Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Here’s an old person joke, so get ready.

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant, and they order one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He gives one half to his wife and keeps the other half. He carefully counts out the fries and gives half to his wife. He takes a sip of his drink, and then she takes a sip.

As the man begins to eat his part of the fries his wife just sits and watches. An onlooker, figuring the couple are able to purchase only one meal comes over. He offers to buy them another burger, fries, and drink. The old man declines. “We are just accustomed to sharing everything,” he tells the man.

Still the old woman sits and watches as her husband eats the hamburger. Again the man offers to purchase them another meal. The woman responds, “It’s really all right. We are used to sharing everything.” Still she does not eat.

The old man finishes and wipes his mouth with a napkin, and still the old woman has not eaten. The other man is now insistent. “You aren’t eating. What are you waiting for.”

She turns to him and says, “The teeth.”

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Friday Funny

Number 85 of a series

It’s Friday again, and something must be funny. How about a criminal who figures it’s cool to come to court flashing police lights in traffic:

Holland-Harris, 31, of Norwood, pleaded guilty to five counts of trafficking in a controlled drug and faced a maximum $50,000 fine, 10-year jail term or both.

She was arrested at Enfield on May 26, 2016 inside a blue Kia sedan that used flashing police-style lights to move through traffic. The car was being driven by Benjamin Michael Stacey, who was also charged over the incident.

Police seized the sword, a loaded air rifle and stolen tools from the vehicle, while Holland-Harris had both drugs and $4760 cash on her person.

In sentencing, Judge Stretton said Holland-Harris had a total of 12.35g of MDMA in various forms, including powder and tablets, and 5.34g of methamphetamine.

He said a subsequent search of her house yielded a further 48.5g of MDMA and 9.28g of methamphetamine.

Yes, that does show a certain level of humor.

This is your President speaking.

Number 2 in a long series

We have this from the President of the United States:

Why would Suzie insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call her “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be her friend – and maybe someday that will happen!

Wait! There’s been a mix-up. While composing this post I accidentally picked up a tweet posted by Melissa Justin, a sophomore at Providence High School in the San Fernando Valley. My apologies. Here is the actual tweet from the President of the United States:

Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend – and maybe someday that will happen!

You will agree that is much more Presidential. We can now be more comfortable with our choices from last November.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A lawyer meets with his client after the police lab completes an analysis of his blood. He tells his client, “The police completed the tests, and there is good news, and there is bad news.”

“All right, tell me the bad news first,” the man says.

“The bad news is your blood matches the stains found on the victim.”

“So, what’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to 140.”

Friday Funny

Number 84 of a series

And I thought, “This is really funny.” Then I thought maybe it’s not so funny. Actually, it is funny. Here it is:

Woman Arrested For Training Squirrels To Attack Her Ex-boyfriend

45-year old Janice Smith was captured toward the beginning of today by officers of the Detroit Police Department, for supposedly catching various squirrels and preparing them to assault her previous sweetheart.

The casualty, 51-year old James Robinson, was probably assaulted by the rodents on more than twelve events in the course of the most recent month.

These assaults caused him numerous genuine wounds, including the loss of two fingers and one gonad, gnawed off by his assailants.

The poor man had no clue why squirrels continued assaulting him until the point when he saw his ex, a previous carnival creature coach, cheering the creatures amid one of the assaults.

What I’m thinking is I ‘m not even going to check with Snopes to see whether this is genuine. It is just too funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

How bad is it? I’m glad you asked.

The economy is so bad that:

I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.

Donald Trump is playing  miniature golf.

Exxon-Mobil was forced to lay off 25 congressmen.

Angelina Jolie adopted a child from Scarsdale, New York.

Motel Six doesn’t leave the light on anymore.

A picture is now worth 200 words.

They have renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street.”

I was so depressed, I phoned the suicide hot line. My call went to a center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got excited. They asked if I knew how to drive a truck.

 

Friday Funny

Number 83 of a series

OK, people. It’s Friday again. Time for something funny to round off the work week. How about the President of the United States?

“Don’t take vacations. What’s the point? If you’re not enjoying your work, you’re in the wrong job.” — Think Like A Billionaire

Right! That is not what is funny. What is funny is that millions of American voters believe it.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A man purchases a robot that has a special ability. It slaps people when they tell a lie. He decides to test it at dinner that very night.

He asks his son, “What did you do this afternoon?”

The son says, “I spent all afternoon doing my homework.” The robot slaps him. The son changes his story. “All right. I went over to Bobby’s house. We watched movies.”

The man asks, “What movie did you watch?”

The son replies, “We watched Toy Story.”

The robot slaps him again, and the son changes his story. “All right. We watched Debbie Does Dallas.”

The father is indignant. “What is all this? When I was our age I didn’t even  know what this stuff was.”

The robot slaps the father.

The mother then chimes in. “Well, he certainly is your son.”

The robot slaps the mother.

Friday Funny

Number 82 of a series

It has been described that tragedy is when I slip on a banana peel and bust my ass. Comedy is when you fall down a sewer and die. Funny is when tragedy happens to other people. For example:

An Imgur user shared this story about their Mom, who wanted to be supportive about his budding relationship with a new girlfriend. She even went so far as to providing him with a condom in order to promote safe sex, which she did by attaching it to a family bulletin board along with a note.

That’d be an awkward note for anyone to get from their parent, but in the end it’s a parenting win, right? Take a closer look at the condom.

Yes, she stuck it to his bedroom door with a push pin. Now that is funny, maybe to the grandmother-to-be.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ‘Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”

The nun agreed. A moment two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”

The nun replied, “He went that way.”

After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I didn’t want to go to Iraq.”

The nun said, “I understand completely.”

The soldier added, “I don’t want to seem rude, but you have a great pair of legs.”

The nun replied, “If you had looked a bit higher you would have noticed I have a great pair of balls, as well. I don’t want to go to Iraq, either.”