Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. Instantly a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your boss.

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money,” he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account, and 44 million dollars appeared in  his boss’s account

For his second wish the man asked for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini and a Ferrari appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside his boss’s house.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish. You should choose carefully.” To this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

Here’s a new twist:

A Dallas evangelist told his followers that an “anointed cake” baked by “hookers” turned a gay man straight.

The evangelist, Lance Wallnau, bills himself as a Christian consultant whose website says he helped get President Donald Trump elected with his book God’s Chaos Candidate.

Who would have thought? People who know me consider me to be a really straight guy. But, you know, cake.

And that is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

“Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

Friday at last, and it’s time to shut down the work week with yet another comical criminal. This time it’s Charles Reardon of Great Falls, Montana. Crimefeed.com has the story:

How do we say this diplomatically? Best not to even try. Levi Charles Reardon was dumb enough to “like” his own wanted photo Facebook. When he was featured as a wanted fugitive on the Great Falls / Cascade County Crimestoppers Facebook page, he was compelled to click that thumbs up button.

In April the non-profit posted Reardon’s photo along with a brief description, they even offered a $2,500 reward to the person who had information leading to his arrest. Much to Crime Stopper’s surprise – Reardon responded to the post under his own name. Needless to say, it didn’t take police long to track him down.

I hope it’s not necessary for me to remind you how funny this is.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just to have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

Sometimes God works in mysterious ways, all with the goal to amuse us. This week’s amusement comes from Christian activist Mary Colbert. And it is most amusing:

Christian Activist: God Will Curse The Children And Grandchildren Of Trump’s Opponents [VIDEO]

 “It’s not that Donald Trump is all that perfect of a guy. We all know he’s not. And we know that he’s not necessarily perfect in every way that we would like. That’s not how God works. He works through the ones he chooses. We don’t choose them. All we have to do is recognize them and when you recognize a chosen one and you have the discernment to know that they’ve been chosen and know that that’s the will of God, then your life will be blessed.

“And if you come against the chosen one of God, you are bringing upon you and your children and your children’s children curses like you have never seen. It puts a holy fear in me.” – Christian activist Mary Colbert, speaking on Jim Bakker’s show. Colbert was hailed as a “Christian leader” in a 2016 press release from the Trump campaign.

The straight skinny is, and get this, Donald Trump is the Chosen One. And if shy from the Chosen One, then a figment of imagination birthed in the fevered brain of a delusional nut case will reach down from on high and smite you mightily. This, as I for certainly the thousandth time, mock the Chosen One, never to experience a bolt from the blue, yea, never a flicker.

And I  find that amusing.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed away, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.

“Listen here, Suzie,” said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic. One of my friends did it after her husband died, and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.

“Is he here?” Suzie asked.

“Yes, I sense him,” was the reply.

“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie constantly asked.”

“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke,” said the psychic.

“Oh, of course,” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more than a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one for him?” questioned Suzie urgently.

“Hmm,” said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

The above photo was posed for me by a professional actor, who signed a release to allow me to use the image. But it illustrates this week’s case of the funny criminal:

Burglar leaves cellphone at scene, authorities say

August 1, 2014|By Tonya Alanez, Sun Sentinel

Forgetfulness landed a burglar behind bars, police say.

After Wayne Wade, 46, broke into a Hollywood home, he left his cellphone on the victim’s bed, they say.

When Wade called to retrieve it, a police officer on scene heard it ringing and answered. Wade told the cop his name and said he needed his phone back, according to a police report a judge read from in court.

Fingerprint evidence from the phone has tied Wade to five other burglaries, Broward County Judge John “Jay” Hurley said.

Funny for us. Not so much so for Wayne. Check back next Friday for more.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried to Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken  Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to  tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Friday Funny

One of a series

Wow! Have I been  doing this for an entire year? This is Friday Funny number 52,  and it’s another stupid crook funny:

A Drug Dealer Tells a Customer He’s “Too Smart” to Get Caught . . . and the Customer Is an Undercover Cop

There’s nothing as perfect as an idiot criminal who THINKS he’s a genius criminal . . . and that’s EXACTLY what we’ve got here. 45-year-old Adalberto Ramiro-diaz of Port St. Lucie, Florida has been running a pretty massive drug dealing operation out of his house. At one point recently, a customer was over at his house looking at his massive stash of drugs and guns, and asked him how he’d never been caught.  And Adalberto told him he was TOO SMART to get caught. But the customer he told that to was . . . an undercover cop. The cops arrested him last week on a ton of drug and weapons charges.  They also found a fake FBI badge in his house during their search.

When they’re not dangerous, stupid crooks can be funny. Try not to be funny like Adalberto. He was too funny.