Congress, what a load of laughs. Can’t they ever get their priorities straight?
From a page or Rodney Dangerfield one-liners
“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon…”
“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”
“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”
“I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.”
“I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.”
“I have three kids, one of each.”
“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”
“Boy what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel!”“I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, ‘On your mark… ‘”
“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”
“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody’s fingers.”
“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”
“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”
“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.”
“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it.”
Come on, people. Give the guy a break. I apologize, but this is too funny.
From a page of Johnny Carson one-liners
Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.
You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?
Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.
Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.
There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.
Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.
That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman.
Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?
Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.
The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.”
“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'”
The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam
It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.
It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself.”
Doesn’t get much cooler than this. The man is a hero, and we need to enjoy some fun this Friday.
A man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor.
After examining him the doctor took his wife aside and said, “Your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king., which means you are at his beck and call 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.”
On the way home the husband asked his wife, with a note of concern, “What did he say?”
She turned to him and gently told him, “He said it looks like you’re probably not going to make it.”
It’s funny, and I need to post this one before people forget what it’s all about.
A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives she suggests seductively that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
“Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.
“Actually, no,” he replies.
“Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him,” she says, running her hands up through his beard and into his hair.
“I’m afraid I can’t,” the barman replies, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”
“Yes, I need you to give him a message,” she continues in a husky voice, popping two of her slender fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
“What should I tell him?”
“Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the lady’s room.”
Some things are too funny for words.
Jake had a long and successful career pitching in the major leagues. But those days were long past, and as he lay dying his friend Ernest, who had played second base, came to visit.
“Ernie,” Jake said, “After i die I’m going to come back and visit you.”
“No way,” Ernie replied.”
“No. I will. I promise,” Jake told him.
Shortly after, Jake died, and Ernie mourned his passing. Then one night he was awakened in the middle of his sleep. He opened his eyes, and he saw the apparition of his friend Jake standing before him.
“Jake, is it really you?” Ernie asked.
“Yes, Ernie. It’s me. Your old friend Jake.”
“What’s it like.”
“It’s wonderful, Ernie. I’m in Heaven.”
“Heaven! Jake, that’s wonderful. Tell me about Heaven.”
“Well, there’s the good news, and there’s the bad news. First, you won’t believe it, but I play baseball every day. And all the big guys are here. Just yesterday I pitched against Babe Ruth, and I struck him out.”
“Wow! That’s fantastic. What’s the bad news.”
“You are pinch hitting this Saturday.”
I was reading that an Italian woman won the Olympic gold medal in the 400-meter free-style swimming competition. Not only did she win, but she beat the rest of the field by five seconds. The reporter asked her how she trained. “Do you have a personal trainer?”
“Oh, no. I get all the training I need in my job.”
“In your job? Really? What do you do?”
“I’m a street walker in Venice.”
There will be a limited supply of these. Enjoy all you can before January 2021.
The Washington Biological Survey tracked birds by attaching bands to their legs. The bands had a note: “Wash. Biol. Surv.” and the institute’s address.
One day the Washington Biological Survey headquarters received a letter. “Sirs, I shot one of your birds. I followed the directions. I washed it, I boiled it, and I served it. And it was terrible.”
You know I’m never going to run out of these. You know it. Right?
Coach Blair had a winning team, but there was one problem. He called Lester Clem in for a talk.
“Lester,” he told him, “You’re a great running back, and we need you on the team, but the athletic department requires you keep your grades up. You need to bear down this semester, because I need to see a good grade report if I’m going to keep you on the team.”
Lester agreed to give it his best, but four weeks later Coach Blair called him in again.
“Lester,” he said, “I just received your grade report, and you’ve got four Fs and a D. You know that that means, don’t you?”
Lester shook his head as though he understood. “I see the problem, coach. I’m spending too much time on one subject.”
Some things are too funny for words. God has given us this daily entertainment, because he loves us. We should cherish every moment.
Saturday turned rainy, so Tony decided to cancel his plans to go fishing, spending the day doing some stuff around the house. By ten at night he decided to call it a day and turned in. About an hour later the phone rang.
Tony rolled over, picked up the receiver and listened for a few seconds. Then he spoke into the phone. “How would I know? Why don’t you call the Coast Guard?” Then he slammed down the receiver.
“Who was that?” his wife asked.
“He didn’t say,” Tony responded.
“What did he want,” his wife asked.
“He wanted to know if the coast was clear.”
This is shocking news. How much lower can people go?
Pence Warns Liberty University Graduates: Prepare To Be Shunned And Ridiculed For Being Christians [VIDEO]
May 12, 2019
Pence, who has been facing criticisms of his own religious views recently, warned graduates that they have to stay strong against the challenges they’ll get from Hollywood, the media and the secular left. “Some of the loudest voices for tolerance today have little tolerance for traditional Christian beliefs,” Pence said. “Be ready.”
“Throughout most of American history, it’s been pretty easy to call yourself Christian,” Pence said. “It didn’t even occur to people that you might be shunned or ridiculed for defending the teachings of the Bible. But things are different now.”
Wait! Additional breaking news has just landed on my desk. Without digging deeper into it, I’m going to put it out for you now. There is no time to waste. Here it is.
College President Deke Jorgensen Cautions Graduating Class
Dr. Deke Jorgensen, president of Fordlee Clown School, spoke to the graduating class today, and he gave them an urgent warning. “Be prepared to be laughed at,” he cautioned students.
See what I mean? It’s a heartless world out there.
Not really a joke this week, rather a collection of humorous proverbs
NINE IMPORTANT FACTS
Number 9 – Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
Number 8 – Life is sexually transmitted.
Number 7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.
Number 6 – Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see a man with a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
Number 5 – Give a person a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, even years.
Number 4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day lying in a hospital dying of nothing.
Number 3 – Everybody can take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
Number 2 – In the 60s people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it look normal.
Number 1 – Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today could wind up burning you in the ass tomorrow.
No, not Trump. He’s not the one who’s funny. It’s the guys in red hats. They are no end of amusement.