A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ‘Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I didn’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I don’t want to seem rude, but you have a great pair of legs.”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a bit higher you would have noticed I have a great pair of balls, as well. I don’t want to go to Iraq, either.”
So I was returning to my car after a few rounds with some friends, when I saw this man. He was sitting on the curb, his feet out in the street. And he was crying.
This looked so pitiful, I went over to investigate. I asked, “What’s the problem, old fellow?”
“My wife is gone,” he sobbed.
This was distressful news. So I asked, “Did she die?”
“No, he sobbed.”
“Did she leave you?”
I was puzzled. “Then what happened to your wife?”
He stopped sobbing long enough to look up. “I traded her for a bottle of whiskey.”
That was shocking. “So, you traded her for a bottle of whiskey?”
“And now you want her back.”
“Because you realize you love her, and you miss her.”
“No? Then why do you want her back.”
“Because I’m thirsty again.”
A man walks into bar and takes a seat. Then he pulls a tiny piano out of his pocket and places it on the bar. Next he pulls out a tiny man, who sits himself at the piano and begins to play.
The bartender is astounded. “Where did you get that?” he asks.
The man pulls an old whiskey bottle out of his pocket and places it on the bar. “I found this magic bottle,” he says. “It will grant you any wish you ask for.”
“No!” exclaims the bartender. “Can’t be.”
“Try it,” the man responds.
So the bartender picks up the bottle and thinks for a moment. Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. There are ducks on all the tables and hopping on the bar. There must be a million ducks.
“What’s all this?” the bartender screams. “I didn’t wish for a million ducks.”
The man sits silently. “You think I wished for a 10-inch pianist?”
A man and wife stand in front of a judge. They are getting a divorce, and they each want custody of the child.
The wife argues, “I am the mother. The child belongs to me.”
The judge looks at the man and raises his eyebrows.
The man thinks for a while and then says, “I put a buck fifty in the soda machine. Do you think the soda machine gets the can of soda?”
Two hunters are preparing for an outing, and they both take a course on hunting safety. There is an examination at the end, and both do well.
Comes the second day of their hunting expedition, and they figure they are hopeless lost in the woods. They think back to the safety course they took.
“It says we should shoot three times into the air and wait for somebody to come find us. They do that, and they wait.
They figure they need to repeat the process, and they do. Then they wait.
By now it’s dark, and they are faced with the prospect of spending the night lost in the woods.
“What do you think we should do?” one asks.
The other responds, “Let’s give it one more try before we give up.”
The other hunter has some bad news. “But we only have two arrows left.”
A vampire bat returned to the bat colony after a night of feasting. The other bats noticed his face was covered in blood. He had obviously been fortunate in finding an abundant source. They beseeched him to disclose his find. He refused and hung silently from his perch.
The other bats harangued him ceaselessly until he finally relented. “Follow me,” he told them, and he flew off. He finally came to rest in a peach orchard overlooking a farm house.
“You see that house over there?” he asked.
They all said they did.
“You see that large oak in front of the house?”
The all agreed. They saw it.
“Well, I didn’t,” he told them.
A Jew was riding on the train, and he was reading an Arab newspaper. His friend asked him what was up. Why was he reading an Arab newspaper.
“It’s this way,” the friend responded. “I read The Times of Israel, and all I see is Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked. It’s depressing.”
“So?” the other man inquired. “What’s with the Arab paper?”
“I read the Arab news,” the Jew responds. “Jews control the news. Jews are behind the global economy. Jews are a global menace. It’s much more uplifting.”
A doctor finished examining a patient, and he came to troubling conclusion. He told the man to wait outside, and he called the man’s wife in for a talk.
“Ms. Thompson, your husband’s situation is critical. You are going to need to take care of him, else he will die. He needs bed rest. He needs to quit his job, and he shouldn’t be doing any work around the house. Serve him all his meals in bed. I hope you understand.”
The wife told the doctor she understood, and she left with her husband to go home. In the car the husband asked if the doctor had given him any information he should know.
“He did, my dear,” the wife responded. “He says you’re going to die.”
A blonde was suffering severe pain, and she went to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” she told him. “It hurts everywhere.”
The Doctor asked her to show him where it hurt. “Touch the place where it hurts.”
She touched her elbow. “Ouch! That hurts.”
She touched her thigh. “Ouch! That hurts.”
She touched her nose. “Ouch! That hurts.”
“Stop,” Said the doctor. “I see what the problem is. Your index finger is broken.”
Bob was in a terrible automobile accident, and he suffered severe burns to his face. The doctors told him he would need a skin graft.
Happily, they determined his wife’s skin was a perfect match for the graft, and they took a large patch of skin from her buttocks region and grafted it onto Bob’s face. The operation was a complete success, and Bob came out looking as handsome as ever. He was ever grateful to his wife for her contribution.
“My dear,” Bob told her. “How can I ever thank you?”
She gave him a sweet smile and replied, “No need to thank me, Bob. I will get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek.”