Bad Joke of the Week

Number 410 of a Series

I met up with Jake, my Aggie friend. “Jake,” I said. “You look all tuckered out.”

“Yeah,” he replied. “I spent all day chopping fire word, and I only cut one cord.”

“Jake, you idiot,” I told him. “You don’t need to be chopping firewood. They have these new-fangled chain saws. Get yourself one of them, and your day is going to be a lot less stressful.”

So I told him where to go and he drove over to Home Depot, and he returned home with a brand new chain saw.

But the next day he was back at the store, and he brought the new chain saw. He told the salesman, “I want my money back. When you sold me this here chain saw you told me I would be able to cut four cords of wood an hour with it. Well, that’s a bunch of B.S. I’m gettin’ only two cords an hour. This thing is worthless.”

The salesman was perplexed. “Let me see that, Aggie.”

So Jake handed it over, and the salesman got it up on the table to check it out. He couldn’t find anything wrong with it so he pulled the starter handle. The chain saw started up and went, RRRRRRRR!!!”

Jake jumped back. “What’s makin’ that noise?”

Friday Funny

Number 227 of a series

Some explanation is needed. Under different circumstances, at a different time, in a different place, this would have all the hilarity of a brown shoe. However, this is President Donald J. Trump speaking, and his ever proclamation is the punchline to a party joke. Never has a nation been so blessed, never so entertained.

Enjoy your weekend, and may Jesus have mercy on our souls.

Bad Joke of the Week

Number 409 of a Series

Parody on Father Guido Sarducci

Vita est Lavorum. That means “life is a job.” That’s-a what-a we found out — life is hard, you think it’s difficult sometimes? That’s-a because it’s a JOB! We’re all-a getting paid $14.50 a day. It don’t sound like much. I mean, $14.50 a day, but, you know, over a period of, like, 60-70-80 years… it’s-a nothing to sneeze your nose at.

And-a, what happens to you when-a you die… you know, it’s like-a the soul leaves the body, it’s like a little bubbling 7-Up. You know? It just-a- goes-a shooting up, and-a you see yourself going down this-a long tunnel — but you’re not afraid. And then, when you get to the end, you see your whole life go by you. You know? From when you was a little-a baby… ’til the day you die. And then… they pay you. God and his-a helpers. You know, they bring-a in all of this money, and then… God goes over all-a of-a your sins. And you get FINED. You know, it’s like, uh… like, maybe like stealing a car’s like $400. Murder is… maybe, you know, the worst — it’s like $50,000. And masturbation… eh, maybe, you know, like twenty-five, thirty-five cents. You know. That’s-a cheap sin. You know, but-a for a lot of people, you know, it can amount up. It-a just-a shows, you know — there is-a NO free lunch.

So I’m-a thinking. I get to heaven, and San Pietro, he examines the ledger, and he finds my entry. Yes, I’m-a in the book. And wouldn’t it be my luck. I’m-a 35 cents short.

I’m-a telling you, that’s life.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Author Miller is in New York for the opening of one of his plays. And he goes by to visit his old neighborhood. So he’s walking along the street, seeing familiar sights. And he runs into a school chum from school. It’s Bertie, now selling hot dogs from a cart.

He walks up and says, “Bertie! How’re you doing.”

Bertie looks at him, puzzled, and Miller goes on, “Bertie, it’s me, Artie Miller. You remember me.”

Bertie’s eyes light up. “Artie! Wow! It’s been a long time. So, what brings you around? What are you up to?”

Miller explains, “Bertie, I’m a playwright. I have a new play, ‘Death of a Salesman.’ Opening on Broadway this week.”

Bertie is impressed. He looks at his old friend in amazement. “Playwright, eh? Yeah, I should have gone into that.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

This was way back when, back before the days of email. Professor Higgins was 72, and he had just married a 22-year-old ex-student of his. He was preparing to go on his honeymoon.

Professor Johnson pulled him aside. “Let me know how it goes.”

“What do you men how it goes?”

“You know, Freddy, the wedding night. Send me a telegram.”

Higgins was reluctant. “I can’t put that kind of thing in a telegram. Everybody reads those.”

Johnson had an idea. “Tell you what. If you get an erection, just wire back that you passed physics. If you achieve copulation, then say you passed mechanical engineering. And if, I mean if, if you get her pregnant, then wire back you passed biology.”

Professor Higgins agreed that would work, and he left with his new bride.”

Johnson waited, and days went by, and he had forgotten all about Higgins. Then a telegram arrived.

“Flunked everything except French.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A Priest Was Being Honored At His Retirement Dinner. One Of The Speakers Shocked Everyone.

A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.

However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: Thank Goodness we Catholics have a wonderful sense of humor! “l got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’s wife; had sex with his boss’s daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister
in-law.

I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,’ said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”

Friday Funny

Number 223 of a series

This series has been running images of comedians world-wide mocking President Donald Trump. I’m taking a break from that for this special image. President Trump’s niece has penned a scandalous book, disclosing devastating information about the character of president number 45. One juicy item, which nobody has seen fit to dispute, is young Donald Trump paid a friend to take the SAT (Scholastic Aptitude Test) for him.

Anyhow, the photo.

Reporter: Any reactions to the book, Mr. President.

President and Press Secretary: Turn their backs and walk out of the room.

Now that is funny, provided you have a certain perverse sense of humor.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Some odds and ends

I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

Caution. If you heard 20 minutes of moaning from my bedroom, that was just me trying to stand up.

Fun to watch Republicans tell us Michael Cohen has no credibility when he was deputy finance chair for their National Committee.

Roger Stone claims he is being treated worse than Osama bin Laden. Bin Laden could not be reached for comment.

Russia, if you are listening, can we get a copy of the Mueller Report?

Cделать Америку великой снова.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Some grammatical bar jokes

  • A bar was walked into by the passive voice.
  • An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.
  • Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”
  • A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.
  • Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.
  • A question mark walks into a bar?
  • A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.
  • Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out we don’t serve your type.”
  • A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.
  • A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.
  • Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.
  • A synonym strolls into a tavern.
  • At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.
  • A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.
  • Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.
  • A figure of speech literally walks into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.
  • An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.
  • The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.
  • A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.
  • The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.
  • A dyslexic walks into a bra.
  • A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.
  • An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.
  • A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.
  • A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.
  • A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

It’s that time, people.

“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your sweetie says, “Let’s go upstairs and make love,” and you answer, “Honey, I can’t do both!”
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Your friends compliment you on your new alligator shoes and you’re barefoot.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You don’t care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don’t have to go along.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting a little action” means I don’t need to take any fiber today.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. “Getting lucky” means you find your car in the parking lot.
“OLD” IS WHEN….. An “all nighter” means not getting up to go to the bathroom.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

R bit of religious humor

An American Jew recognized his son was maturing and decided he needed some world experience. So he sent the son to Israel. to his surprise, when his son returned home he was a Christian.

The man told his friend what happened, and the man said, “That’s odd. The same thing happened with my son. I sent him to Israel, and he came back a Christian.”

They decided to discuss the matter with their rabbi, and the rabbi said, “That’s odd. The same thing happened with my son.”

So the three decided to journey to Israel to check out what was going on. They arrived and went to the Wailing Wall to pray. As they prayed, God spoke to them. “What is your concern, my good  men?”

So they told God what had happened with their sons, and God said, “That’s odd…”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A man died and went to heaven. As he stood in front of St. Peter at the Pearly Gates he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked, “What are those clocks?”

St. Peter answered, “Those are Lie-Clocks, Everyone on Earth has a Lie-Clock. Every time you lie the hands on your clock will move.”

“Oh,” said the man, “Whose clock is that?”

“That’s Mother Teresa’s. The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie.”

“Incredible,” said the man.

“That’s Abraham Lincoln’s clock The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abe told only two lies in his entire life.”

“Where is Trump’s clock?”

“That clock is in Jesus’ office. He’s using it as a ceiling fan.”