Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

In a prior century a weary traveler plodded through the night along a lonely English country road. Presently he came upon an inn, nestled amongst a stand of chestnut trees. The sign above the door read “St. George and the Dragon.” The traveler knew it was late, and the inn was surely closed, but he knocked at the door nonetheless.

Shortly a window above sprang open and the frizzled head of a surly matron thrust forth. Her voice enriched the night air. “What do you mean knocking me up at this ungodly hour, you scummy pig? Get thee to the farthest reached of Hell.” And the window shutters slammed shut.

The weary traveler was abject and crestfallen. Perplexed, he determined to persevere. Once again he knocked upon the inn’s door, and he stood back to observe the window above. Again it opened with a banging of shutters against the cold stones.

“So, you persist, Mr. shit head. What do you want?”

The traveler looked up at the awful face and he pleaded. “Please, madam, could I speak to St. George?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

For decades two heroic statues, one male, the other female, stood in the park, facing each other. One day there was a clap of thunder out of a clear sky, and an angel appeared. The angel announced, “You two have been such exemplary statues all these years, I’m going to grant you special powers. For 30 minutes you will come to life, and you will be able to do what you have wanted to do all this time.”

And it happened. The statues suddenly found themselves to be living people with all the pent up desires of real people. They eyed each other for a moment, and both exhibited devilish grins on their faces. They dashed off into the nearby woods together. For 15 minutes there came such sounds of raucous laughter, anybody nearby would have shocked.

When the two emerged the angel was still there. The angel reminded them, “There is still 15 minutes left. Do what you always wanted to do.”

The female statue looked at the other and said, “All right, this time you hold the pigeon down and I will shit on his head.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Smitty ran into his old friend Jacob and was amazed at the look of him. “What happened to your eye, dude?” He asks.

“Lisa Mae hit me,” Jacob replied.

“Why did she do that?” Smitty asked.

“Oh, I called her a two-bit whore, and she got mad,” Jacob responded.

Smitty emphasized. “That looks really bad. What did she hit you with?”

“A bag of quarters.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asks.

“I’m going to Las Vegas,” she responds. “There are women there who get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.”

The man starts packing his bags. She asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “I’m going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see somebody try to live on $800 a year.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man is walking along the beach, and he finds a strange bottle washed up. He thinks, “What can it hurt?” so he rubs the bottle.

A genie appears and intones, “I am authorized to offer you one wish. What will it be, master?”

The man tells the genie, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly. Build me a highway from California to Hawaii.”

The genie is appalled. “Do you realize the amount of raw materials that would require? You need to be more realistic.”

The man thinks and then decides. “OK, I’ve never been successful with girls. Could you make it so girls find me attractive?”

“Two lanes or four?” the genie responds.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Really bad

While shopping for vacation wear a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been ten years and at least twenty pounds since the woman had considered buying a bathing suit, so she asked her husband’s advice.

“Do you think I should get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “There’s no way you’re going to get it all in one.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man was in a terrific automobile accident, and he wakes up in a hospital bed. The doctor comes in to see him and exclaims, “Ah, I see you are awake. What can I do for you?”

The man replies, “Tell me, am I badly injured?”

The doctor calms the man down. You have a number of injuries from which you will soon recover. Unfortunately your penis was completely severed and destroyed in the fire from your accident. However, I do have some good news. We have developed new technology, and we can now generate a replacement penis. The bad news is the replacement costs $1000 per inch. The good news is you have been awarded $9000 damages by a court. So, you can spend the money as you see fit. Maybe you should discuss this with your wife. I see you have been married for over 30 years, and this may be something of great importance to the two of you.

So the doctor leaves, and later in the day he checks back with his patient. “Have you discussed the matter with your wife?” he asks.

“Yes, I have,” the man replies.

“What have you decided?” the doctor asks.

“We’re getting new marble counter tops.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A storekeeper on the main street in a small town came in one day and was dismayed to see another store had opened next door. They had a huge sign that said BEST DEALS.

The following day somebody else opened a store on the other side of his, and they had a big sign that read LOWEST PRICES.

Thinking quickly, he called a sign company and had them install a larger sign that said MAIN ENTRANCE.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Wife Makes A Big Sacrifice For Her Husband. What Keeps Her Motivated Is Hilarious!

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

While fishing off the coast of Key West in Florida a tourist capsized his boat. Although he was a good swimmer, he clung to his capsized boat rather than risk encountering an alligator closer to shore.

Presently a beachcomber came along and shouted out to him, asking if he needed any help. The tourist explained his situation. The beachcomber shouted out to him, “There aren’t any alligators in these waters.”

So the tourist let go of his boat and started swimming to shore. He paused half way and shouted to the beachcomber, “Are you sure there are no alligators, because I felt something brush my leg.”

The beachcomber shouted back, “There haven’t been any alligators her for years. The sharks got them all.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So, the woman goes to the psychiatrist. He asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s not me, Doctor,” she says. “It’s my husband.”

“What’s wrong with him,” the doctor asks.

“He’s become delusional,” the woman tells him.

“For example?” the doctor asks.

“Well, he thinks he’s a refrigerator.”

“That seems harmless enough. Can you live with that?”

“It’s no problem in the daytime, but at night when he’s sleeping his mouth drops open, and the light keeps me awake.”