Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

More jokes from a TV series I’m bingeing. It features comical skits, but lots of people die. The woman scientist is giving a keynote speech, and she wants to open with a joke.

Erwin Schrödinger is driving on the freeway when a cop pulls him over. “What have you got in the trunk?” the officer asks.
“It’s a cat,” Schrödinger replies.
“Let me see,” the officer demands. So Schrödinger opens the trunk.
“This cat is dead,” the officer observes.
“It is now,” Schrödinger replies.

Her husband, the FBI guy, has a better suggestion:

“I was talking to this astronaut, and he told me about a restaurant on the moon. The food is great, but there’s no atmosphere.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Some background. I was watching this TV episode that involved an FBI agent. He was trying to smoke out a suspect who attended open mic sessions. So he went on with a set of jokes written on cards as part of his ruse. He read off a few, and he was getting no laughs. So he went ad lib.

I once shot an unarmed man. Forget that I was the one who shot his arms off.

The judge asked me, “Did you commit this murder?” I told him I did not. He asked, “Do you know the penalty for perjury?” I told him, I did not, but I was sure it was a lot less than the penalty for murder.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

I love the military way of doing things. I came across this short item on the Internet.

During training exercises, the Lieutenant who was driving down a muddy back road encountered another car stuck in the mud with a red-faced Colonel at the wheel.

“Your car stuck, sir?” asked the Lieutenant as he pulled alongside. “Nope,” replied the colonel, coming over and handing him the keys. “Yours is.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

“Well,” snarled the tough old Navy chief to the bewildered Seaman.  “I suppose after you get discharged from the Navy,  you’ll just be waiting for me to die so you can come and piss on my grave.”

“Not me, Chief!” the Seaman replied.  “Once I get out of the Navy, I’m never going to stand in line again!”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/militaryjokes/navyjokes.html

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

CAPTAIN SMITHERS

In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new Commanding Officer was sent to an African jungle outpost to relieve the retiring Colonel. After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring Colonel said, “You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man, God, he’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO who was surprised to meet a crooked, toothless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, with three strands of hair on his head – a particularly unattractive man of less than three foot tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honour’s from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar and three DSO’s after 12 months of expeditions behind enemy lines. I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won Gold Medals in the middleweight division boxing, archery gold, wrestling and a 2 golds in the Olympic games. I have researched the history of …”

Here the Colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes, never mind that Smithers, the CO can find all that in your file. Tell him about the day you told the witch doctor to “Go fuck herself.”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/militaryjokes/navyjokes.html

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Bill worked in an office at a large insurance company. The work was dull and repetitive. At the desk next to Bill’s his friend Howard told him, “Bill, why don’t you take the afternoon off. Go home and have a little fling with your wife?

Bill told him, “No, I can’t do that. I’ll get caught. I could lose my job.”

“No way,” Howard told him. Mike left the office 30 minutes ago, and he won’t be back until tomorrow. Nobody here in the office will rat on you. You won’t get caught.”

So Bill thought about it and made the decision. He got his coat and left. He drove to his house, but as he drew near he spotted a car in the drive way. It was Mike’s car. Bill ducked his head down and quickly drove on by and then went back to the office.

As Bill came back in and hung up his coat, Howard was startled. “Bill, you’re back. What happened?”

Bill told him, “I almost got caught.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Bill was having a good time at Murphy’s pub, singing and drinking with his war buddies. By closing time he was beginning to think he had stayed too long. His plan was to get home safely and hope his wife was asleep.

He carefully walked home, being careful not to trip. He slipped inside the house and made it to the bedroom. All was dark and quiet.

As he silently crawled into bed he heard the ominous voice. “Bill, you’re drunk.”

Putting up a great show of indignance, Bill asked defiantly, “Oh yeah. What makes you say that.”

“Because you live next door.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

When bill arrived back at the farm after a trip into town, he found Martha waiting for him on the front porch.

“What’s up, Babes?” he asked.

“”We have a problem with the tractor,” she replied.”

“Yeah, what’s wrong with it?” he asked.

“It’s got water in the carburetor,” she responded.

“No, that can”t be,” Bill said.

“Well, it’s true,” she insisted.

Bill decided to see for himself. “All right. I’ll have a look at it. Where’s the tractor?”

“It’s in the pool.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

This I recall from Readers Digest, decades ago.

Yoeman Brown, was gathering the admiral’s papers after his retirement. Brown was sure he had everything from the admiral’s office, but then he checked a small drawer in the desk. He opened the drawer and found a sheet of paper. On the paper was a short sentence.

Port is on the left, starboard is on the right.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

I get complaints. Not really, but suppose I got complaints. Some of the jokes are actually funny. I can fix that. I asked Google to point me toward some stupid boss jokes. Even that didn’t go well. Here is one of the hits, without attribution.

Casey M
What’s a pirates favorite letter?
(insert: you saying “R”)
You’d think it’d be the “R” but it’s the “C.”

Jasmine E
A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “I’ll have a………… pint of beer please.”
The bartender asks, “Why the big pause?”
The bear replies, “Well, I’ve always had em!”

Kat J
Why did the can crusher quit his job?
Because it was soda pressing.

See what I mean?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, “What’s with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!”

The doctor chimed in, “I don’t know, but I’ve never seen such inept golf!”

The priest said, “Here comes the green-keeper. Let’s have a word with him.”

He said, “Hello George, what’s wrong with that group ahead of us? They’re rather slow, aren’t they?”

The green-keeper replied, “Oh, yes. That’s a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime.”

The group fell silent for a moment.

The priest said, “That’s so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight.”

The doctor said, “Good idea. I’m going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there’s anything he can do for them.”

The engineer said, “Why can’t they play at night?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

A selection especially for math lovers

2. Why do teenagers travel in groups of 3 or 5?

Because they can’t even.

3. Why should you worry about the math teacher holding graph paper?

She’s definitely plotting something.

6. Why is it sad that parallel lines have so much in common?

Because they’ll never meet.

7. Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

8. Why are obtuse angles so depressed?

Because they’re never right.

9. What’s the best way to woo a math teacher?

Use acute angle.

10. Did you hear about the mathematician whose afraid of negative numbers?

He’ll stop at nothing to avoid them.

11. How come old math teachers never die?

They tend to just lose some of their functions.

12. My girlfriend is the square root of -100.

She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

13. How do you stay warm in any room?

Just huddle in the corner, where it’s always 90 degrees.

14. Did you hear the one about the statistician.

Probably.

15. What’s the best way to serve pi?

A la mode. Anything else is mean.

16. A farmer counted 297 cows in the field.

But when he rounded them up, he had 300.

This page has a total of 56 of these, that is if numbers matter.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Ben and Mildred got married right out of college, and after 20 years in the business world Ben was vice president of a large commercial bank. The couple lived in a spacious home in an exclusive neighborhood.

However, when Ben came home from work one day Mildred was waiting for him. “I want a divorce, Ben,” she told him.

Ben asked why. She told him, “Last night when Sally and I were out shopping, when you said you would be working late, I saw you going into a bar with a woman. I won’t stay with a husband who is unfaithful to me.”

“Mildred,” Ben told her. “You don’t understand. She is my mistress. All successful men have mistresses. It’s a status symbol that goes with what we have accomplished.”

“I don’t believe you, ” Mildred told him.”

“I will show you,” Ben said. Come with me right now, and I will show you.”

So they went out, and they went to a swanky club. Ben and Mildred sat at a table and waited. Presently, Jim, the bank president came in. He had a much younger woman with him, and they sat at a table and talked intimately. Then Ben and Mildred left.

On the ride back Mildred was silent. “So, what do you think?” Ben asked.

“Our mistress is prettier than Jim’s.” she said.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Discovered on my Facebook feed from a friend

I was having breakfast with my 10-year-old granddaughter when I asked her, “What day is tomorrow?”

Without skipping a beat she replied, “It’s Presidents Day.”

She’s so smart, so I asked her, “What does President’s Day mean?” I was expecting her to mention Washington, Jefferson, Lincoln or some famous president.

She responded, “President’s Day is when the President steps out of the White House, and if he sees his shadow it means we’re going to have six more weeks of bull shit.”

I’m setting aside a fund for her college education.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Not a joke this time, rather a collection from a pamphlet titled Atheists Say the Darndest Things.

  1. A belief is not true because it is useful: Amiel Journal
  2. A casual stroll through a lunatic asylum shows faith does not prove anything: Friedrich Nietzsche
  3. Ignorance is the mother of true piety: Henry Cole, Dean of St. Paul’s 1559
  4. When we talk to God, we’re praying. When God talks to us it’s schizophrenic: Lily Tomlin
  5. To all things clergic, I am allergic: Alexander Woolcott
  6. “God” is a three-letter word meaning “I don’t know:” anonymous
  7. Man is certainly stark mad. He cannot make a worm, and yet he will be making gods by the dozens: Montaigne
  8. Religion. A daughter of Hope and Fear, explaining to Ignorance the Unknowable: Ambrose Bierce

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Get Up and Bar the Door

It fell about the Martinmas time,
And a gay time it was then,
When our goodwife got puddings to make,
And she ’s boild them in the pan.

The wind sae cauld blew south and north,
And blew into the floor;
Quoth our goodman to our goodwife,
“Gae out and bar the door.”

“My hand is in my hussyfskap,
Goodman, as ye may see;
An it shoud nae be barrd this hundred year,
It ’s no be barrd for me.”

They made a paction tween them twa,
They made it firm and sure,
That the first word whaeer shoud speak,
Shoud rise and bar the door.

Then by there came two gentlemen,
At twelve o clock at night,
And they could neither see house nor hall,
Nor coal nor candle-light.

“Now whether is this a rich man’s house,
Or whether is it a poor?”
But neer a word wad ane o them speak,
For barring of the door.

And first they ate the white puddings,
And then they ate the black;
Tho muckle thought the goodwife to hersel,
Yet neer a word she spake.

Then said the one unto the other,
“Here, man, tak ye my knife;
Do ye tak aff the auld man’s beard,
And I ’ll kiss the goodwife.”

“But there ’s nae water in the house,
And what shall we do than?”
What ails thee at the pudding-broo,
That boils into the pan?”

O up then started our goodman,
An angry man was he:
“Will ye kiss my wife before my een,
And scad me wi pudding-bree?”

Then up and started our goodwife,
Gied three skips on the floor:
“Goodman, you’ve spoken the foremost word,
Get up and bar the door.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Straight from Facebook to you:

So I was in the pet store, and I told the owner I wanted an unusual pet. So he tells me how about this giant centipede? And I say so it’s a big centipede, but what of it? And he says this centipede can talk, so I think what have I got to lose, so I take home the centipede.

And now I’m thinking what was I thinking. A centipede that can talk? So I try to get the centipede to say something, and I tell him I’m going out for a beer.

Nothing. The centipede doesn’t say anything, so I go about my business around the house, but soon I’m starting to think maybe I would like to go out for a beer, and I get ready to leave. I tell the centipede I’m going out for a beer, and the centipede says, “I heard you the first time. I just need to get my shoes on.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Blond jokes are not only about women.

A blond man is in the shower. His wife shouts to him, “Did you find the shampoo?” “Yes, I did,” he shouts back. “But this shampoo is not for me. The label says it’s for dry hair, but I just got mine wet.”

A blond man spots an envelope on his door mat. Stamped on it in large letters is, “Do Not Bend.” He spends the rest of the day figuring out how to pick it up.

A blond man shouts frantically into the phone to the 911 operator. “My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are two minutes apart.” The operator tries to calm him down. She says, “Take it easy, sir. Is this her first child?” “No,” the man shouts back. “This is her husband.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

So a guy is in a bar, and he’s talking to the bartender. He says, “Who’s that guy down at the end? He’s drinking alone.”

The bartender says, “That’s Melvin. He’s kind of stupid, but you can have a lot of fun with him.”

So the guy goes over and introduces himself, and they get to talking. The guy says, “Hey, Melvin, I have a riddle for you.”

So Melvin says, “All right. What is it?”

The guy says, “Sisters and brothers I have none. But this man’s father is my father’s son. So who is it?”

Melvin thinks for a while and finally says, “I give up. Who is it?”

The man says, “It’s my son!”

And Melvin chuckles and says, “That’s very clever. I’m going to tell this one to my wife.”

So Melvin goes home and he tells his wife, “I heard this this riddle, and I’m going to tell it to you.”

His wife groans and says, “Don’t bother.”

But Melvin does anyway. He says, “It goes like this. Sisters and brothers I have none, but this man’s father is my father’s son. So, who is it?”

Melvin’s wife thinks for a while then says, “I give up. Who is it?”

Melvin says, “You wouldn’t know him. but I met his father in the bar tonight.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a Continuing Series

Actually this bit of humor is from the movie.

Eva Peron is suggested to have slept her way to power as First Lady of Argentina, the wife of Juan Peron. Her past dogged her throughout, even as she represented her country on foreign trips.

She visited Spain, where dictator for life Generalissimo Francisco Franco ruled with an iron hand. After a grand review of the troops Sra. Peron had a question for the Generalissimo. “As the troops marched by,” she inquired, “they turned their faces toward me and chanted, ‘Whore! Whore!’ Is this proper?”

“Do not take them too seriously, Señora Peron,” he told her. “What do they know? For example they still call me ‘Generalissimo,’ and I haven’t worn my uniform in years.”