Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. Instantly a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your boss.

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money,” he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account, and 44 million dollars appeared in  his boss’s account

For his second wish the man asked for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini and a Ferrari appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside his boss’s house.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish. You should choose carefully.” To this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

“Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The college professor had just finished explaining an important research project to his class. He emphasized that this paper was an absolute requirement for passing his class, and that there would be only two acceptable excuses for being late. Those were a medically certifiable illness or a death in the student’s immediate family.

A smart ass student in the back of the classroom waved his hand and spoke up. “But what about extreme sexual exhaustion, professor?”

As you would expect, the class exploded in laughter. When the students had finally settled down, the professor froze the young man with a glaring look.

“Well,” he responded, “I guess you’ll just to have to learn to write with your other hand.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Suzie was all alone. It was two months since her dear Herbie had passed away, and she just couldn’t seem to move on.

“Listen here, Suzie,” said her good friend Barbara, “maybe you should go see a psychic. One of my friends did it after her husband died, and it made her feel so much better knowing that her dearest was happy.”

So that’s how, on the next Tuesday, Suzie found herself in a dim room with a crystal ball and a psychic talking in a calm voice.

“Is he here?” Suzie asked.

“Yes, I sense him,” was the reply.

“Can you ask him if he’s happy?” Suzie constantly asked.”

“He’s putting his hand to his mouth like he wants to smoke,” said the psychic.

“Oh, of course,” said Suzie, “he needs a cigar. Herbie can never last more than a few hours without a cigar. I guess they don’t have cigars up there. Did he say where he is or how I could get one for him?” questioned Suzie urgently.

“Hmm,” said the psychic. “I can’t seem to get that question across to him. But then again,” said the psychic after a brief pause, “he didn’t say anything about needing a lighter.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried to Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken  Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to  tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was driving along near a campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Hillary’ hat and a ‘Save
the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,
thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear’s grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. “I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed.
“I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that guy?
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don’t know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Four expectant fathers were in  a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse tells the first man, “You’re the father of twins.”

He responds, “What a coincidence, I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

She tells the second man, “You’re the father of triplets.”

The second man responds, “Wow! What a coincidence. I work for 3M Company.”

She tells the third man, “You’re the father of quadruplets.”

The second man is overwhelmed. He exclaims, “Amazing! I work for Four Seasons Hotel.”

The fourth man faints dead away. When he comes to they ask him what’s wrong.

“I work for 7-11,” he moans.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Twelve actual pregnancy questions people asked.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35.
A: No, 35 are enough

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Because you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from  childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

 

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A very sad day today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, “Tomorrow morning I expect to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to  200 in six seconds flat. And it had better be there!!!”

The next morning Bob’s wife woke up and looked out her bedroom window. There in the driveway was a box, gift wrapped.

She ran outside, picked up the box, and unwrapped it. Inside was a new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. Bob’s wife denies everything.