In a prior century a weary traveler plodded through the night along a lonely English country road. Presently he came upon an inn, nestled amongst a stand of chestnut trees. The sign above the door read “St. George and the Dragon.” The traveler knew it was late, and the inn was surely closed, but he knocked at the door nonetheless.
Shortly a window above sprang open and the frizzled head of a surly matron thrust forth. Her voice enriched the night air. “What do you mean knocking me up at this ungodly hour, you scummy pig? Get thee to the farthest reached of Hell.” And the window shutters slammed shut.
The weary traveler was abject and crestfallen. Perplexed, he determined to persevere. Once again he knocked upon the inn’s door, and he stood back to observe the window above. Again it opened with a banging of shutters against the cold stones.
“So, you persist, Mr. shit head. What do you want?”
The traveler looked up at the awful face and he pleaded. “Please, madam, could I speak to St. George?”
For decades two heroic statues, one male, the other female, stood in the park, facing each other. One day there was a clap of thunder out of a clear sky, and an angel appeared. The angel announced, “You two have been such exemplary statues all these years, I’m going to grant you special powers. For 30 minutes you will come to life, and you will be able to do what you have wanted to do all this time.”
And it happened. The statues suddenly found themselves to be living people with all the pent up desires of real people. They eyed each other for a moment, and both exhibited devilish grins on their faces. They dashed off into the nearby woods together. For 15 minutes there came such sounds of raucous laughter, anybody nearby would have shocked.
When the two emerged the angel was still there. The angel reminded them, “There is still 15 minutes left. Do what you always wanted to do.”
The female statue looked at the other and said, “All right, this time you hold the pigeon down and I will shit on his head.”
While shopping for vacation wear a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been ten years and at least twenty pounds since the woman had considered buying a bathing suit, so she asked her husband’s advice.
“Do you think I should get a bikini or an all-in-one?”
“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “There’s no way you’re going to get it all in one.”
A man was in a terrific automobile accident, and he wakes up in a hospital bed. The doctor comes in to see him and exclaims, “Ah, I see you are awake. What can I do for you?”
The man replies, “Tell me, am I badly injured?”
The doctor calms the man down. You have a number of injuries from which you will soon recover. Unfortunately your penis was completely severed and destroyed in the fire from your accident. However, I do have some good news. We have developed new technology, and we can now generate a replacement penis. The bad news is the replacement costs $1000 per inch. The good news is you have been awarded $9000 damages by a court. So, you can spend the money as you see fit. Maybe you should discuss this with your wife. I see you have been married for over 30 years, and this may be something of great importance to the two of you.
So the doctor leaves, and later in the day he checks back with his patient. “Have you discussed the matter with your wife?” he asks.
Wife Makes A Big Sacrifice For Her Husband.
What Keeps Her Motivated Is Hilarious!
John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.
The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was
so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the
best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed
After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire
family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they
assumed it was his own.
One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to
cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your
She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need
comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”
While fishing off the coast of Key West in Florida a tourist capsized his boat. Although he was a good swimmer, he clung to his capsized boat rather than risk encountering an alligator closer to shore.
Presently a beachcomber came along and shouted out to him, asking if he needed any help. The tourist explained his situation. The beachcomber shouted out to him, “There aren’t any alligators in these waters.”
So the tourist let go of his boat and started swimming to shore. He paused half way and shouted to the beachcomber, “Are you sure there are no alligators, because I felt something brush my leg.”
The beachcomber shouted back, “There haven’t been any alligators her for years. The sharks got them all.”