Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A very sad day today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, “Tomorrow morning I expect to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to  200 in six seconds flat. And it had better be there!!!”

The next morning Bob’s wife woke up and looked out her bedroom window. There in the driveway was a box, gift wrapped.

She ran outside, picked up the box, and unwrapped it. Inside was a new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. Bob’s wife denies everything.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Coffee (n.), the person upon  whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  12. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
  13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
  14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): the belief that when you die your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Yes, we do. Please come back

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones that stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”

The second guy says: “Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multi-millionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: “What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Oh, yes. In Jesus’ name, please come back.

Things Not To Say During Sex

  • I have to poop.
  • Smile for the Camera!
  • Get off me, I’ll do it myself.
  • This is your first time… right?
  • You’re almost as good as my ex.
  • When is this supposed to feel good?
  • I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs.
  • I was so horny tonight, I would have taken a sheep home.
  • Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
  • Hey! My friends are right. You are good.
  • On second thought, let’s turn the lights off.
  • I’m sobering up and you’re getting ugly.
  • But everybody looks funny naked.
  • Do I have to pay for this?
  • What’s your name again?
  • Hold on, let me change the channel.
  • It’s nice being in bed with someone I don’t have to inflate.
  • Uhhh… I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Oh, yes, Mother of Jesus, please come back.

I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he’s 76). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors—blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking, and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response—I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Not yet

 

A store that sells new husbands has opened in Melbourne , where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 – These men Have Jobs

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 – These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

“That”s nice,” she thinks, “but I want more.”

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

“Wow,” she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

“Oh, mercy me!” she exclaims, “I can hardly stand it!”

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store”s owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Not yet

Interesting quotes, supposedly by Steven Wright:

1 – I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.
2 – Borrow money from pessimists — they don’t expect it back.
3 – Half the people you know are below average.
4 – 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.7% of all statistics are made up on the spot.
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
7 – A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 – If you want the rainbow, you got to put up with the rain.
9 – All those who believe in psycho kinesis, raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend, ….. But she left me before we met.
12 – OK, so what’s the speed of dark?
13 – How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
14 – If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 – When everything is coming your way, you’re in the wrong lane.
17 – Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 – Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 – I intend to live forever … So far, so good.
20 – If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 – What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 – My mechanic told me, “I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
24 – Why do psychics have to ask you for your name
25 – If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 – A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 – Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
28 – The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 – To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 – The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 – The sooner you fall behind, the more time you’ll have to catch up.
32 – The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have film.
34 – If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
35 – If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Not yet

A woman was expecting the plumber, he was supposed to come at ten o’clock. Ten o’clock came and went, no plumber. Twelve o’clock, one o’clock, no plumber.

She concluded he wasn’t coming and went out to do some errands. While she was out the plumber arrived.

He knocked o the door. The woman’s parrot, who as at home in a cage by the door, said, “Who is it?”

He replied, “It’s the plumber.”

He thought it was the woman speaking and waited for her to come and let him in. When this didn’t happen he knocked again. Again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He said, “It’s the plumber!”

He waited, and again the woman didn’t come to let him in. He knocked again, and again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

He yelled, “It’s the plumber!!!”

Again he waited, again she didn’t come. Again he knocked, again the parrot said, “Who is it?”

The plumber flew into a rage, he pushed the door in and ripped it off its hinges. He suffered a heart attack, and he fell dead in the doorway.

The woman returned from her errands, only to see the door ripped off its hinges and a corpse lying in the doorway. “A dead body!” she exclaimed. “Who is it?”

The parrot said, “It’s the plumber.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Not yet

A magician was working a cruise ship.

Since the audience was different each week, the magician did the same tricks over and over again. There was only one problem. The captain’s parrot saw the shows each week and began to understand how the magician did every trick.

Once he understood, he started shouting in the middle of the show, “Look, it’s not the same hat!” or, “Look, he’s hiding the flowers under the table!” Or, “Hey, why are all the cards the ace of spades?”

The magician was furious but couldn’t do anything. It was the Captain’s parrot. Then one stormy night in the Pacific, the ship took water and sank. The magician luckily found himself on a piece of wood floating in the middle of the sea, as fate would have it… with the parrot.

They stared at each other with hatred but did not utter a word.

This went on for a day… And then two days. Then three days. Finally on the fourth day, the parrot could not hold back any longer and said…

“Okay, I give up. What did you do with the ship?”