Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Saturday turned rainy, so Tony decided to cancel his plans to go fishing, spending the day doing some stuff around the house. By ten at night he decided to call it a day and turned in. About an hour later the phone rang.

Tony rolled over, picked up the receiver and listened for a few seconds. Then he spoke into the phone. “How would I know? Why don’t you call the Coast Guard?” Then he slammed down the receiver.

“Who was that?” his wife asked.

“He didn’t say,” Tony responded.

“What did he want,” his wife asked.

“He wanted to know if the coast was clear.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Not really a joke this week, rather a collection of humorous proverbs

NINE IMPORTANT FACTS

Number 9 – Death is the number 1 killer in the world.

Number 8 – Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 7 – Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which you can die.

Number 6 – Men have two emotions: hungry and horny. If you see a man with a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.

Number 5 – Give a person a fish, and you feed him for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet, and he won’t bother you for weeks, months, even years.

Number 4 – Health nuts are going to feel stupid some day lying in a hospital dying of nothing.

Number 3 – Everybody can take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 2 – In the 60s people took acid to make the world look weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it look normal.

Number 1 – Life is like a jar of jalapeƱos. What you do today could wind up burning you in the ass tomorrow.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

I think this was told to me by my third-grade teacher.

LDecades ago the customer service department at Sears and Roebuck received the following letter:

Dear sirs,

I am James Hickman of Slew Creek, Nebraska. Recently I ordered a water pump from your mail order catalog. We living out here on the prairie have to dig water wells, as our houses have no running water, so a water pump is a necessity of life.

So, the postman delivered your package yesterday, and I took it into the kitchen and opened up. There was the pump, but no handle. Now I ask you, what good is a water pump without a handle? You people in Chicago and the other big cities think we country folk are a bunch of dimwits, and you can get away with selling us such as a water pump without a handle. But I’m telling you, I’m not going to put up with this. I am taking this case to a lawyer tomorrow, and I am going to sue you, not only for the money you cheated me out of but for the time and expense I am having to go through to pursue this case. You have not heard the last of James Hickman.

Yours truly,

James Hickman
Slew Creek, Nebraska

P.S. Found the handle in the bottom of the box.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

This was told to me by somebody who had been in the military, so it may be one of those stories.

The two soldiers were assigned to a new outpost. They bunked in a building in some town. They were sleeping.

One of them woke up. “What’s that noise?” He wondered. He didn’t turn on the light. He stepped softly around the room, trying to locate the source of the noise. He got closer. The noise became more distinct.

“It’s in my shoe.” He gently picked up his shoe and listened. “There’s a mouse in my shoe.”

He walked slowly to the window, which was open. With a mighty heave he tossed the intruder out the window.

“My watch!” he said.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So this guy was walking home from the movies late at night, and he decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery. It was pitch black along the path, and as luck would have it he stepped into a freshly dug grave. He was unhurt, but try as he could, he was unable to climb out. He decided the best thing for him to do was to wait for morning. Surely there would be a service at the grave, and people would come and discover him. So, he sat down in a dark corner of the hole and reflected on life’s misfortunes.

After some time another luckless soul came along and also fell in. The new guy didn’t notice the man sitting in the corner, and he also tried futilely to climb out. The first guy watched these goings on for nearly two minutes then decided to let his presence known.

“You’ll never make it,” he advised.

But he did.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So I’m teaching this class [told to me by a friend], and it meets at eight in the morning, so you can imagine. Nobody wants to be there at eight in the morning, and this is an exceptionally lackluster bunch. I was trying to cheer them up.

“Look, people. You need to get your day going right. Take me, for example. I’m in the gym by 5:30 for a good workout. Then back home I jump in the shower and I come out and feel rosy all over.”

Silence from the group. then on wise guy in the back raises his hand. “Tell us more about Rosy.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

It was a routine night, and Officer Murphy was thinking he would finish up his shift in a few minutes and head back to the station house. Then he spotted trouble.

A man was approaching walking unsteadily along the sidewalk. Only he had on foot up on the curb and one foot in the gutter. As the man got near Murphy called out, “Having some trouble there, fella?”

“No, I’m fine, officer. I’m heading home from my evening walk.”

“It appears to me you’ve had a bit too much,” Murphy told him.

“No, I’m fine officer. I only had one small drink. I’m going to go home now and get some rest.”

“I think you’re drunk.”

“I am certainly not drunk!”

“Then why are you walking with one foot in the street?”

The man looked down and slapped his forehead. “Thank God!” he exclaimed. “I thought I was lame.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

There was this guy Dave who worked in the office, and he had a great set of teeth. He was proud of them. He smiled a lot, showing off that mouth full of gems. And he had this notion.

“I’m going to take good care of my teeth, because I’m never going to have dentures. No matter how you make them, there’s always one problem.”

“What’s that?”

“There’s the smell. There will always be a smell. I’m never going to have dentures.

As you guessed, something happened. Dave cracked up his cute sports car and broke a tooth. Right in front. The dentist couldn’t save the tooth. It had to come out. But he was going to make an implant for Dave.

In the meantime Dave came to work, and he wasn’t smiling. He walked around with his lips drawn tightly over his teeth, mostly just grunting when he had to say something.

Then the big day came. Dave went in and got the implant, and he came into the office. And he was smiling again. He flashed his shiny white teeth,

“Looks really great, Dave,” I told him.

And somebody in the back said, “And it sure does stink.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Knave Ewen Canterwall was pulling the afternoon shift at the castle gate when he saw three horsemen ride up.

“Identify yourselves, sires,” he cried out to them.

One responded, “It is I, Lord Chesterfield, and with me the Earl of Kent and the Duke of Marlboro.”

“What do you want,” Canterwall demanded.

“We’d like a light,” the lord responded.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

My friend Mike was telling me about a bar that had opened on 7th Street. “Happy hour Tuesday, nothing can beat it. Half price on well drinks. Draft refill is free.”

“Sounds like the place to go,” I told him.

“And the spread. You should see the spread. Fried cheese sticks and shrimp. Nothing to beat it. What’s more is for $2 you can go in the back and get laid.”

I was impressed. “But you haven’t been there, yourself.”

“No, but my sister has.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

You think you had a bad day.

Lord Ankleford, Second Earl of Alleybury, returned to his country estate after a business trip. His loyal butler, Anderson, met him at the gate. “M’lord,” he intoned dryly,” I have some bad news. Your dog Buster has died.”

The earl was shocked. “That’s so sudden. Buster was not an old dog. What was the cause.”

“Hard to tell, m’lord. It could have been due to eating the burnt horse flesh.”

“And what burnt horse flesh might that be, Anderson?”

“Your horses, m’lord. You see, the stables burned down.”

“My word, Anderson. How did the stables catch fire?”

“M’lord, it was likely the sparks from the house.”

“My house?”

“Yes, m’lord. The candles caught the curtains on fire.”

“What? What candles?”

“Those would be the candles on the coffin, m’lord.”

“Coffin?”

“Yes, m’lord. Your father has passed away.”

“Anderson, that was so sudden. What was the cause.”

“It was a heart attack, m’lord. Due to the shock.”

“What shock, Anderson?”

“You see, m’lord, your wife ran off with the chauffeur.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

It’s a good thing that Americans are beginning to appreciate their agriculture industry. Farmers and ranchers provide enough food to provide for all American citizens, leaving a bountiful harvest left over for export. A group of people from the city came out into the country to see for themselves how this bounty is produced.

A farmer was giving a city slicker a tour of his business, and the man had a number of questions. “How much milk do you get from this cow?” he asked.

The farmer appreciated the visitor’s interest, and he was anxious to explain. “Cattle are raised for a variety of purposes. Some cattle are raised to produce milk, and some are raised only for their meat. But this one does not produce any milk, and the main reason is that this is a bull.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

These would be funny if they were not true.

A few of the reasons people shot people in May 2018

A family of four tried to pass me on the interstate, so I shot and killed the mom. (WI, 5/1)

I was fired from my job so I went back with a shotgun and shot five people. (TX, 5/9)

My brother wanted my cheeseburger, so I shot him dead. (FL, 5/5)

I tried to get some tacos from the taco truck, and some guy thought I cut in line in front of him, so I shot him. (TX, 5/10)

I was playing with my gun at home and unintentionally pulled the trigger. The bullet went through my hand, through a woman’s leg, through a wall, into a neighbor’s apartment, and into the body of a four-month-old baby who was nursing in its mother’s arms. (GA, 5/10)

1 liked to feed the squirrels in our neighborhood, but several of my neighbors didn’t like that. One of them argued with me about it, so I shot him in the buttocks and claimed self defense. (CO, 5/12)

My husband and I were having a fight, so we both grabbed our guns and shot each other. (VA, 5/13)

My three-year-old stepson was jumping on the bed and wouldn’t behave, so I shot him dead. (TX, 5/19)

My girlfriend was arguing with me about how to spend the money I inherited. She got mad and pulled a gun on me, so I took it away from her and shot her with it. (KY, (5/19)

Dad and I were arguing, so I shot him a few times and dropped the gun. He picked it up and shot me. (FL, 5/23)

My neighbor was mowing her lawn. I showed her where I thought the boundary was between our properties, but she disagreed, so I shot her. (WA, 5/28)

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Celebrating the wit of Rodney Dangerfield, 1921 – 2004

Try to stop smoking, that’s a beauty.We made a deal, my wife and I. We would only smoke after sex. I’ve been on the same pack since 1975. My wife is up to three packs a day.

My wife and I, we never have sex. We get undressed, we can’t stop laughing.

But I have to tell you, when my wife does have sex, she screams. Especially when I walk in on her.

I know my wife cheats on me. Whenever I come home the parrot says, “Quick, out the window.”

We have a dumb dog. We call him “Egypt.” Every room he leaves a pyramid.

My kid. I have a smart kid. I told him, “Someday you’ll have kids of your own.” He said, “You will, too.”

My daughter. She’s been picked up so many times she’s starting to grow handles. Here graduation book, her picture’s horizontal.

They call her Federal Express. When she goes to a guy’s apartment she absolutely, positively has to be delivered.

I talked to my doctor. I asked him if my heart was strong enough for sex. He told me not if I join in.

One girl told me, “Come on over. There’s nobody home.” I went over. There was nobody home.

Watch the video.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

On this particular night Willy had a few too many at the Royal Crown Pub, and he was trying to make it home on his own. He steered his car carefully down the narrow country lane, and was proud of himself keeping his car between the lines.

Suddenly he saw the headlights of a car approaching, and he realized he was in the wrong lane. Willy quickly changed lanes, but the other car did, as well. Quickly he switched lanes to avoid the other car, but it switched lanes also. Just as the two cars were about to collide the other suddenly veered off the road and plowed through a fence before stopping in a potato field.

Horrified, Willy stopped his car and lurched over to the car stalled in the potato patch. The other driver got out, and Willy saw that he was a priest.

“All you all right, father?” Willy asked.

The priest was brushing dust off his sleeve and he sought to reassure Willy. “I’m just fine, my son. I have The Lord riding with me.”

“Well,” Willy replied, “you better let him ride with me. The way you drive you’re liable to kill him.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So, my neighbor and his wife lived next door, and I got a phone call from him. “Jack, Sue and I are stuck in Cleveland until Thursday. Can you go over and feed the cat? The door key is under the fake rock.”

I told him no problem, and he cautioned me to not let the cat out. So I went over, found the key, and very cautiously opened the door. Like lightening the cat flew between my legs and out the door. Before I could even blink he ran across the yard and into the street. A car came by and hit the cat and kept on going.

I was in shock. What to do? I was desperate. Then I had an idea. I recovered the cat corpse and dumped it into my trash bin. Then I went to the animal shelter, hoping against hope to find a cat that looked like Tom’s. Luck was with me, and I paid their fee and took the cat home. I put out some food for the cat and left, locking the door behind me. Then I awaited my fate.

Friday came and I got a call from Tom. “Hey, Jack, I want to thank you for the favor. If there’s anything I can do, just let me know.”

“No problem. Say, how’s the cat?”

“Yeah, too bad about that. He had cancer, and I took him in this morning and had him put down.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So I was sitting here at my computer trying to think up a new Bad Joke of the Week. Then my phone rang. It’s the kind of thing that pisses me off, because people are not supposed to be calling me when I am trying to be creative. I looked at the display, and it wasn’t any number I recognized, but I answered it anyhow.

“Let me speak to Bill Sweeney, please.”

I needed to get back to work, so I was short. “Sorry, pal. You have the wrong number.”

I was trying to remember where I was at coming up with a new joke. Then the phone rang again.

“Bill Sweeney?”

“No, this isn’t Bill Sweeney. I don’t know anybody by that name.” Then I hung up.

Where was I? Then the phone rang again.

“Hi. Let me speak to Bill”

“Bill Sweeney does not live here. I don’t know anybody named Bill Sweeney.” I savagely punched the “on hook” button.

Things were starting to settle down. Then the phone rang again.

“Yes!” I practically shouted into the phone. “What do you want?”

“This is Bill Sweeney. Have there been any calls for me?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

The county coroner was conducting his introductory class of new doctors. “There are two lessons I want you to learn today,” he informed them. “The first is strict obedience to authority. You must do exactly what I tell you, or will flunk this class. Now do exactly as I do.”

There was a human corpse lying face down in the examining table. The instructor plunged his index finger into the anus of the dead person and withdrew it. “Do as I just did,” he commanded.

The six students grimaced, but they did as they were told. Then they looked at their instructor.

“Next, do what I am doing.” At that he stuck his index finger into his mouth and sucked on it.”

The students gasped, but they followed their instructor’s example.

“That done,” said the instructor, “the second lesson I want you to learn is attention to detail. How many of you noticed I have both a left hand and a right hand?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Once when I was traveling I had a stop-over in an Appalachian town. I was taking the train out, and I spent some time waiting on the platform, just looking around.

I struck up a conversation with a local gent, who was sitting on a bench whittling. We talked some time.

I noticed a cat lying about on the platform, and it was kid of odd. It had no tail. I motioned to the local, “Manx cat?”

“Nope,” said, continuing his whittling. “3:40 express.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A doctor in a small town was giving his patient some bad news. “I’m sorry, Mr. Henderson, but I have to tell you that you have diphtheria. You need immediate treatment.”

The patient replied, “Then I’m sorry, Dr. Smythe, but I’m going to get a second opinion.”

The doctor was shocked. “Mr. Henderson, why do you doubt my diagnosis?”

“Because, Dr. Smythe, last year Dr. Allison diagnosed Tom Jacobs with diphtheria, and he died of the flu.”

Dr. Smythe sought to calm his patient. “Mr. Henderson, I assure you that if I diagnose you of diphtheria, you will die of diphtheria.”