Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried to Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken  Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to  tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Friday Funny

One of a series

Wow! Have I been  doing this for an entire year? This is Friday Funny number 52,  and it’s another stupid crook funny:

A Drug Dealer Tells a Customer He’s “Too Smart” to Get Caught . . . and the Customer Is an Undercover Cop

There’s nothing as perfect as an idiot criminal who THINKS he’s a genius criminal . . . and that’s EXACTLY what we’ve got here. 45-year-old Adalberto Ramiro-diaz of Port St. Lucie, Florida has been running a pretty massive drug dealing operation out of his house. At one point recently, a customer was over at his house looking at his massive stash of drugs and guns, and asked him how he’d never been caught.  And Adalberto told him he was TOO SMART to get caught. But the customer he told that to was . . . an undercover cop. The cops arrested him last week on a ton of drug and weapons charges.  They also found a fake FBI badge in his house during their search.

When they’re not dangerous, stupid crooks can be funny. Try not to be funny like Adalberto. He was too funny.

Friday Funny

One of a series

Friday again, and I didn’t have to search far for something funny. This just came roaring onto my computer screen:

Lawyer’s Pants Catch Fire During Florida Arson Trial

It seemed like a set up to a tired joke: A lawyer’s pants caught on fire in court.

But on Wednesday, it was Stephen Gutierrez’s reality when the Florida defense attorney’s pants began smoking during an arson trial, Eleventh Circuit Court Public Relations Director Eunice Sigler confirmed to NBC News Thursday.

Gutierrez, 28, was in the in the Miami-Dade county courtroom defending 49-year-old Claudy Charles, who was accused of setting his car alight.

But During his closing argument, Gutierrez began to feel heat coming from his pocket where he had several electric cigarette batteries, he told NBC News in an email.

As Gutierrez argued Charles’ car had merely spontaneously combusted, the lawyer’s pants seemed to do the same.

Witnesses in the courtroom told the Miami Herald the moment was “surreal,” as Gutierrez rushed out of the courtroom while smoke billowed from his pocket.

Gutierrez said as the heat intensified, he hurried into the bathroom where he tossed the battery in water. He was able to return to the courtroom with a singed pocket.

Yeah, I’ll believe that when I see it. And it is funny.

Friday Funny

One of a series

Friday again. Must be something funny. How about comical crooks. Let me check. Ah! Here’s one:

Armed robber Andrew Hennells was caught after he boasted on Facebook about his plans to raid a supermarket in a post which included a selfie, a picture of a knife, and the words: “Doing. Tesco. Over.”

Police caught him 15 minutes later with the knife and £410 in cash stolen from a Tesco in King’s Lynn, Norfolk.

He was jailed for four years last April.

No fair laughing. This guy needs help.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Twelve actual pregnancy questions people asked.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35.
A: No, 35 are enough

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Because you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from  childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

 

 

Friday Funny

One of a series

Friday again, and there must be something funny. Of course there is. Start with  an item from Pink News:

A prominent pro-Trump pastor and radio host has claimed that he had to make sure his daughters didn’t become lesbians after playing softball.

High school football coach and internet pastor Dave Daubenmire, who has a surreal online following, made the comments on his ‘Pass the Salt’ webcast.

 In the clip, snipped by Right Wing Watch, he claims that he was forced to keep watch on his daughters after they took up an interest in softball.

He said: “Our two daughters played college softball… every time I’d go to the ball games, I kept an eye on my daughters to see if they’d taken the homo bait yet… and they hadn’t.

“They didn’t have to because they weren’t cropped-haired wide-bottomed girls. They were pretty girls, godly women, they didn’t take the bait.

Watch the video. Dave assures us that homos constantly need to recruit, because they can’t reproduce. Watch the whole thing. It is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A very sad day today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.

 

Friday Funny

One of a series

Religion-ThankGodForDisasterBettyBowers

It’s Friday again, and I’m running out of funny. Just kidding. There’s always enough funny to go around, especially on Friday. Religious nut case Pat Robertson is a reliable source, even if others were to run dry:

I think, somehow, the Lord’s plan is being put in place for America and these people are not only revolting against Trump, they’re revolting against what God’s plan is for America. These other people have been trying to destroy America. These left-wingers and so-called progressives are trying to destroy the country that we love and take away the freedoms they love. They want collectivism. They want socialism. What we’re looking at is free markets and freedom from this terrible, overarching bureaucracy. They want to fight as much as they can but I think the good news is the Bible says, “He that sits in the heavens will laugh them to scorn,” and I think that Trump’s someone on his side that is a lot more powerful than the media.

In case you miss the point, an imaginary holy man is coming to the defense of an imaginary president and accusing his detractors of running athwart an imaginary entity. What could be funnier than that?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, “Tomorrow morning I expect to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to  200 in six seconds flat. And it had better be there!!!”

The next morning Bob’s wife woke up and looked out her bedroom window. There in the driveway was a box, gift wrapped.

She ran outside, picked up the box, and unwrapped it. Inside was a new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. Bob’s wife denies everything.

Friday Funny

One of a series

crime-nudepizzaburglar

Unfortunately, the screen shot, taken from CBS News, tells it all:

BALTIMORE  — Baltimore County police are looking for a man who they say entered a Towson restaurant through a roof vent, stripped naked and then robbed the place, CBS Baltimore reported.

It happened around 6 a.m. on November 10 at Slice of Towson.

The suspect was seen on surveillance tape entering the pizza joint, taking off his clothes, damaging a vent hood and some registers, then taking cash from the registers and running out.

It’s not every day that crime is comical, but when it is, you’re going to see it here. On Friday.