Friday Funny

Number 68 of a series

When politics and religion mix we get a double dose of funny. Fortunately it’s Friday again:

It’s not the first time Graham expressed his belief God had played a role in the results of the November election. He had tweeted earlier this month suggesting it was God, not Russia, that had interfered with the outcome.

In an interview Thursday, he said he doesn’t know if Russia hacked the election, and he doesn’t presume to know how God works. But he knows God answers prayer.

And, Graham said, “All I know is Donald Trump was supposed to lose the election,” according to projections of the results.

“For these states to go the way they did, in my opinion, I think it was the hand of God,” he said. “It wasn’t hacking. It wasn’t Wiki-leaky or whatever. It was God, in my opinion, and I believe his hand was at work, and I think he’s given Christians an opportunity.”

Yes, God certainly does work in mysterious ways. Maybe not as mysterious as the mind of Franklin Graham. And that is funny. So funny, is it, that I am still laughing.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to  you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in  one hand and two quarters in the other, then he calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never leans.”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son, may I ask you a question?” the man says. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licks his cone and replies, “Because the day I take the dollar is the day the game is over.”

Friday Funny

Number 67 of a series

Thank Jesus I don’t have to rely on stupid criminals for this week’s Friday Funny. Anytime I run out of stupid criminals I can always fall back on stupid stupids. Take Si Robertson, for example:

In an interview with CP Voice on Wednesday, Robertson, along with the film’s lead actor Kevin Downes, commented on how the Gospel is presented in the letters between the two men. “One is a skeptic. And there’s a lot of skeptics,” said Robertson. “I dont believe there’s a such thing as an atheist. Because there’s too much documentation. Our calenders are based on Jesus Christ.”

Right!

And if you don’t believe in Jove, then think again the next time you get it all figured out, and you exclaim, “By Jove!”

These guys really are funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A man loves ice fishing. He finds the best fishing is at night, but he’s not been having much luck at his favorite spot, so one night he takes a different route. Arriving, he sets up his gear and starts to drill a hole in the ice.

From out of the dark a voice booms, “There are no fish there.”

The man is startled, but he takes it as a sign and moves a bit away. He starts to drill another hole, and again the voice comes to him from  out of the dim. “There are no fish there.”

So the man moves a little further away and gets set up again. Again the voice comes to him, “I’m telling you there are no fish there.”

Exasperated, but in awe, the man calls out to the darkness. “Who are you? Are you God?”

The voice comes back, “No, I’m the rink manager.”

Friday Funny

Number 66 of a series

Friday again. How about another tale of stupid criminals. They are always a lot of fun. Here’s one from merry old England:

Armed robber Andrew Hennells was caught after he boasted on Facebook about his plans to raid a supermarket in a post which included a selfie, a picture of a knife, and the words: “Doing. Tesco. Over.”

Police caught him 15 minutes later with the knife and £410 in cash stolen from a Tesco in King’s Lynn, Norfolk.

He was jailed for four years last April.

Some criminals like to brag to their pals about their extra-legal exploits. A booth in  the local pub would be a bad idea. Worse yet would be on live TV or on  Facebook, both about the same. These are the funny ones.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A rich widow in Sydney, Australia, decided to remarry. Recalling how poor her previous choice had been, she determined to be more picky the next time around. She summoned her solicitor.

“James,” she told him, “I have decided to  remarry. But I want my next husband to be young and strong. And a virgin. Please assure all candidates they will be well recompensed, as I will make them my sole heir. Go forthwith, sir.”

The solicitor came back the following week and announced proudly he had some prime candidates. “They are young and strong, Miss, and all have had few dates. I am sure they will be satisfactory.”

The widow was nonplussed. “James,” she admonished, “They must be virgins. Is that clear? Now be off.”

This time the solicitor was gone for a month, and when he returned he announced proudly, “Miss, I have found exactly what you are looking for.”

“Is he a virgin?”

“Most assuredly, Miss.”

“Then show him in.”

The young man came in to meet his new bride, and she was quite impressed. During close cross examination he revealed he had lived all his life in Australia’s wild outback, and had never seen a woman until the solicitor brought him to Sydney. The wedding  was quickly dispatched with, and the widow prepared for her wedding night.

She led Jackson, her new husband, to the bedroom, and ordered him to prepare for the treat of her life. Then she repaired to her dressing room to prep for the consummation.

When she returned to the bedroom she immediately noticed things had changed. All the furniture had been moved up against the walls. She was a bit surprised and inquired as to the preparations.

Jackson explained, “Miss, I don’t know anything about women, but with kangaroos you need lots of room.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

I have this friend Bill, who’s a police officer, and he was telling me this strange tale.

He was doing  his nightly patrol in his police cruiser, and he was checking out cars parked beside a city park. There were two cars, and he put his flashlight in the window of one. Nothing. Then he moved over to the other and uncovered a man and a woman getting it on in the back seat.

“Hey, people,” he admonished them. “Take this somewhere else.”

The man spoke up. “It’s all right officer. This is my wife.”

“Sorry, fellow. I didn’t know,” Bill responded.

The man told him, “Neither did I  until you put the light in her face.”

Friday Funny

Number 64 of a series

Let me know if you find this funny. I know I did, and so did a bunch of others. This was last September on Outnumbered, which comes on Fox at noon. Eric Trump, son of the current president, was on, and he was explaining his father’s rise to greatness despite coming from a childhood of disadvantage. From the video on YouTube:

He’s built an amazing company. He’s become the epitome of the American dream. He’s gone from just about nothing to…

And that’s where I, and most others, stopped listening.

People, how come nobody allowed me to come from just about nothing? Oh, the curse of an opulent upbringing.

And that is funny.

Stupidity on Stilts

One of a continuing series

Hold on. Wait. All right. I’m finished laughing. No, I’m not. Just wait.

That’s long enough. I need to finish this. Take a look at the image above. It’s a screen shot from my inbox yesterday. It’s an email I received from a source named “Trump News.” I assume from the name and from past history this is a politically conservative outlet. In fact, read the top line. It says, “The Top Conservative Topics Today.” I’m convinced. Read on.

The caption under the photo says, “POLL: Should The Virginia Gunman Who Shot a Senator Get LIFE in Prison?” The caption is a hyperlink that leads to a page that repeats the photo and the message plus: “Posted on June 15, 2017 by  Do you think that gunman who shot a Senator, as well as others, in Virginia should get life in prison?” And there are buttons to click to cast your vote in the poll.

And I can’t stop laughing.

Thomas Robertson, you posted this. What were you thinking. Consider two critical points:

  • The person pictured is James T. Hodgkinson, who opened fire on a team of Republican lawmakers practicing for a baseball game. He was killed immediately by Capitol Police. He is not going to prison for life or for any length of time.
  • James T. Hodgkinson did not shoot any senators.

People, when you set out to make a political statement, it works best if you sprinkle a few facts about. But don’t overdo it. That would make us suspicious.