Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

I have this friend Bill, who’s a police officer, and he was telling me this strange tale.

He was doing  his nightly patrol in his police cruiser, and he was checking out cars parked beside a city park. There were two cars, and he put his flashlight in the window of one. Nothing. Then he moved over to the other and uncovered a man and a woman getting it on in the back seat.

“Hey, people,” he admonished them. “Take this somewhere else.”

The man spoke up. “It’s all right officer. This is my wife.”

“Sorry, fellow. I didn’t know,” Bill responded.

The man told him, “Neither did I  until you put the light in her face.”

Friday Funny

Number 64 of a series

Let me know if you find this funny. I know I did, and so did a bunch of others. This was last September on Outnumbered, which comes on Fox at noon. Eric Trump, son of the current president, was on, and he was explaining his father’s rise to greatness despite coming from a childhood of disadvantage. From the video on YouTube:

He’s built an amazing company. He’s become the epitome of the American dream. He’s gone from just about nothing to…

And that’s where I, and most others, stopped listening.

People, how come nobody allowed me to come from just about nothing? Oh, the curse of an opulent upbringing.

And that is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. So, to make the decision he decided to run a test. He gave each woman $5000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flat screen TV. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third woman took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned %5000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, “I invested the rest of the money for our future, because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, then then he decided to  marry the one with the big tits.

 

Friday Funny

Number 63 of a series

I woke up this morning, and it was after 5 o’clock, so I’m getting a late start. Along about 8 I  realized I did not have a Friday Funny post, so I started feeling panicked.

Ha! What a crock. I have a ready source of Friday Funny’s, and that source would be our collection of Christian historical revisionists. Let’s start with Aledo, Texas‘, own Joe Barton:

David [Barton]:

That’s right.

God Is In Control Of The Weather

Another one I’ll throw out is weather. It’s interesting in the Bible, weather patterns are often predicated on whether the people doing the right thing or the wrong thing. And if people sin against God, then you get floods, and you get storms, you get lightning, you get all your crops get destroyed, you get all sorts of things-

Yes, you heard it right. Pseudo historian Joe Barton is telling us this planet’s weather is not solely driven by natural forces. There is an invisible person, somewhere, who is devilishly concerned with every aspect of human life and who puts a finger  on the scale from time to time to tip the consequences and to remind everybody he (she) is in control. This in lieu of posting a notice in The Wall Street Journal, which would be much less expensive.

For those disinclined to follow the link, here is some background. The foregoing is from the transcript of a WallBuilders podcast that aired 13 June 2017. The podcast is titled Trump’s Religious Liberty Executive Order Is Better Than You Might Think, and guests include Mat Staver, David Barton, Rick Green, and Tim Barton. David Barton “is the founder of WallBuilders, LLC, a Texas-based organization that promotes unorthodox views about the religious basis of the United States.”

And if all of this were not the least bit scary it would be very funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Danny sets Andy up to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is concerned about going out with somebody he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy. “I’ll be stuck with her all  night.”

“Don’t worry,” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just say, “I’m Andy’s friend Jim. He sent me by to tell you his mother died, and he had to go out of town.”

So Andy figures that’s a good plan, and he goes to pick up Shirley for the date. He knocks on the door, and there she stands, a real knockout.

She tells him, I’m Shirley’s friend Betty. She asked me to tell you when you her mother died, and she had to go out of town.”

Friday Funny

Number 62 of a series

I am told God works in mysterious ways, his wonders to perform. Sometimes I  think God has a sense of humor:

Louisiana floods destroy home of Christian leader who says God sends natural disasters to punish gay people

He has also claimed that paedophilia is a ‘homosexual problem’

A flood has destroyed the home of a Christian lobbyist who preached that God sends natural disasters to punish gays.

President of the controversial Christian group Family Research Council, Tony Perkins, described a deluge of “near biblical proportions” hitting his Louisiana home.

During a broadcast on the group’s radio station, he told how he and his family had fled in a canoe.

Our thoughts and prayers are with Mr. Perkins, and also a little advice. Quit hanging out with those queer friends.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Blondes finally got tired of all those dumb blonde jokes, so they compiled a collection of dumb brunette jokes. Here are some:

What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage.

Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.

What’s black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch? A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it.

What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure. Nobody else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.

Friday Funny

Number 61 of a series

Ha. I repeat. Ha! This is funny:

Snake Bites Florida Man Who Tries To Kiss It

BOSTWICK, Fla. (AP) – Authorities say a Florida man leaned in to kiss a rattlesnake – but got bitten instead.

News outlets report the unidentified man was bitten on the tongue Tuesday in the Bostwick area and had to be airlifted to a hospital, where he was listed in critical condition.

“Tragic,” you say. I say, “Ha.” Then, “Ha ha ha.” This really is funny.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The preacher at church is giving a sermon  about marriage and how sacred it is. He asks for a volunteer who has been married happily for 50 years. An older man stands and says he approaching his 50th anniversary.

The preacher asks him how he has managed to stay happy for so long. The man replies, “I do everything I can to keep her happy. But most importantly, I took her to Rome for our 25th anniversary.”

The preacher replies, “That’s great! What do you plan to do for her for your 50th anniversary?”

The man says, “I’m probably going to bring her back.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

Hey! Friday again. What’s funny this week? Shouldn’t be hard to find something.

Found it:

Florida man shows church his genitals, says ‘Lord told me to do it’

Perhaps the good Lord advised him to sing, and he misunderstood. Wouldn’t have been as funny.