Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This was some time ago, back when cars had hubcaps. I was driving along in my car when it became apparent a tire had gone flat. Sure enough the left rear was almost to the rim, and there was no recourse to but to change it out.

I opened the trunk and pulled out the jack. About this time I noticed I had an audience. Next to the street there was a fence, and a sign on the fence told this was an insane asylum. Several people inside the fence were watching. I gave a wave and kept on working.

I jacked up the left rear and removed the wheel, placing the lug nuts in the hubcap. I was in the process of pulling the spare out of the trunk when a car came along the street. It clipped the hubcap, and all the lug nuts went flying off to who knows where.

This was a devastating situation and I was standing there trying to figure out which tow company I should call. There was this guy on the other side of the fence, and he piped up. “Why don’t you just take one nut off each of the other three wheels and use it to install the spare? That will get you to somewhere you can buy another set of lug nuts.”

I thought that was a great idea, and I told the guy that. “Makes me wonder why you are in there, and I am out here.”

He replied, “Fellow, we’re in here because we’re crazy, not stupid.”

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Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

The couple had been married 75 years, and a more loving pair you never saw, spending their retirement years on the beach in Jamaica. An American newspaper sent a reporter down to interview them and get their story.

The reporter asked the man how the two managed to get along well for so many years, and the man explained.

“It was on our honeymoon, and we were visiting the Grand Canyon. We were riding horses down the trail into the canyon. Then my new bride’s horse stumbled and almost pitched her off into the canyon. She got back up on the horse and said into his ear, ‘That’s once.'”

The man continued, “A few minutes later her horse stumbled again, again  almost pitching her into  the canyon. She got back on and said into  the horse’s ear, ‘That’s twice.'”

“Finally, same thing. The horse stumbled, and she picked herself up, pulled a pistol from  her purse, and shot the horse dead. ‘That’s three times!'” She shouted.

“I was, of course indignant. ‘Why did you shoot that poor, dumb animal?’ I yelled at her.'”

She looked at me and said, ‘That’s once.'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Here’s another parrot joke.

A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to  three identical birds and says, “The parrot on the left goes for $500.”

“Why so much?” the customer asks.

The owner says, “He knows how to use a computer, and he can diagnose system bugs.”

“So, how about the next one?” the customer asks.

The owner says, “He can do everything the first one can do, and in addition he knows how to configure UNIX. He costs $1000.”

“So, how much is the third one?” the customer asks.

“That one costs $2000.”

“Wow!” the customer exclaims. “What can that one do?”

The owner replies, “I don’t know for sure, but the other two call him Boss.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Here’s an old person joke, so get ready.

An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant, and they order one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one drink.

The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He gives one half to his wife and keeps the other half. He carefully counts out the fries and gives half to his wife. He takes a sip of his drink, and then she takes a sip.

As the man begins to eat his part of the fries his wife just sits and watches. An onlooker, figuring the couple are able to purchase only one meal comes over. He offers to buy them another burger, fries, and drink. The old man declines. “We are just accustomed to sharing everything,” he tells the man.

Still the old woman sits and watches as her husband eats the hamburger. Again the man offers to purchase them another meal. The woman responds, “It’s really all right. We are used to sharing everything.” Still she does not eat.

The old man finishes and wipes his mouth with a napkin, and still the old woman has not eaten. The other man is now insistent. “You aren’t eating. What are you waiting for.”

She turns to him and says, “The teeth.”

Friday Funny

Number 85 of a series

It’s Friday again, and something must be funny. How about a criminal who figures it’s cool to come to court flashing police lights in traffic:

Holland-Harris, 31, of Norwood, pleaded guilty to five counts of trafficking in a controlled drug and faced a maximum $50,000 fine, 10-year jail term or both.

She was arrested at Enfield on May 26, 2016 inside a blue Kia sedan that used flashing police-style lights to move through traffic. The car was being driven by Benjamin Michael Stacey, who was also charged over the incident.

Police seized the sword, a loaded air rifle and stolen tools from the vehicle, while Holland-Harris had both drugs and $4760 cash on her person.

In sentencing, Judge Stretton said Holland-Harris had a total of 12.35g of MDMA in various forms, including powder and tablets, and 5.34g of methamphetamine.

He said a subsequent search of her house yielded a further 48.5g of MDMA and 9.28g of methamphetamine.

Yes, that does show a certain level of humor.

This is your President speaking.

Number 2 in a long series

We have this from the President of the United States:

Why would Suzie insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call her “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be her friend – and maybe someday that will happen!

Wait! There’s been a mix-up. While composing this post I accidentally picked up a tweet posted by Melissa Justin, a sophomore at Providence High School in the San Fernando Valley. My apologies. Here is the actual tweet from the President of the United States:

Why would Kim Jong-un insult me by calling me “old,” when I would NEVER call him “short and fat?” Oh well, I try so hard to be his friend – and maybe someday that will happen!

You will agree that is much more Presidential. We can now be more comfortable with our choices from last November.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A lawyer meets with his client after the police lab completes an analysis of his blood. He tells his client, “The police completed the tests, and there is good news, and there is bad news.”

“All right, tell me the bad news first,” the man says.

“The bad news is your blood matches the stains found on the victim.”

“So, what’s the good news?”

“Your cholesterol is down to 140.”