Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A man was walking down the sidewalk. From out of nowhere a voice spoke to him. “Stop. Don’t take another step. A brick is about to fall on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped, and a brick crashed to the sidewalk in  front of him. He was amazed. He looked up. He looked around. He couldn’t find the source of the voice. He kept walking.

The voice came again. “Stop. Don’t cross the street. A car is about to run a red light, and it will kill you.”

The man stopped at the curb, and a speeding car charged through the intersection. The man was astounded. He looked around, but he saw nothing.

He spoke, “Where are you? Who are you?”

The voice spoke to him, “You can’t see me. I’m your guardian angel. I make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

The man was amazed. “Really? A guardian angel? Where were you when I got married?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes all three he goes back to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender reminds him, “You know that when I draw a pint it starts to go flat. It would be better if you ordered one pint at a time.”

The Irishman explains, “It’s this way. I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia. I’m here in Dublin. When we parted ways years ago we promised we would drink this way to remember when we all drank together.”

The bartender admits it’s a nice custom and leaves it at that.

The Irishman becomes a regular customer, coming to the pub at least once a week. But then one day he comes in and only orders two pints. He looks very sad, and everybody knows something terrible has happened.

“I see there’s only two of you now,” the bartender tells the Irishman. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Oh, no,” the Irishman explains. “My brothers are still all right. It’s just me. I’ve quit drinking.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Some witticisms from Steve:

I had sex with a married woman in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

A lot of conflict could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Someone broke into my house and stole all the lamps. I was delighted.

Q: What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
A: You had me at “hello world”.

I love the idea of living a healthy life. But only the idea of it.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A sunny day in Ireland, and two men are sitting in  a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, “You see that man over there? He looks just like me. I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, sir,” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me.”

The second man turns around and says, “Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Dublin,”

The second man, stunned, says, “Me too! What street do you live on?”

“McCarthy street,” the second man replies.

“Me to! What number is it?”

The first man announces, “182.”

The second man, shocked, says, “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”

The first man replies, “Conner and Shannon.”

The second man, awestruck, says, “Mine too! this is unbelievable!”

So, they buy some more Guinness, and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes to the other and asks, “What’s new today?”

“Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. Instantly a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your boss.

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money,” he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account, and 44 million dollars appeared in  his boss’s account

For his second wish the man asked for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini and a Ferrari appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside his boss’s house.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish. You should choose carefully.” To this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

“Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just to have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed away, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.

“Listen here, Suzie,” said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic. One of my friends did it after her husband died, and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.

“Is he here?” Suzie asked.

“Yes, I sense him,” was the reply.

“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie constantly asked.”

“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke,” said the psychic.

“Oh, of course,” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more than a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one for him?” questioned Suzie urgently.

“Hmm,” said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried to Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken  Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to  tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was driving along near a campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Hillary’ hat and a ‘Save
the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,
thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear’s grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. “I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed.
“I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that guy?
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don’t know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?