Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Bob was in a terrible automobile accident, and he suffered severe burns to his face. The doctors told him he would need a skin graft.

Happily, they determined his wife’s skin was a perfect match for the graft, and they took a large patch of skin from her buttocks region and grafted it onto Bob’s face. The operation was a complete success, and Bob came out looking as handsome as ever. He was ever grateful to his wife for her contribution.

“My dear,” Bob told her. “How can I ever thank you?”

She gave him a sweet smile and replied, “No need to thank me, Bob. I will get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Friday Funny

Number 72 of a series

There is always something funny on Friday. Other days, as well, but Friday is a good time to celebrate. And what is more funny than the words of self-centered people. Did I ever mention Anne Graham Lotz? Maybe it’s about time again:

In light of Ezekiel 33:1-6 that commands a watchman to be faithful to warn others of the danger coming against the land, I feel compelled to issue the warning once again. The warning is triggered by the total solar eclipse of August 21, 2017, nicknamed America’s Eclipse. For the first time in almost 100 years, a total solar eclipse will be seen from coast to coast in our nation.  People are preparing to mark this significant event with viewing parties at exclusive prime sites. The celebratory nature regarding the eclipse brings to my mind the Babylonian King Belshazzar who threw a drunken feast the night the Medes and Persians crept under the city gate.  While Belshazzar and his friends partied, they were oblivious to the impending danger.  Belshazzar wound up dead the next day, and the Babylonian empire was destroyed.

Yes, this is funny. Pathetic, yes, but funny nevertheless. Anne Lotz is also known as “Lotz wife,” so it’s not surprising she has some odd notions. But get this one. Lotz, a mature woman who is allowed to vote, operate a motor vehicle, and possess sharp objects, thinks that a natural phenomenon that has been on schedule to occur since millions of years ago, is a sign from God, not otherwise identified. Are we in trouble, people?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Here’s a story from way back. An American was vacationing in Spain, and he stopped at a restaurant in  Ronda, famous for being the birthplace of bull fighting in Spain. He was looking at the menu, but at another table he noticed a man enjoying an interesting dish. The aroma was enticing.

When the waiter came the American told him, “I want what that man is having.”

The waiter apologized. “Señor,” he said. “Those are bull’s testicles from this afternoon’s bull fight. Unfortunately there is only one bull per festival  in the off season, so we don’t have any more of this delicacy.”

The American chose another item from the menu, but the next day he was back and he asked about the order. Indeed, the waiter told him he could be served, and a few minutes later he served up a spicy plate of the dish.

But the American was puzzled, and he asked the waiter, “Yesterday the serving was much larger. Today, hardly anything. What gives?”

The waiter apologized. “Señor, sometimes the bull wins.”

Friday Funny

Number 71 of a series

This series is supposed to be about funny things, so I’m wondering whether this story applies. I’m going to guess it does, provided I define ironic as funny.

Rapper Shot and Killed After Claiming ‘God Made Me Bulletproof’

God made me bulletproof 🙏🙏

— Yung Mazi (@yungmazibwa) December 27, 2016

Apparently last Sunday was God’s day off.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Can you believe I have now done five years of these? This one is really bad.

A man is walking along the beach when he spies an ancient oil lamp. Thinking strange thoughts to himself,  he picks it up. He glances about to make sure nobody is watching, then he rubs the lamp. No surprise, a genie appears.

The genie says, “Bargain basement time. You only get one wish. Tell me what it is so I can get back inside the lamp.”

One wish. The man thinks hard. Then he thinks of something he wants really bad, and he answers. “I want a highway bridge from the California West Coast to Hawaii.”

The genie is taken aback. “Fellow,” he says, “Did you understand the part of this being a bargain basement wish? Can you imagine all the effort I’m going to have to put out to poof up such a construction. To say nothing of the permits required. Can you please consider something else?”

So the man thinks for a while and has a new idea. “I have a hard time getting girls. Can you make me attractive so women will chase me wherever I go?”

“You want four lanes or six lanes?” the genie asks.

Friday Funny

Number 70 of a series

A Facebook friend posted an item referencing “God’s ACLU.” It’s about an organization to defend religious liberty:

Advocates for religious liberty in America are part of what might be seen as the second wave of rights activism in the courts, the first being the wave that began in the 1950s and ’60s with litigation over the rights of minorities, women and criminal suspects, among others. In the past 25 years, conservative and libertarian groups have applied lessons that the liberal vanguard learned about how to select test cases for litigation as a way to steer the law. The focus today is still on the individual, but on his right to own guns, send his children to the school of his choice, or—Ms. Alvarado’s field of concern—worship freely and live a full religious life uncramped by the state.

“Our first case at Becket was in 1996,” Ms. Alvarado says. “A boy name Zachary Hood wanted to bring a ‘Beginner’s Bible’ to his first-grade class on share-your-favorite-story day. His teacher said, ‘No, you don’t get to do that.’ ” The family sued the school board but lost the case, and the Supreme Court declined to hear their appeal. But the board eventually settled in a related matter—having to do with a Thanksgiving poster the 6-year-old had drawn saying he was “thankful for Jesus”—and the federal Education Department issued official guidance shortly thereafter, affirming a student’s right to express religious beliefs in all schoolwork.

Some who know me may be surprised, but I an in favor of religious rights, otherwise known as the right to  act foolishly in public. That said, someone seriously in need of such protection is whacked out pastor Rick Joyner:

Right-wing pastor Rick Joyner posted a video on his Facebook page today claiming that the chaos that is engulfing the Trump White House is actually a sign that President Trump is an “extraordinary leader” … just like Jesus.

“I’m expecting some chaos in the White House team for the duration of Trump’s administration,” Joyner said, “and I am saying this is because he is such an extraordinary leader. It’s not a lack of leadership; it’s a different kind of leadership.”

Few would not agree that this is funny to an extraordinary degree.

Please join me in protecting Pastor Rick Joyner’s right to act foolishly in public.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Two women took a night off from their husbands and went clubbing. After a night of swigging at the bar, they realized neither was in any shape to drive, so they hoofed it home. Passing a grave yard they both realized they needed to pee really bad. The grave yard was an obvious choice.

They went there separate ways among the monuments and the first one used her panties to wipe, then threw them away. The second realized she was wearing her $100 set from Victoria’s Secret, so she fished around behind her for something else. Her hand found a scrap of paper, and she used that.

They both made it home all right, and both slept in, while their husbands got together for some golf.

“Did Martha make it back all right last night?” one asked.

“Fine, as far as I can tell,” replied the other, “but I’m thinking I’m going to have to rein in these ladies nights out.”

“Oh, yeah?” His friend asked. “What happened?”

“Nothing I can pin down,” said the other, “but stuck to her butt was a note that said, ‘We will never forget you,’ and it was signed by ‘The Men of Firehouse 29.'”

Friday Funny

Number 69 of a series

So what’s funny this Friday? You would be amazed. Then, maybe not. This one comes from the world of national politics:

Sen. Luther Strange (R-Ala.), the lawmaker appointed to fill the seat vacated by Attorney General Jeff Sessions, recently said that President Trump’s victory is “a biblical miracle.”

Lest you laugh, dear readers, there may be something to this. I was on-board last 8th of November, and there definitely was a parting of the waters, so to speak. There were those who said to themselves, “I think I’ll sign up for four years of boring to tears Hillary,” and there were those who said, “Hey, let’s roll the dice. I’ve always wondered what it would be like to have a schlemiel for President.”

And it gets funnier by the day.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A young Catholic woman went to confession for the first time in over a year. She could not wait to unload on her sinful ways.

“Father, I am not married, and last night my boyfriend and I made mad, passionate love.”

“Jesus will forgive,” the priest assured her.

“And, father,” she went on, “we continued on through the night. We committed fornication six or seven times last night.”

“Jesus will forgive,” the priest reassured her.

“What should I do?” the woman pleaded.

The priest advised her, “Cut a lemon in half and suck on the fruit for 30 minutes.”

“Will that atone for my sins?” the woman asked.

“No,” the priest assured her. “But it will remove that silly grin from your face.”

Friday Funny

Number 68 of a series

When politics and religion mix we get a double dose of funny. Fortunately it’s Friday again:

It’s not the first time Graham expressed his belief God had played a role in the results of the November election. He had tweeted earlier this month suggesting it was God, not Russia, that had interfered with the outcome.

In an interview Thursday, he said he doesn’t know if Russia hacked the election, and he doesn’t presume to know how God works. But he knows God answers prayer.

And, Graham said, “All I know is Donald Trump was supposed to lose the election,” according to projections of the results.

“For these states to go the way they did, in my opinion, I think it was the hand of God,” he said. “It wasn’t hacking. It wasn’t Wiki-leaky or whatever. It was God, in my opinion, and I believe his hand was at work, and I think he’s given Christians an opportunity.”

Yes, God certainly does work in mysterious ways. Maybe not as mysterious as the mind of Franklin Graham. And that is funny. So funny, is it, that I am still laughing.