Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Saturday turned rainy, so Tony decided to cancel his plans to go fishing, spending the day doing some stuff around the house. By ten at night he decided to call it a day and turned in. About an hour later the phone rang.

Tony rolled over, picked up the receiver and listened for a few seconds. Then he spoke into the phone. “How would I know? Why don’t you call the Coast Guard?” Then he slammed down the receiver.

“Who was that?” his wife asked.

“He didn’t say,” Tony responded.

“What did he want,” his wife asked.

“He wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

Breathtaking Inanity

Number 14 of a continuing series

This is shocking news. How much lower can people go?

Pence Warns Liberty University Graduates: Prepare To Be Shunned And Ridiculed For Being Christians [VIDEO]

May 12, 2019

Pence, who has been facing criticisms of his own religious views recently, warned graduates that they have to stay strong against the challenges they’ll get from Hollywood, the media and the secular left. “Some of the loudest voices for tolerance today have little tolerance for traditional Christian beliefs,” Pence said. “Be ready.”

“Throughout most of American history, it’s been pretty easy to call yourself Christian,” Pence said. “It didn’t even occur to people that you might be shunned or ridiculed for defending the teachings of the Bible. But things are different now.”

 Imagine the level of humiliation these graduates from arguably the most Christian of all universities will face. Consider the degree of derision that will confront them when future co-workers learn of their deep commitment to our Lord Jesus Christ. What if…

Wait! Additional breaking news has just landed on my desk. Without digging deeper into it, I’m going to put it out for you now. There is no time to waste. Here it is.

College President Deke Jorgensen Cautions Graduating Class

Dr. Deke Jorgensen, president of Fordlee Clown School, spoke to the graduating class today, and he gave them an urgent warning. “Be prepared to be laughed at,” he cautioned students.

See what I mean? It’s a heartless world out there.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Not really a joke this week, rather a collection of humorous proverbs

NINE IMPORTANT FACTS

Number 9 – Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Number 6 – Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see a man with a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 – Give a person a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, even years.

Number 4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

Number 3 – Everybody can take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 – In the 60s people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today could wind up burning you in the ass tomorrow.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

I think this was told to me by my third-grade teacher.

LDecades ago the customer service department at Sears and Roebuck received the following letter:

Dear sirs,

I am James Hickman of Slew Creek, Nebraska. Recently I ordered a water pump from your mail order catalog. We living out here on the prairie have to dig water wells, as our houses have no running water, so a water pump is a necessity of life.

So, the postman delivered your package yesterday, and I took it into the kitchen and opened up. There was the pump, but no handle. Now I ask you, what good is a water pump without a handle? You people in Chicago and the other big cities think we country folk are a bunch of dimwits, and you can get away with selling us such as a water pump without a handle. But I’m telling you, I’m not going to put up with this. I am taking this case to a lawyer tomorrow, and I am going to sue you, not only for the money you cheated me out of but for the time and expense I am having to go through to pursue this case. You have not heard the last of James Hickman.

Yours truly,

James Hickman
Slew Creek, Nebraska

P.S. Found the handle in the bottom of the box.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

This was told to me by somebody who had been in the military, so it may be one of those stories.

The two soldiers were assigned to a new outpost. They bunked in a building in some town. They were sleeping.

One of them woke up. “What’s that noise?” He wondered. He didn’t turn on the light. He stepped softly around the room, trying to locate the source of the noise. He got closer. The noise became more distinct.

“It’s in my shoe.” He gently picked up his shoe and listened. “There’s a mouse in my shoe.”

He walked slowly to the window, which was open. With a mighty heave he tossed the intruder out the window.

“My watch!” he said.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So this guy was walking home from the movies late at night, and he decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. It was pitch black along the path, and as luck would have it he stepped into a freshly dug grave. He was unhurt, but try as he could, he was unable to climb out. He decided the best thing for him to do was to wait for morning. Surely there would be a service at the grave, and people would come and discover him. So, he sat down in a dark corner of the hole and reflected on life’s misfortunes.

After some time another luckless soul came along and also fell in. The new guy didn’t notice the man sitting in the corner, and he also tried futilely to climb out. The first guy watched these goings on for nearly two minutes then decided to let his presence known.

“You’ll never make it,” he advised.

But he did.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So I’m teaching this class [told to me by a friend], and it meets at eight in the morning, so you can imagine. Nobody wants to be there at eight in the morning, and this is an exceptionally lackluster bunch. I was trying to cheer them up.

“Look, people. You need to get your day going right. Take me, for example. I’m in the gym by 5:30 for a good workout. Then back home I jump in the shower and I come out and feel rosy all over.”

Silence from the group. then on wise guy in the back raises his hand. “Tell us more about Rosy.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

It was a routine night, and Officer Murphy was thinking he would finish up his shift in a few minutes and head back to the station house. Then he spotted trouble.

A man was approaching walking unsteadily along the sidewalk. Only he had on foot up on the curb and one foot in the gutter. As the man got near Murphy called out, “Having some trouble there, fella?”

“No, I’m fine, officer. I’m heading home from my evening walk.”

“It appears to me you’ve had a bit too much,” Murphy told him.

“No, I’m fine officer. I only had one small drink. I’m going to go home now and get some rest.”

“I think you’re drunk.”

“I am certainly not drunk!”

“Then why are you walking with one foot in the street?”

The man looked down and slapped his forehead. “Thank God!” he exclaimed. “I thought I was lame.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

There was this guy Dave who worked in the office, and he had a great set of teeth. He was proud of them. He smiled a lot, showing off that mouth full of gems. And he had this notion.

“I’m going to take good care of my teeth, because I’m never going to have dentures. No matter how you make them, there’s always one problem.”

“What’s that?”

“There’s the smell. There will always be a smell. I’m never going to have dentures.

As you guessed, something happened. Dave cracked up his cute sports car and broke a tooth. Right in front. The dentist couldn’t save the tooth. It had to come out. But he was going to make an implant for Dave.

In the meantime Dave came to work, and he wasn’t smiling. He walked around with his lips drawn tightly over his teeth, mostly just grunting when he had to say something.

Then the big day came. Dave went in and got the implant, and he came into the office. And he was smiling again. He flashed his shiny white teeth,

“Looks really great, Dave,” I told him.

And somebody in the back said, “And it sure does stink.”

Political Humor

Number 2  Of An Infinite Series

I give up. I started posting humorous pieces on Fridays with the title “Friday Funny,” and along these lines I started collecting bits of humor to pass along. After doing this for more times than I can count I had to admit that the stuff was piling up faster than I could dish it out. My solution is to post something every day, but not in the hope that I will run out of humorous stuff. Trust me, with the help of President Donald J. Trump, I’m never going to pump this well dry. Here’s the first:

Enjoy. And keep reading.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Knave Ewen Canterwall was pulling the afternoon shift at the castle gate when he saw three horsemen ride up.

“Identify yourselves, sires,” he cried out to them.

One responded, “It is I, Lord Chesterfield, and with me the Earl of Kent and the Duke of Marlboro.”

“What do you want,” Canterwall demanded.

“We’d like a light,” the lord responded.