Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is dated, but a few years ago it was pertinent.

If you had purchased $1000 of Quantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 of AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 worth of Lehman brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But… If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling…

You would have received $214.00!

Based on the above, the best investment plan is to…

Drink heavily and recycle!

And, did you know…

A recent study found the average Australian walks 900 miles  year.

Another study found that Australians drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!

That means that on average, Australians get 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes you proud to be an Australian, doesn’t it?

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Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Supposedly these are actual notes doctors have made on patients’ charts.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is fearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children and no other abnormalities.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Getting old is terrible. Each day brings another reality. I came back from my walk in the park, and when I took the elevator up to my apartment I noticed the door was open. I went in, and there stood Margaret. Two suitcases were on the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m leaving you.”

“Any explanation?”

“You are deadly dull, and I regret I wasted so much of my life with you. I’ve found somebody else. Goodbye. I won’t be coming back.”

And she left with her suitcases, closing the door behind her. I stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. It wasn’t time for dinner, so I picked up the newspaper and sat down to read. The door opened and Benson walked in.

“Chambers,” he said. “You’ve done it again.”

“Done what?”

“Look at this.” The door was still open, and he showed it to me. “See, number? 105.”

“So?”

“You’re number 104. You’ve come to the wrong apartment again.”

“You’re right. So I have.” I got up to leave.”

“Oh, Chambers, that’s my paper,” he said.”

“Oh, yes. Sorry.” I handed him the paper and started out the door.

I was about to leave when I thought of something. “Oh, Benson.”

“What is it?”

“You’re wife’s left you.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

So, this was a long time ago, and I met this women, and I went over to her apartment with the idea of taking her out to dinner. When I got there she was not quite ready to go, so I sat on the couch in the living room of her apartment.

She had this little dog there, and he wanted to play. I threw his ball across the room, and he would fetch it and bring it back to me. I did that a couple of times, and the ball bounced out the window. The little dog went right after it, five stories up.

I was sitting there, wondering how to break it to the woman, when she came out and said, “Let’s go.” She didn’t notice the dog was missing.

So, as we were getting in my car to go, I thought a bit, and I turned to her. I said, “I couldn’t help but notice that your little dog seemed very depressed.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Sam was the owner of a world-wide chain of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter became engaged to a very religious young man, Sam called the prospective groom into his office for a chat.

“Tell me,” Sam asked the fiancée, “what are your plans for the future?”

“I plan on spending the remainder of my life studying the holy works,” the man replied.

“And, given this, how do you expect to support my daughter?” Sam continued.

“I am sure the Lord will provide,” was the answer.

“And what about your children? How do you expect to support them?” Sam persisted.

“The Lord will provide,” was the answer.

After the interview Sam met with his wife. “What do you think of your future son-in-law?” she asked.

“He’s just great,” responded Sam. I only met him, and already he thinks I’m the Lord.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

There was this guy at a bar. Just sitting there, staring at his drink. He’s been sitting there a half hour.

Then a big trucker, a trouble maker, comes over. He sits down next to the man, picks up the man’s drink, and downs it with one gulp.

The man starts crying. The trouble maker say, “Come on, twerp. I was just joking. I’ll buy you another drink. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

The man tells his story. “It’s the worst day of my life. I oversleep and get into work late. The boss fires me.When I get out to where I parked my car, it’s been stolen. The police tell me there’s nothing they can do right now, so I take a cab home. When I get out I realize I left my wallet in the cab as it drives away. When I go inside I discover my wife in bed with the gardener.”

“That’s bad says the trucker.”

“So I decide to end my life, and I come here to this bar. That doesn’t work out either. You come up and drink my poison.”

 

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

The original Hollywood Squares debuted in 1966 and featured a panel of stars in a larger-than-life tic-tac-toe game. Rose Marie was one of the longest comedians on the show and appeared in the first and last network episodes.

Rose Marie, like most of the panelists, adopted her own unique schtick when answering questions. She played a love-lorn personality similar to her husband-hunting character Sally Rogers from The Dick Van Dyke Show.

While some of the panelists received behind-the-scenes help, Rose Marie wasn’t given the show’s questions in advance so her punchlines were made up on the spot. Here are some laugh-worthy zingers that Rose Marie delivered.

Question: According to Dear Abby, is there a law that can force a man to marry a woman?

Rose Marie: Yes, and I think it’s called a mother-in-law.

Question: Which is the most valuable gem now on the market?
Rose Marie: Men.

Question: Does your face look more wrinkled when you get up in the morning or go to bed at night?
Rose Marie: I imagine it’d be more wrinkled at night. It’s been out longer.

Question: According to beauty experts, put some egg white on your face, leave it on for two minutes, and then rinse with cool water. If you’ve been successful, what’s gone?
Rose Marie: The egg white.

Question: Can a mink coat be considered a necessity in real life?

Rose Marie: Yeah, I think it is to another mink.

Question: According to Billy Graham, there is only thing that can satisfy your deepest longings?
Rose Marie: Do you want names?

Question: Can intense pleasure bring on a heart attack?
Rose Marie: How would I know?

Question: What is “John Brown’s Body?”
Rose Marie: I found it to be very warm and wonderful.

Question: According to a nationwide poll, whom do more Americans say they trust more – garbage collectors or doctors?

Rose Marie: How can you put those two together? I guess because they both remove things.

Question: The great sphinx of Egypt has a human’s head and who’s body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle’s.

Question: True or False. It is now possible to hire a wife for 500 dollars a month.
Rose Marie: I’ll take 450 and bus fare.

Question: What is the scientific term for the study of man?
Rose Marie: Cruising the boulevard.

Question: According to the National Safety Council, if your clothes catch on fire, will running help?

Rose Marie: No, but it’s great for the legs.

Question: Ann Landers advises that when someone phones you and says “I called you last night, and you weren’t home. Where were you,” you should reply by saying what?
Rose Marie: Peter [Marshall], if you called I was home.

Question: According to Vogue, what flower has traditionally represented innocence and purity?
Rose Marie: Well, it’s not the rose.
Peter Marshall: Not the Rose we know anyway.

Question: A famous television personality has written a novel titled Everything a Man Could Want. Who wrote it?
Rose Marie: I did. It’s my autobiography. And it’s not selling, Peter.

Question: How far does a horse run in a Kentucky Derby?
Rose Marie: As long as he can go.

Question: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Question: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Question: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Question: The Bible states that “your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see…” what?
Rose Marie: See me after the show.

Question: Dear Abby says that there is only one reason people lie. What reason is that?
Rose Marie: They want to get re-elected.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Цифровая репродукция находится в интернет-музее Gallerix.ru

The maid asked her boss, the wife for a raise, and the wife was upset. The wife asked, “Now, Helen, why do you think you deserve a pay increase?”

Helen: “There are three reasons. The first is that I iron better than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The second reason is that I am a better cook than you.”

Wife: “Who said that?”

Helen: “Your husband.”

Wife: “Oh.”

Helen: “The third reason is that I am better in bed than you.”

Wife: “Did my husband say that as well?”

Helen: “No, the gardener did.”

Wife: “So, how much do you want?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Sam died, and in his will he left $50,000 for his funeral. His friend bill came to the funeral, and he remarked to Sam’s widow how nice the flowers were. She told him about Sam’s will.

Bill looked around, and he appreciated what a nice funeral it was, but he could not see $50,000 worth. He asked the widow about it.

She explained the flowers were $5000, the casket was $7500, and the catering bill for the wake came to $8500. “What went for the remaining $40,000?” Bill asked.

She replied, “I spent the rest on memorial stone.”

“Bill was impressed. “That must be some stone. Just how big is it?”

“About 7.5 carats.”