Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A storekeeper on the main street in a small town came in one day and was dismayed to see another store had opened next door. They had a huge sign that said BEST DEALS.

The following day somebody else opened a store on the other side of his, and they had a big sign that read LOWEST PRICES.

Thinking quickly, he called a sign company and had them install a larger sign that said MAIN ENTRANCE.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Wife Makes A Big Sacrifice For Her Husband.
What Keeps Her Motivated Is Hilarious!

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.
The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was
so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the
best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed
Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire
family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they
assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to
cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your
sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need
comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

While fishing off the coast of Key West in Florida a tourist capsized his boat. Although he was a good swimmer, he clung to his capsized boat rather than risk encountering an alligator closer to shore.

Presently a beachcomber came along and shouted out to him, asking if he needed any help. The tourist explained his situation. The beachcomber shouted out to him, “There aren’t any alligators in these waters.”

So the tourist let go of his boat and started swimming to shore. He paused half way and shouted to the beachcomber, “Are you sure there are no alligators, because I felt something brush my leg.”

The beachcomber shouted back, “There haven’t been any alligators her for years. The sharks got them all.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So, the woman goes to the psychiatrist. He asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s not me, Doctor,” she says. “It’s my husband.”

“What’s wrong with him,” the doctor asks.

“He’s become delusional,” the woman tells him.

“For example?” the doctor asks.

“Well, he thinks he’s a refrigerator.”

“That seems harmless enough. Can you live with that?”

“It’s no problem in the daytime, but at night when he’s sleeping his mouth drops open, and the light keeps me awake.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

The workaholic husband was trying to appease his wife, who was infuriated about how little time he spent at home.

“Nothing’s too good for you, Louise,” he begged. “How about a new Cuisinart?”

She shook her head.

“A mink? Floor length this time?”

Her pout deepened.

“A two-week Caribbean cruise?”

She shook her head more vehemently.

“A ski chalet? Or maybe a place on the beach?”

Still no.

“So, what do you want, Louise?” asked the frustrated husband.

“A divorce.”

“Gee, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” he admitted.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class: “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “Every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat, and off he goes, all day long.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses, quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck, and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down. It’s a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.

Thee he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and he whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along very well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.

“Well, I heard you you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.”

“Okay,” the man replies. “I’ll get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

“Who the heck are you?” the husband asks.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”

The husband exclaims, “But you’re naked.”

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

“Those little bastards!”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Agnes married and had 13 children.

When her husband died, she married again and had 7 children. Again her husband died.

So Agnes remarried and this time she had 5 more children.

Alas, Agnes finally died. Standing before her coffin  the preacher prayed for her. He thanked the Lord for this very loving woman and said, “Lord, they’re finally together.”

One mourner leaned over and quietly asked her friend, “Do you think he means her first, second, or third husband?”

The friend replied, “I think he means her legs.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is dated, but a few years ago it was pertinent.

If you had purchased $1000 of Quantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 of AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 worth of Lehman brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But… If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling…

You would have received $214.00!

Based on the above, the best investment plan is to…

Drink heavily and recycle!

And, did you know…

A recent study found the average Australian walks 900 miles  year.

Another study found that Australians drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!

That means that on average, Australians get 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes you proud to be an Australian, doesn’t it?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Supposedly these are actual notes doctors have made on patients’ charts.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is fearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children and no other abnormalities.