, taking the newborn with her, for three months while her friends back at the fictional Jeffersonian Institute worked to clear her name. Now in episode 4 of the season she is back sharing a house with Booth, and the two are having a conversation in the kitchen. She is drawing up a list of qualifications, because she is thinking about what it would take to run for President of the United States.

Booth reminds her one of the qualifications she needs to list would be the time she spent on the lam with law enforcement agencies scouring the country for her. Then comes this remarkable snippet of conversation. She says:

You think I would be a bad candidate? Because Donald Trump is thinking about running.

Yes, Bones, apparently a criminal past is now one of the measures that will get you elected President of the United States. And that is so funny.

Take the weekend off.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

I love the military way of doing things. I came across this short item on the Internet.

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered Seaman.  “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,  you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied.  “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/militaryjokes/navyjokes.html

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

CAPTAIN SMITHERS

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, “You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of …”

Here the Colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go fuck herself.”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/militaryjokes/navyjokes.html

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Bill worked in an office at a large insurance company. The work was dull and repetitive. At the desk next to Bill’s his friend Howard told him, “Bill, why don’t you take the afternoon off. Go home and have a little fling with your wife?

Bill told him, “No, I can’t do that. I’ll get caught. I could lose my job.”

“No way,” Howard told him. Mike left the office 30 minutes ago, and he won’t be back until tomorrow. Nobody here in the office will rat on you. You won’t get caught.”

So Bill thought about it and made the decision. He got his coat and left. He drove to his house, but as he drew near he spotted a car in the drive way. It was Mike’s car. Bill ducked his head down and quickly drove on by and then went back to the office.

As Bill came back in and hung up his coat, Howard was startled. “Bill, you’re back. What happened?”

Bill told him, “I almost got caught.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Bill was having a good time at Murphy’s pub, singing and drinking with his war buddies. By closing time he was beginning to think he had stayed too long. His plan was to get home safely and hope his wife was asleep.

He carefully walked home, being careful not to trip. He slipped inside the house and made it to the bedroom. All was dark and quiet.

As he silently crawled into bed he heard the ominous voice. “Bill, you’re drunk.”

Putting up a great show of indignance, Bill asked defiantly, “Oh yeah. What makes you say that.”

“Because you live next door.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

When bill arrived back at the farm after a trip into town, he found Martha waiting for him on the front porch.

“What’s up, Babes?” he asked.

“”We have a problem with the tractor,” she replied.”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with it?” he asked.

“It’s got water in the carburetor,” she responded.

“No, that can”t be,” Bill said.

“Well, it’s true,” she insisted.

Bill decided to see for himself. “All right. I’ll have a look at it. Where’s the tractor?”

“It’s in the pool.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

This I recall from Readers Digest, decades ago.

Yoeman Brown, was gathering the admiral’s papers after his retirement. Brown was sure he had everything from the admiral’s office, but then he checked a small drawer in the desk. He opened the drawer and found a sheet of paper. On the paper was a short sentence.

Port is on the left, starboard is on the right.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

I get complaints. Not really, but suppose I got complaints. Some of the jokes are actually funny. I can fix that. I asked Google to point me toward some stupid boss jokes. Even that didn’t go well. Here is one of the hits, without attribution.

Casey M
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
(insert: you saying “R”)
You’d think it’d be the “R” but it’s the “C.”

Jasmine E
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!”

Kat J
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.

See what I mean?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Friday Funny

Number 189 of a series

So I’m binging a re-run TV series on Hulu. It’s Shark, featuring James Woods as a nearly ethical Los Angeles County prosecutor. In one episode his team is investigating the possibility a lecherous doctor has murdered one of his patients. So the team’s investigator (Henry Simmons) enters with a stack of paperwork he has pulled on the good doctor. He announces:

This guy’s got more holding companies than Donald Trump.

More holding companies than Donald Trump? Now that is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A selection especially for math lovers

2. Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can’t even.

3. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.

6. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

7. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

8. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

9. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

10. Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

11. How come old math teachers never die?

They tend to just lose some of their functions.

12. My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

13. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

14. Did you hear the one about the statistician.

Probably.

15. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

16. A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

This page has a total of 56 of these, that is if numbers matter.