Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

In a prior century a weary traveler plodded through the night along a lonely English country road. Presently he came upon an inn, nestled amongst a stand of chestnut trees. The sign above the door read “St. George and the Dragon.” The traveler knew it was late, and the inn was surely closed, but he knocked at the door nonetheless.

Shortly a window above sprang open and the frizzled head of a surly matron thrust forth. Her voice enriched the night air. “What do you mean knocking me up at this ungodly hour, you scummy pig? Get thee to the farthest reached of Hell.” And the window shutters slammed shut.

The weary traveler was abject and crestfallen. Perplexed, he determined to persevere. Once again he knocked upon the inn’s door, and he stood back to observe the window above. Again it opened with a banging of shutters against the cold stones.

“So, you persist, Mr. shit head. What do you want?”

The traveler looked up at the awful face and he pleaded. “Please, madam, could I speak to St. George?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

For decades two heroic statues, one male, the other female, stood in the park, facing each other. One day there was a clap of thunder out of a clear sky, and an angel appeared. The angel announced, “You two have been such exemplary statues all these years, I’m going to grant you special powers. For 30 minutes you will come to life, and you will be able to do what you have wanted to do all this time.”

And it happened. The statues suddenly found themselves to be living people with all the pent up desires of real people. They eyed each other for a moment, and both exhibited devilish grins on their faces. They dashed off into the nearby woods together. For 15 minutes there came such sounds of raucous laughter, anybody nearby would have shocked.

When the two emerged the angel was still there. The angel reminded them, “There is still 15 minutes left. Do what you always wanted to do.”

The female statue looked at the other and said, “All right, this time you hold the pigeon down and I will shit on his head.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Smitty ran into his old friend Jacob and was amazed at the look of him. “What happened to your eye, dude?” He asks.

“Lisa Mae hit me,” Jacob replied.

“Why did she do that?” Smitty asked.

“Oh, I called her a two-bit whore, and she got mad,” Jacob responded.

Smitty emphasized. “That looks really bad. What did she hit you with?”

“A bag of quarters.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asks.

“I’m going to Las Vegas,” she responds. “There are women there who get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.”

The man starts packing his bags. She asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “I’m going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see somebody try to live on $800 a year.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man is walking along the beach, and he finds a strange bottle washed up. He thinks, “What can it hurt?” so he rubs the bottle.

A genie appears and intones, “I am authorized to offer you one wish. What will it be, master?”

The man tells the genie, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly. Build me a highway from California to Hawaii.”

The genie is appalled. “Do you realize the amount of raw materials that would require? You need to be more realistic.”

The man thinks and then decides. “OK, I’ve never been successful with girls. Could you make it so girls find me attractive?”

“Two lanes or four?” the genie responds.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Really bad

While shopping for vacation wear a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been ten years and at least twenty pounds since the woman had considered buying a bathing suit, so she asked her husband’s advice.

“Do you think I should get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “There’s no way you’re going to get it all in one.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man was in a terrific automobile accident, and he wakes up in a hospital bed. The doctor comes in to see him and exclaims, “Ah, I see you are awake. What can I do for you?”

The man replies, “Tell me, am I badly injured?”

The doctor calms the man down. You have a number of injuries from which you will soon recover. Unfortunately your penis was completely severed and destroyed in the fire from your accident. However, I do have some good news. We have developed new technology, and we can now generate a replacement penis. The bad news is the replacement costs $1000 per inch. The good news is you have been awarded $9000 damages by a court. So, you can spend the money as you see fit. Maybe you should discuss this with your wife. I see you have been married for over 30 years, and this may be something of great importance to the two of you.

So the doctor leaves, and later in the day he checks back with his patient. “Have you discussed the matter with your wife?” he asks.

“Yes, I have,” the man replies.

“What have you decided?” the doctor asks.

“We’re getting new marble counter tops.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A storekeeper on the main street in a small town came in one day and was dismayed to see another store had opened next door. They had a huge sign that said BEST DEALS.

The following day somebody else opened a store on the other side of his, and they had a big sign that read LOWEST PRICES.

Thinking quickly, he called a sign company and had them install a larger sign that said MAIN ENTRANCE.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Wife Makes A Big Sacrifice For Her Husband. What Keeps Her Motivated Is Hilarious!

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

While fishing off the coast of Key West in Florida a tourist capsized his boat. Although he was a good swimmer, he clung to his capsized boat rather than risk encountering an alligator closer to shore.

Presently a beachcomber came along and shouted out to him, asking if he needed any help. The tourist explained his situation. The beachcomber shouted out to him, “There aren’t any alligators in these waters.”

So the tourist let go of his boat and started swimming to shore. He paused half way and shouted to the beachcomber, “Are you sure there are no alligators, because I felt something brush my leg.”

The beachcomber shouted back, “There haven’t been any alligators her for years. The sharks got them all.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So, the woman goes to the psychiatrist. He asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s not me, Doctor,” she says. “It’s my husband.”

“What’s wrong with him,” the doctor asks.

“He’s become delusional,” the woman tells him.

“For example?” the doctor asks.

“Well, he thinks he’s a refrigerator.”

“That seems harmless enough. Can you live with that?”

“It’s no problem in the daytime, but at night when he’s sleeping his mouth drops open, and the light keeps me awake.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

The workaholic husband was trying to appease his wife, who was infuriated about how little time he spent at home.

“Nothing’s too good for you, Louise,” he begged. “How about a new Cuisinart?”

She shook her head.

“A mink? Floor length this time?”

Her pout deepened.

“A two-week Caribbean cruise?”

She shook her head more vehemently.

“A ski chalet? Or maybe a place on the beach?”

Still no.

“So, what do you want, Louise?” asked the frustrated husband.

“A divorce.”

“Gee, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” he admitted.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class: “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “Every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat, and off he goes, all day long.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses, quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck, and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down. It’s a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.

Thee he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and he whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along very well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.

“Well, I heard you you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.”

“Okay,” the man replies. “I’ll get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

“Who the heck are you?” the husband asks.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”

The husband exclaims, “But you’re naked.”

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

“Those little bastards!”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is dated, but a few years ago it was pertinent.

If you had purchased $1000 of Quantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 of AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 worth of Lehman brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But… If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling…

You would have received $214.00!

Based on the above, the best investment plan is to…

Drink heavily and recycle!

And, did you know…

A recent study found the average Australian walks 900 milesĀ  year.

Another study found that Australians drink, onĀ  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!

That means that on average, Australians get 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes you proud to be an Australian, doesn’t it?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Supposedly these are actual notes doctors have made on patients’ charts.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is fearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children and no other abnormalities.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A new monk arrives at a monastery, and his first assignment is to hand copy sacred texts. He gets to work at his task and soon notices something. He goes to the head monk to ask about it.

“I notice,” says the new monk, “we are copying copies, and then we are copying those copies.”

“So, what’s the problem?” asks the head monk.

“The problem is,” says the new monk, “that if a transcription error is made, then the error will get copied into all subsequent copies. What we should be doing is copying from the originals and not from copies.”

The head monk remarks that this is an important observation, and he vows to get the process started to copy from the originals. He takes his lamp and heads into the dark archives where the original copies are stored. After that nobody sees him for several hours.

The new monk takes a lamp and goes into the vast archive chamber to look for the head monk. He finds him, alone, at a table near the back wall, peering at an open manuscript. He is weeping inconsolably.

“Great father, what is the matter?” asks the new monk.

Tears running down his face, the head monk points to a line of ancient text. “It says ‘celebrate.'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Getting old is terrible. Each day brings another reality. I came back from my walk in the park, and when I took the elevator up to my apartment I noticed the door was open. I went in, and there stood Margaret. Two suitcases were on the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m leaving you.”

“Any explanation?”

“You are deadly dull, and I regret I wasted so much of my life with you. I’ve found somebody else. Goodbye. I won’t be coming back.”

And she left with her suitcases, closing the door behind her. I stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. It wasn’t time for dinner, so I picked up the newspaper and sat down to read. The door opened and Benson walked in.

“Chambers,” he said. “You’ve done it again.”

“Done what?”

“Look at this.” The door was still open, and he showed it to me. “See, number? 105.”

“So?”

“You’re number 104. You’ve come to the wrong apartment again.”

“You’re right. So I have.” I got up to leave.”

“Oh, Chambers, that’s my paper,” he said.”

“Oh, yes. Sorry.” I handed him the paper and started out the door.

I was about to leave when I thought of something. “Oh, Benson.”

“What is it?”

“You’re wife’s left you.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

So, this was a long time ago, and I met this women, and I went over to her apartment with the idea of taking her out to dinner. When I got there she was not quite ready to go, so I sat on the couch in the living room of her apartment.

She had this little dog there, and he wanted to play. I threw his ball across the room, and he would fetch it and bring it back to me. I did that a couple of times, and the ball bounced out the window. The little dog went right after it, five stories up.

I was sitting there, wondering how to break it to the woman, when she came out and said, “Let’s go.” She didn’t notice the dog was missing.

So, as we were getting in my car to go, I thought a bit, and I turned to her. I said, “I couldn’t help but notice that your little dog seemed very depressed.”