Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A woman rushes to her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty. My eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.”

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Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Supposed to be the funniest joke of all time

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He’s not breathing and his eyes are glazed, so his friend calls 911. “My friend is dead! What should I do?” The operator replies, “Calm down, sir. I can help. First make sure that he’s dead.” There’s a silence, then a loud bang. Back on the phone, the guy says, “OK, now what?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

So there is this introverted high school student who has never asked a girl to a dance. It’s his senior year and he feels that he should go to prom.

So he musters up the courage and asks one of his friends. She says yes. Now he has to prepare for the dance. The next day, he goes to buy his tickets, and there is a huge line. So he waits, and waits, and waits, then he finally gets the tickets.

The next day, he goes with his date to go get a dress. When they get to the store, there is a huge line going out the door. So the wait, they wait, and they wait. Finally, they get to the front and buy a dress.

After this, they go to Men’s Wearhouse to get him a suit for the dance, and there is a huge line going out the door. So they wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get in and buy a nice suit.

The next day, he remembers that he needs to order a corsage. So he goes to the local store and there is a huge line. So he waits, waits, and waits until he gets his order in.

Now it’s the day before prom and he wakes up and realizes that he forgot to order a limo, so he calls up the limo rental place. All the lines are busy so he decides to go into the place. When he gets there, he sees the line stretching out the door and around the corner. So he waits, and waits, and waits, until finally he was lucky enough to get the very last limo.

So now it’s the night of the dance and when they get to the prom, the school is doing mandatory drug testing, so there is a huge line getting into the prom. So the wait, wait, and wait. Finally they get to the front and they both pass their drug tests.

Now the dance was going pretty good for about a half an hour, until he really, really had to go to the bathroom. So he takes off to go, and he sees this huge line going out of the bathroom. He waits, waits, and waits until he finally takes care of his business.

When he comes out of the bathroom, he notices that a crowd has formed around his date. She had just randomly passed out. Someone says to him, “Hey, you’re her date, go get her some punch.” So he goes over to the punch table and thank God, there is no punch line.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A ninety-year-old man is sitting on a park bench, sobbing, when a young man walks by and asks him what’s wrong.

Through his tears the old man answers, “I’m in love with a twenty-five-year-old woman.”

“What’s wrong with that?” asks the young man.

Between the sobs and sniffles, he answers, “You can’t understand. Every morning before she goes to work, we make love… At lunchtime she comes home and we make love again, and then she makes my favorite meal. In  the afternoon when  she gets a break, she rushes home, and we have more sex, the best an old man could want. And then at supper time, and all night long, we make love.” He breaks down, no longer able to  speak.

The young man puts his arm around him.”I don’t understand. It sounds like you have a perfect relationship. Why are you crying?”

The old man answers, again through his tears, “I forgot where I live.”

Friday Funny

Number 96 of a series

It’s Friday, and here is something funny. It may be the fifth best excuse to cough up when you are pulled in for DUI:

Man Lets Jesus Take The Wheel And Truck Flips 5 Times

A Tennessee man flips his truck five times after letting go of the steering wheel because Jesus wanted to drive.

According to reports, Chad O. England flipped his truck five times on a Tennessee interstate earlier this week after he thought Jesus was calling him and advising him to let go of the wheel and let Jesus do the driving.

After the accident England told officers that he was behind the wheel, but that he wasn’t driving at the time of the crash. Because, you know, Jesus was driving.

Yeah, man. Stick to that story. We’re having a good laugh.

Bad Movie Wednesday

One of a continuing series

Oh my God! I saw this when it hit the screens in 1961. It’s Disney’s major foray into sitcom TV for the big screen. It’s pure corn syrup and out of this world cute. People with a family history of type 2 diabetes should not watch this movie. It’s The Parent Trap, starring Haley Mills and also Haley Mills. That’s two roles for Mills. I did not investigate whether Mills got paid two salaries, but that’s water under the bridge by now. As I write, this is streaming on Hulu, where I’m getting the screen shots. Details are from Wikipedia.

Don’t believe this is way too cute? Then check out this from the title sequence. Yes, way too cute.

So, let’s get to the plot. Here we see way too cute Sharon McKendrick (Mills) arriving at summer camp (Camp Inch), delivered by the family chauffeur. She’s proper Bostonian, all of 13, and residing at 18 Belgrave Square. Is she ever in for the shock of her life.

Wham! The action starts early. Sharon runs head on into Susan Evers (Mills), an exact look-alike. Naturally the two girls take an instant like to each other.

Of course not. These are 13-year-old girls, the perfect formula for a teenage cat fight. And the war begins. Rival cliques are formed and nuclear war quickly escalates. The Sharon clique draws first blood, dumping the Susan clique in the lake by tumping over their canoe. In retaliation, the Susan clique sabotages the Sharon clique’s tent, creating mass chaos. Finally, the Sharon clique, now barred from the inter-camp dance for a failed tent inspection, sabotages Susan’s dance dress, unbeknownst to Susan until she steps onto the dance floor with her butt showing.

That’s final straw. The cat fight turns physical, and the dance turns into a shambles, complete with all the standard dance party fight gags, including punch bowl sliding down the capsized table into the face of the boy’s camp counselor and also the cake falling onto the face of Miss Inch, the girl’s camp counselor.

At this moment pause to appreciate the exquisite camera work by the Disney crew. Many scenes show Mills doubling up in the same frame with the aid of some industrial magic:

The film originally called for only a few trick photography shots of Hayley Mills in scenes with herself; the bulk of the film was to be shot using a body double. The film used Disney’s proprietary sodium vapor process for compositing rather than the usual chroma key technique. When Walt Disney saw how seamless the processed shots were, he ordered the script reconfigured to include more of the special effect. Disney also wanted Mills to appear on camera as much as possible, knowing that she was having growth spurts during filming

Yes, that does it. The girls are sentenced to quarantine for the remainder of the summer, required to live together in a remote tent. At this point the plot crystallizes. The girls get to talking to each other, and details come out. Not only do they look alike, but they share a common birth date. Also, each lives with just one parent. Sharon lives with her mother in Boston, and Susan lives with her father in Carmel, California. Then Sharon shows Susan a photo of her mother. Not only does it turn out to be Susan’s mother, as well, but it’s Maureen O’Hara for Christ sake!

The girls figure they were separated when their parents split up 12 years previous, and they initiate a scheme to get their parents reunited. Hence the title of the movie. Each wants to meet her other parent, so they switch identities, which requires Susan clip Sharon’s golden locks. They share sufficient details to facilitate the ruse, and at the end of summer each returns to the other’s home. Susan is enraptured by her glamorous mother. On the other hand, her grandmother is a bit on the stuffy side.

Out in California, Sharon meets her hunk of a father at the airport. He turns out to be Brian Keith, with the squarest jaw west of the Pecos.

There’s a fly in the soup, however. Mitch Evers is making plans to marry gold-digging Vicky Robinson (Joanna Barnes). Mitch is loaded.

Sharon sees right through the plot, and in private encounters Vicky reveals her true nature. The girls figure they need to act quickly.

So, Susan unravels the situation to her Boston family, and Margaret “Maggie” McKendrick travels out to California with Susan. Mitch is surprise to find his ex-wife in his house wearing only a bathrobe.

So, yes, the girls gang up on Vicky and, employing tactics they learned in summer camp, they sabotage her. Only they call it “submarining,” by which they probably meant “torpedoing.” Vicky’s true character comes out for all to see, including Mitch, and Vicky departs stage left.

As the movie draws to a close Mitch turns around in the kitchen and realizes what he saw in Maggie from the get-go. The final scene is a too-sweet wedding ceremony.

Other matters:

The twins were raised separately. There are differences. Sharon has learned to play the piano, which her father notices. That’s about right. But Sharon is also an accomplished horse rider, as evidenced by a beach riding scene with her father. Did she learn to ride a horse somewhere back in Boston? If so, then what’s she doing getting off the wrong side of the horse?

The girls scheme to get their parents back together. They stage a bit of entertainment, emphasizing “let’s get together.” Sharon, wearing a neat dress, plays a two bars from Beethoven on the piano. Susan, in jeans and a tee-shirt responds with a few riffs from a guitar. The dissonance is manifest. Then the two harmonize on a smarmy tune with the refrain, “Let’s get together, yeh yeh yeh.” I had to remind myself this was three years before the Beatles hit the big time, and it was two years before Bob Dylan advised, ““Tell Your Ma. Tell Your Pa. Our Love’s A-gonna Grow Ooh-wah, Ooh-wah.”

Hey, Leo G. Carroll plays the Reverend Dr. Mosby, always around to officiate at the wedding, no matter which bride, and also adding a ton of class as he always did in his roles.

And by now you too recognize this as too sweet for words, and that’s all I’m going to say about it.

Haley Mills is, of course, daughter of Sir John Mills, famous for a number of stellar roles, including the village idiot in Ryan’s Daughter, where he won an Oscar.

Brian Keith had a long and successful career, starting in 1924 and ending with Rough Riders  in 1997, the year of his death.

O’Hara made a splash as the gypsy girl in The Hunchback of Notre Dame in 1939.  She also starred in Alfred Hitchcock’s Jamaica Inn that same year. She paired with Keith again in 1961 in The Deadly Companions. Her last dramatic film role came in 1991 with Only the Lonely. She died in 2015.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

An old and tired one

Robert was born in the house on Olive Street, and he lived there all his life. Then one day he moved to the house across the street, and this made news, because Robert was now 83 years old. The Evening Bugle sent their city reporter out to get an interview and a story.

“Robert, all of a sudden you decided to move. Tell us about it. What’s behind this sudden change?” the reporter asked.

Robert got a thoughtful look on his face, and he leaned back before answering the question.

“I guess it’s just the Gypsy in my soul,” he responded.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

So there were these two high school sweethearts, and they vowed to be true to each other forever. But after graduation the girl went to college on the West Coast, and the boy was devastated. He didn’t see his true love for months.

He constantly sent her letters and emails, but after a while her responses slackened off, and he began to suspect she had a new boyfriend. In fact, she had, and she was getting tired of making excuses, so she took a photo of her and her new boyfriend making love on the kitchen table in her apartment, and she sent it to her ex-boyfriend with a note, “I have a new boyfriend, so quit bugging me.”

The ex received the note, and he was angry, but he took it all in stride. He wrote on the back of the photo, “Mom and Dad, I’m having a wonderful time at college. Please send more money.”

And he mailed it to her parents.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Frank lived next door to the city’s crazy house.

One day Frank was minding his own business when he heard some chanting coming from next door.

“Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one…”

After listening to this for a few minutes, Frank’s curiosity got the better of him, and he strolled over to see if he could figure out what it was all about.

Nearing the house, he spotted a small hole in the wall.

The sound seemed to be coming from that hole. Frank bent down an peered through the the hole into the house.

Suddenly a finger came out of the hole and poked him in the eye. It was most painful.

Then the chanting resumed, “Twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty-two…”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

An 80-year-old woman was being treated for a heart condition. The doctor suggested she undergo testosterone therapy, so she started on a routine of daily supplements.

A few months later her doctor examined her and noted her heart condition had improved somewhat. However, the woman had some concerns.

“Doctor, ” she said, “I notice I’m now growing hair in places it’s never grown before.”

The doctor reassured her that was to be expected. “Where do you notice hair starting to grow?”

“On my balls,” the woman responded.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

I am not sure there really is a “Dear Uncle Andy” column in the Picayune Gazette, however:

Dear Uncle Andy:

I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving just 2 km from home, my car engine started to overheat. So I had to return to get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with the maid. I don’t know what to do. Please help.

Uncle Andy’s Reply:

Overheating of the engine after such a short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator. You need to check the oil and water levels in the engine before you start your journey. You must have your car serviced regularly to avoid such problems. I hope my answer will solve your problem.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.

The sales clerk warns the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language. The housewife doesn’t mind, and she takes the parrot home.

When she gets home and uncovers the cage the bird starts talking. “Brawkk! New Madam. Hello, Madam.”

When the three daughters come home from school they are delighted at seeing the parrot. The parrot squawks, “Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls.”

Finally the woman’s husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner. When he walks past the parrot, the parrot opens up again, “Brawkk! Hi, Phil.”