Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A man was walking down the sidewalk. From out of nowhere a voice spoke to him. “Stop. Don’t take another step. A brick is about to fall on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped, and a brick crashed to the sidewalk in  front of him. He was amazed. He looked up. He looked around. He couldn’t find the source of the voice. He kept walking.

The voice came again. “Stop. Don’t cross the street. A car is about to run a red light, and it will kill you.”

The man stopped at the curb, and a speeding car charged through the intersection. The man was astounded. He looked around, but he saw nothing.

He spoke, “Where are you? Who are you?”

The voice spoke to him, “You can’t see me. I’m your guardian angel. I make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

The man was amazed. “Really? A guardian angel? Where were you when I got married?”

Friday Funny

One of a series

Last week’s Friday funny (see the link above) reminded me of this. I apologize. I do not have the original news item. It’s from 30 years back, but I can still relate the essentials from memory. It goes like this:

Conroe, Texas (why does this stuff always happen in Texas?). A 72-year old man was arrested for solicitation of prostitution. He had to phone his mother to come and bail him out.

And that is funny. Embarrassing, as well.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes all three he goes back to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender reminds him, “You know that when I draw a pint it starts to go flat. It would be better if you ordered one pint at a time.”

The Irishman explains, “It’s this way. I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia. I’m here in Dublin. When we parted ways years ago we promised we would drink this way to remember when we all drank together.”

The bartender admits it’s a nice custom and leaves it at that.

The Irishman becomes a regular customer, coming to the pub at least once a week. But then one day he comes in and only orders two pints. He looks very sad, and everybody knows something terrible has happened.

“I see there’s only two of you now,” the bartender tells the Irishman. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Oh, no,” the Irishman explains. “My brothers are still all right. It’s just me. I’ve quit drinking.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

House of Secrets, from 1936

Friday again, and I don’t know whether to laugh or to cry. From Texas, of course:

In a story resembling elements of the classic 1979 ‘Piña Colada Song’, the man – who we cannot identify
for privacy reasons – had been using the booking website for some months to hire prostitutes and meet
them for sex at motels in neighboring areas.

On the most recent occasion, which occurred last weekend, the man told his wife he was going on a 􀃗shing
trip with friends, when in reality he was traveling to a motel on the outskirts of town. Upon checking into the motel on Saturday afternoon the man used his phone to access his regular website used to book prostitutes. According to a statement he made to authorities, he saw the pro􀃗le of a new 28-year old woman who caught his attention.

As with many of the photos on the site, the photo only showed the woman from her neck down, but the man is
said to have liked what he saw and he sent her a message to see if she was free later that night, and what her price would be for 2 hours.

She replied back within minutes to confirm she was available, and could meet up with him at the motel that
night. The pair agreed on a price of $150, bargained down from her original request of $200.

Guests at the hotel in adjoining rooms called the front desk to report a disturbance at around 8 pm after
the woman arrived at the property and found that her client was none other than her husband of the last
17 years.

Yeah, that didn’t go well. Also, it reminds me of an old joke, which I will post as Bad Joke of the Week, coming soon. Keep laughing.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Some witticisms from Steve:

I had sex with a married woman in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

A lot of conflict could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Someone broke into my house and stole all the lamps. I was delighted.

Q: What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
A: You had me at “hello world”.

I love the idea of living a healthy life. But only the idea of it.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A sunny day in Ireland, and two men are sitting in  a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, “You see that man over there? He looks just like me. I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, sir,” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me.”

The second man turns around and says, “Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Dublin,”

The second man, stunned, says, “Me too! What street do you live on?”

“McCarthy street,” the second man replies.

“Me to! What number is it?”

The first man announces, “182.”

The second man, shocked, says, “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”

The first man replies, “Conner and Shannon.”

The second man, awestruck, says, “Mine too! this is unbelievable!”

So, they buy some more Guinness, and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes to the other and asks, “What’s new today?”

“Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

There is an old joke that goes, “Tragedy is when I slip on a banana peel and bust my butt. Comedy is when fall down a sewer and die.” This is that kind of story:

‘Psychic’ accidentally stabs himself in the heart with a sword and dies in front of horrified spectators while demonstrating his immortality

A man claiming to be a psychic died when he accidentally stabbed himself in the heart with a sword in a bungled act to prove his immortality.

Theprit Palee, 25, had been performing the traditional dance in front of spectators in Chiang Mai, northern Thailand, yesterday afternoon.

The folk ritual is said to honour the spirits of ancestors and in previous shows he would impress onlookers by appearing superhuman when the blade broke as it was pressed against his chest.

But the well-known clairvoyant’s act went horrifically wrong when he plunged the blade through his rib cage after it failed to snap.

There is immortality, and then there is immortality. Theprit Palee will live forever in our hearts and minds.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. Instantly a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your boss.

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money,” he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account, and 44 million dollars appeared in  his boss’s account

For his second wish the man asked for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini and a Ferrari appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside his boss’s house.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish. You should choose carefully.” To this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Friday Funny

One of a series

Here’s a new twist:

A Dallas evangelist told his followers that an “anointed cake” baked by “hookers” turned a gay man straight.

The evangelist, Lance Wallnau, bills himself as a Christian consultant whose website says he helped get President Donald Trump elected with his book God’s Chaos Candidate.

Who would have thought? People who know me consider me to be a really straight guy. But, you know, cake.

And that is funny.