Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Friday Funny

Number 189 of a series

So I’m binging a re-run TV series on Hulu. It’s Shark, featuring James Woods as a nearly ethical Los Angeles County prosecutor. In one episode his team is investigating the possibility a lecherous doctor has murdered one of his patients. So the team’s investigator (Henry Simmons) enters with a stack of paperwork he has pulled on the good doctor. He announces:

This guy’s got more holding companies than Donald Trump.

More holding companies than Donald Trump? Now that is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A selection especially for math lovers

2. Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can’t even.

3. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.

6. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

7. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

8. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

9. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

10. Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

11. How come old math teachers never die?

They tend to just lose some of their functions.

12. My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

13. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

14. Did you hear the one about the statistician.

Probably.

15. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

16. A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

This page has a total of 56 of these, that is if numbers matter.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Ben and Mildred got married right out of college, and after 20 years in the business world Ben was vice president of a large commercial bank. The couple lived in a spacious home in an exclusive neighborhood.

However, when Ben came home from work one day Mildred was waiting for him. “I want a divorce, Ben,” she told him.

Ben asked why. She told him, “Last night when Sally and I were out shopping, when you said you would be working late, I saw you going into a bar with a woman. I won’t stay with a husband who is unfaithful to me.”

“Mildred,” Ben told her. “You don’t understand. She is my mistress. All successful men have mistresses. It’s a status symbol that goes with what we have accomplished.”

“I don’t believe you, ” Mildred told him.”

“I will show you,” Ben said. Come with me right now, and I will show you.”

So they went out, and they went to a swanky club. Ben and Mildred sat at a table and waited. Presently, Jim, the bank president came in. He had a much younger woman with him, and they sat at a table and talked intimately. Then Ben and Mildred left.

On the ride back Mildred was silent. “So, what do you think?” Ben asked.

“Our mistress is prettier than Jim’s.” she said.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Discovered on my Facebook feed from a friend

I was having breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter when I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

Without skipping a beat she replied, “It’s Presidents Day.”

She’s so smart, so I asked her, “What does President’s Day mean?” I was expecting her to mention Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln or some famous president.

She responded, “President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow it means we’re going to have six more weeks of bull shit.”

I’m setting aside a fund for her college education.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Not a joke this time, rather a collection from a pamphlet titled Atheists Say the Darndest Things.

  1. A belief is not true because it is useful: Amiel Journal
  2. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows faith does not prove anything: Friedrich Nietzsche
  3. Ignorance is the mother of true piety: Henry Cole, Dean of St. Paul’s 1559
  4. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us it’s schizophrenic: Lily Tomlin
  5. To all things clergic, I am allergic: Alexander Woolcott
  6. “God” is a three-letter word meaning “I don’t know:” anonymous
  7. Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by the dozens: Montaigne
  8. Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the Unknowable: Ambrose Bierce

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Get Up and Bar the Door

It fell about the Martinmas time,
And a gay time it was then,
When our goodwife got puddings to make,
And she ’s boild them in the pan.

The wind sae cauld blew south and north,
And blew into the floor;
Quoth our goodman to our goodwife,
“Gae out and bar the door.”

“My hand is in my hussyfskap,
Goodman, as ye may see;
An it shoud nae be barrd this hundred year,
It ’s no be barrd for me.”

They made a paction tween them twa,
They made it firm and sure,
That the first word whaeer shoud speak,
Shoud rise and bar the door.

Then by there came two gentlemen,
At twelve o clock at night,
And they could neither see house nor hall,
Nor coal nor candle-light.

“Now whether is this a rich man’s house,
Or whether is it a poor?”
But neer a word wad ane o them speak,
For barring of the door.

And first they ate the white puddings,
And then they ate the black;
Tho muckle thought the goodwife to hersel,
Yet neer a word she spake.

Then said the one unto the other,
“Here, man, tak ye my knife;
Do ye tak aff the auld man’s beard,
And I ’ll kiss the goodwife.”

“But there ’s nae water in the house,
And what shall we do than?”
What ails thee at the pudding-broo,
That boils into the pan?”

O up then started our goodman,
An angry man was he:
“Will ye kiss my wife before my een,
And scad me wi pudding-bree?”

Then up and started our goodwife,
Gied three skips on the floor:
“Goodman, you’ve spoken the foremost word,
Get up and bar the door.”

This is your president speaking.

Number 226 in a series

And now a few words from the President of the United States.

From an unofficial transcript:

I would like you to do us a favor though because our country has been through a lot and Ukraine knows a lot about it. I would like you to find out what happened with this whole situation with Ukraine, they say Crowdstrike… I guess you have one of your wealthy people… The server, they say Ukraine has it. There are a lot of things that went on, the whole situation. I think you’re surrounding yourself with some of the same people.

People, this is a paragraph what will somewhere get engraved in stone as a monument to the Trump presidency. Fortunately, that will not be the end of it, because there is more:

Behind the scenes: Trump made these comments during a conference call with House members on Friday, according to 3 sources on the call.

  • Per the sources, Trump rattled off the same things he has been saying publicly — that his call with Zelensky was “perfect”and he did nothing wrong.
  • But he then threw Perry into the mix and said something to the effect of: “Not a lot of people know this but, I didn’t even want to make the call. The only reason I made the call was because Rick asked me to. Something about an LNG [liquefied natural gas] plant,” one source said, recalling the president’s comments. 2 other sources confirmed the first source’s recollection.

People, “It’s called flipping, and it almost ought to be illegal.” But there is more of interest:

Donald J. Trump@realDonaldTrumpMitt Romney never knew how to win. He is a pompous “ass” who has been fighting me from the beginning, except when he begged me for my endorsement for his Senate run (I gave it to him), and when he begged me to be Secretary of State (I didn’t give it to him). He is so bad for R’s!

9:17 AM · Oct 5, 2019Twitter for iPhone

Yes, it really almost ought to be illegal, but it is not, and it is fun to watch.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Straight from Facebook to you:

So I was in the pet store, and I told the owner I wanted an unusual pet. So he tells me how about this giant centipede? And I say so it’s a big centipede, but what of it? And he says this centipede can talk, so I think what have I got to lose, so I take home the centipede.

And now I’m thinking what was I thinking. A centipede that can talk? So I try to get the centipede to say something, and I tell him I’m going out for a beer.

Nothing. The centipede doesn’t say anything, so I go about my business around the house, but soon I’m starting to think maybe I would like to go out for a beer, and I get ready to leave. I tell the centipede I’m going out for a beer, and the centipede says, “I heard you the first time. I just need to get my shoes on.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Blond jokes are not only about women.

A blond man is in the shower. His wife shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?” “Yes, I did,” he shouts back. “But this shampoo is not for me. The label says it’s for dry hair, but I just got mine wet.”

A blond man spots an envelope on his door mat. Stamped on it in large letters is, “Do Not Bend.” He spends the rest of the day figuring out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone to the 911 operator. “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are two minutes apart.” The operator tries to calm him down. She says, “Take it easy, sir. Is this her first child?” “No,” the man shouts back. “This is her husband.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

So a guy is in a bar, and he’s talking to the bartender. He says, “Who’s that guy down at the end? He’s drinking alone.”

The bartender says, “That’s Melvin. He’s kind of stupid, but you can have a lot of fun with him.”

So the guy goes over and introduces himself, and they get to talking. The guy says, “Hey, Melvin, I have a riddle for you.”

So Melvin says, “All right. What is it?”

The guy says, “Sisters and brothers I have none. But this man’s father is my father’s son. So who is it?”

Melvin thinks for a while and finally says, “I give up. Who is it?”

The man says, “It’s my son!”

And Melvin chuckles and says, “That’s very clever. I’m going to tell this one to my wife.”

So Melvin goes home and he tells his wife, “I heard this this riddle, and I’m going to tell it to you.”

His wife groans and says, “Don’t bother.”

But Melvin does anyway. He says, “It goes like this. Sisters and brothers I have none, but this man’s father is my father’s son. So, who is it?”

Melvin’s wife thinks for a while then says, “I give up. Who is it?”

Melvin says, “You wouldn’t know him. but I met his father in the bar tonight.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Actually this bit of humor is from the movie.

Eva Peron is suggested to have slept her way to power as First Lady of Argentina, the wife of Juan Peron. Her past dogged her throughout, even as she represented her country on foreign trips.

She visited Spain, where dictator for life Generalissimo Francisco Franco ruled with an iron hand. After a grand review of the troops Sra. Peron had a question for the Generalissimo. “As the troops marched by,” she inquired, “they turned their faces toward me and chanted, ‘Whore! Whore!’ Is this proper?”

“Do not take them too seriously, Señora Peron,” he told her. “What do they know? For example they still call me ‘Generalissimo,’ and I haven’t worn my uniform in years.”