Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

From a page or Rodney Dangerfield one-liners

“People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils – Texaco, Mobil, Exxon…”

“Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.”

“Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.”

“I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio… I don’t understand a word they’re saying.”

“I bought a perfect second car… a tow truck.”

“I have three kids, one of each.”

“I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.”

“Boy what a hotel that was. Why, they stole my towel!”

“I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, ‘On your mark… ‘”

“What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.”

“When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody’s fingers.”

“I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.”

“I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.”

“In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.”

“I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn’t a professional; the knife had butter on it.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

From a page of Johnny Carson one-liners

Last night, it was so cold, the flashers in New York were only describing themselves.

You get the feeling that Dan Quayle’s golf bag doesn’t have a full set of irons?

Some sad news from Australia… the inventor of the boomerang grenade died today.

Democracy means that anyone can grow up to be president, and anyone who doesn’t grow up can be vice president.

There is a power struggle going on between President Reagan’s advisers. Moe and Curly are out. Larry is still in.

Nancy Reagan fell down and broke her hair.

That would have been a great ticket, Reagan and Ford. An actor and a stuntman.

Did you know Richard Nixon is the only president whose formal portrait was painted by a police sketch artist?

Happiness is your dentist telling you it won’t hurt and then having him catch his hand in the drill.

The Hollywood tradition I like best is called “sucking up to the stars.”

“Ronald Reagan just signed the new tax law. But I think he was in Hollywood too long. He signed it, ‘Best wishes, Ronald Reagan.'”

The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.

If life was fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.

If variety is the spice of life, marriage is the big can of leftover Spam

It was so hot today I saw a robin dipping his worm in Nestea.

It was so hot today that Burger King was singing, “if you want it your way, cook it yourself.”

source: http://www.jokes4us.com/peoplejokes/comedianjokes/johnnycarsonjokes.html

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man wasn’t feeling well, so he went to the doctor.

After examining him the doctor took his wife aside and said, “Your husband has a very sensitive heart. I am afraid he’s not going to make it, unless you treat him like a king., which means you are at his beck and call 24 hours a day and that he doesn’t have to do anything himself.”

On the way home the husband asked his wife, with a note of concern, “What did he say?”

She turned to him and gently told him, “He said it looks like you’re probably  not going to make it.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the barman, who comes over immediately.

When he arrives she suggests seductively that he should bring his face close to hers. When he does, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.

“Are you the landlord?” she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

“Actually, no,” he replies.

“Can you get him for me? I need to speak with him,” she says, running her hands up through his beard and into his hair.

“I’m afraid I can’t,” the barman replies, clearly aroused. “Is there anything I can do?”

“Yes, I need you to give him a message,” she continues in a husky voice, popping two of her slender fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

“What should I tell him?”

“Tell him there’s no toilet paper in the lady’s room.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Jake had a long and successful career pitching in the major leagues. But those days were long past, and as he lay dying his friend Ernest, who had played second base, came to visit.

“Ernie,” Jake said, “After i die I’m going to come back and visit you.”

“No way,” Ernie replied.”

“No. I will. I promise,” Jake told him.

Shortly after, Jake died, and Ernie mourned his passing. Then one night he was awakened in the middle of his sleep. He opened his eyes, and he saw the apparition of his friend Jake standing before him.

“Jake, is it really you?” Ernie asked.

“Yes, Ernie. It’s me. Your old friend Jake.”

“You’re dead?”

“What else?”

“What’s it like.”

“It’s wonderful, Ernie. I’m in Heaven.”

“Heaven! Jake, that’s wonderful. Tell me about Heaven.”

“Well, there’s the good news, and there’s the bad news. First, you won’t believe it, but I play baseball every day. And all the big guys are here. Just yesterday I pitched against Babe Ruth, and I struck him out.”

“Wow! That’s fantastic. What’s the bad news.”

“You are pinch hitting this Saturday.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Coach Blair had a winning team, but there was one problem. He called Lester Clem in for a talk.

“Lester,” he told him, “You’re a great running back, and we need you on the team, but the athletic department requires you keep your grades up. You need to bear down this semester, because I need to see a good grade report if I’m going to keep you on the team.”

Lester agreed to give it his best, but four weeks later Coach Blair called him in again.

“Lester,” he said, “I just received your grade report, and you’ve got four Fs and a D. You know that that means, don’t you?”

Lester shook his head as though he understood. “I see the problem, coach. I’m spending too much time on one subject.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Saturday turned rainy, so Tony decided to cancel his plans to go fishing, spending the day doing some stuff around the house. By ten at night he decided to call it a day and turned in. About an hour later the phone rang.

Tony rolled over, picked up the receiver and listened for a few seconds. Then he spoke into the phone. “How would I know? Why don’t you call the Coast Guard?” Then he slammed down the receiver.

“Who was that?” his wife asked.

“He didn’t say,” Tony responded.

“What did he want,” his wife asked.

“He wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Not really a joke this week, rather a collection of humorous proverbs

NINE IMPORTANT FACTS

Number 9 – Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Number 6 – Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see a man with a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 – Give a person a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, even years.

Number 4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

Number 3 – Everybody can take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 – In the 60s people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today could wind up burning you in the ass tomorrow.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

I think this was told to me by my third-grade teacher.

LDecades ago the customer service department at Sears and Roebuck received the following letter:

Dear sirs,

I am James Hickman of Slew Creek, Nebraska. Recently I ordered a water pump from your mail order catalog. We living out here on the prairie have to dig water wells, as our houses have no running water, so a water pump is a necessity of life.

So, the postman delivered your package yesterday, and I took it into the kitchen and opened up. There was the pump, but no handle. Now I ask you, what good is a water pump without a handle? You people in Chicago and the other big cities think we country folk are a bunch of dimwits, and you can get away with selling us such as a water pump without a handle. But I’m telling you, I’m not going to put up with this. I am taking this case to a lawyer tomorrow, and I am going to sue you, not only for the money you cheated me out of but for the time and expense I am having to go through to pursue this case. You have not heard the last of James Hickman.

Yours truly,

James Hickman
Slew Creek, Nebraska

P.S. Found the handle in the bottom of the box.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

This was told to me by somebody who had been in the military, so it may be one of those stories.

The two soldiers were assigned to a new outpost. They bunked in a building in some town. They were sleeping.

One of them woke up. “What’s that noise?” He wondered. He didn’t turn on the light. He stepped softly around the room, trying to locate the source of the noise. He got closer. The noise became more distinct.

“It’s in my shoe.” He gently picked up his shoe and listened. “There’s a mouse in my shoe.”

He walked slowly to the window, which was open. With a mighty heave he tossed the intruder out the window.

“My watch!” he said.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So this guy was walking home from the movies late at night, and he decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. It was pitch black along the path, and as luck would have it he stepped into a freshly dug grave. He was unhurt, but try as he could, he was unable to climb out. He decided the best thing for him to do was to wait for morning. Surely there would be a service at the grave, and people would come and discover him. So, he sat down in a dark corner of the hole and reflected on life’s misfortunes.

After some time another luckless soul came along and also fell in. The new guy didn’t notice the man sitting in the corner, and he also tried futilely to climb out. The first guy watched these goings on for nearly two minutes then decided to let his presence known.

“You’ll never make it,” he advised.

But he did.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So I’m teaching this class [told to me by a friend], and it meets at eight in the morning, so you can imagine. Nobody wants to be there at eight in the morning, and this is an exceptionally lackluster bunch. I was trying to cheer them up.

“Look, people. You need to get your day going right. Take me, for example. I’m in the gym by 5:30 for a good workout. Then back home I jump in the shower and I come out and feel rosy all over.”

Silence from the group. then on wise guy in the back raises his hand. “Tell us more about Rosy.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

It was a routine night, and Officer Murphy was thinking he would finish up his shift in a few minutes and head back to the station house. Then he spotted trouble.

A man was approaching walking unsteadily along the sidewalk. Only he had on foot up on the curb and one foot in the gutter. As the man got near Murphy called out, “Having some trouble there, fella?”

“No, I’m fine, officer. I’m heading home from my evening walk.”

“It appears to me you’ve had a bit too much,” Murphy told him.

“No, I’m fine officer. I only had one small drink. I’m going to go home now and get some rest.”

“I think you’re drunk.”

“I am certainly not drunk!”

“Then why are you walking with one foot in the street?”

The man looked down and slapped his forehead. “Thank God!” he exclaimed. “I thought I was lame.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

There was this guy Dave who worked in the office, and he had a great set of teeth. He was proud of them. He smiled a lot, showing off that mouth full of gems. And he had this notion.

“I’m going to take good care of my teeth, because I’m never going to have dentures. No matter how you make them, there’s always one problem.”

“What’s that?”

“There’s the smell. There will always be a smell. I’m never going to have dentures.

As you guessed, something happened. Dave cracked up his cute sports car and broke a tooth. Right in front. The dentist couldn’t save the tooth. It had to come out. But he was going to make an implant for Dave.

In the meantime Dave came to work, and he wasn’t smiling. He walked around with his lips drawn tightly over his teeth, mostly just grunting when he had to say something.

Then the big day came. Dave went in and got the implant, and he came into the office. And he was smiling again. He flashed his shiny white teeth,

“Looks really great, Dave,” I told him.

And somebody in the back said, “And it sure does stink.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Knave Ewen Canterwall was pulling the afternoon shift at the castle gate when he saw three horsemen ride up.

“Identify yourselves, sires,” he cried out to them.

One responded, “It is I, Lord Chesterfield, and with me the Earl of Kent and the Duke of Marlboro.”

“What do you want,” Canterwall demanded.

“We’d like a light,” the lord responded.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

My friend Mike was telling me about a bar that had opened on 7th Street. “Happy hour Tuesday, nothing can beat it. Half price on well drinks. Draft refill is free.”

“Sounds like the place to go,” I told him.

“And the spread. You should see the spread. Fried cheese sticks and shrimp. Nothing to beat it. What’s more is for $2 you can go in the back and get laid.”

I was impressed. “But you haven’t been there, yourself.”

“No, but my sister has.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

You think you had a bad day.

Lord Ankleford, Second Earl of Alleybury, returned to his country estate after a business trip. His loyal butler, Anderson, met him at the gate. “M’lord,” he intoned dryly,” I have some bad news. Your dog Buster has died.”

The earl was shocked. “That’s so sudden. Buster was not an old dog. What was the cause.”

“Hard to tell, m’lord. It could have been due to eating the burnt horse flesh.”

“And what burnt horse flesh might that be, Anderson?”

“Your horses, m’lord. You see, the stables burned down.”

“My word, Anderson. How did the stables catch fire?”

“M’lord, it was likely the sparks from the house.”

“My house?”

“Yes, m’lord. The candles caught the curtains on fire.”

“What? What candles?”

“Those would be the candles on the coffin, m’lord.”

“Coffin?”

“Yes, m’lord. Your father has passed away.”

“Anderson, that was so sudden. What was the cause.”

“It was a heart attack, m’lord. Due to the shock.”

“What shock, Anderson?”

“You see, m’lord, your wife ran off with the chauffeur.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

It’s a good thing that Americans are beginning to appreciate their agriculture industry. Farmers and ranchers provide enough food to provide for all American citizens, leaving a bountiful harvest left over for export. A group of people from the city came out into the country to see for themselves how this bounty is produced.

A farmer was giving a city slicker a tour of his business, and the man had a number of questions. “How much milk do you get from this cow?” he asked.

The farmer appreciated the visitor’s interest, and he was anxious to explain. “Cattle are raised for a variety of purposes. Some cattle are raised to produce milk, and some are raised only for their meat. But this one does not produce any milk, and the main reason is that this is a bull.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

These would be funny if they were not true.

A few of the reasons people shot people in May 2018

A family of four tried to pass me on the interstate, so I shot and killed the mom. (WI, 5/1)

I was fired from my job so I went back with a shotgun and shot five people. (TX, 5/9)

My brother wanted my cheeseburger, so I shot him dead. (FL, 5/5)

I tried to get some tacos from the taco truck, and some guy thought I cut in line in front of him, so I shot him. (TX, 5/10)

I was playing with my gun at home and unintentionally pulled the trigger. The bullet went through my hand, through a woman’s leg, through a wall, into a neighbor’s apartment, and into the body of a four-month-old baby who was nursing in its mother’s arms. (GA, 5/10)

1 liked to feed the squirrels in our neighborhood, but several of my neighbors didn’t like that. One of them argued with me about it, so I shot him in the buttocks and claimed self defense. (CO, 5/12)

My husband and I were having a fight, so we both grabbed our guns and shot each other. (VA, 5/13)

My three-year-old stepson was jumping on the bed and wouldn’t behave, so I shot him dead. (TX, 5/19)

My girlfriend was arguing with me about how to spend the money I inherited. She got mad and pulled a gun on me, so I took it away from her and shot her with it. (KY, (5/19)

Dad and I were arguing, so I shot him a few times and dropped the gun. He picked it up and shot me. (FL, 5/23)

My neighbor was mowing her lawn. I showed her where I thought the boundary was between our properties, but she disagreed, so I shot her. (WA, 5/28)