Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is dated, but a few years ago it was pertinent.

If you had purchased $1000 of Quantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 of AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 worth of Lehman brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But… If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling…

You would have received $214.00!

Based on the above, the best investment plan is to…

Drink heavily and recycle!

And, did you know…

A recent study found the average Australian walks 900 miles  year.

Another study found that Australians drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!

That means that on average, Australians get 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes you proud to be an Australian, doesn’t it?

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Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Supposedly these are actual notes doctors have made on patients’ charts.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is fearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children and no other abnormalities.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A new monk arrives at a monastery, and his first assignment is to hand copy sacred texts. He gets to work at his task and soon notices something. He goes to the head monk to ask about it.

“I notice,” says the new monk, “we are copying copies, and then we are copying those copies.”

“So, what’s the problem?” asks the head monk.

“The problem is,” says the new monk, “that if a transcription error is made, then the error will get copied into all subsequent copies. What we should be doing is copying from the originals and not from copies.”

The head monk remarks that this is an important observation, and he vows to get the process started to copy from the originals. He takes his lamp and heads into the dark archives where the original copies are stored. After that nobody sees him for several hours.

The new monk takes a lamp and goes into the vast archive chamber to look for the head monk. He finds him, alone, at a table near the back wall, peering at an open manuscript. He is weeping inconsolably.

“Great father, what is the matter?” asks the new monk.

Tears running down his face, the head monk points to a line of ancient text. “It says ‘celebrate.'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Getting old is terrible. Each day brings another reality. I came back from my walk in the park, and when I took the elevator up to my apartment I noticed the door was open. I went in, and there stood Margaret. Two suitcases were on the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m leaving you.”

“Any explanation?”

“You are deadly dull, and I regret I wasted so much of my life with you. I’ve found somebody else. Goodbye. I won’t be coming back.”

And she left with her suitcases, closing the door behind her. I stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. It wasn’t time for dinner, so I picked up the newspaper and sat down to read. The door opened and Benson walked in.

“Chambers,” he said. “You’ve done it again.”

“Done what?”

“Look at this.” The door was still open, and he showed it to me. “See, number? 105.”

“So?”

“You’re number 104. You’ve come to the wrong apartment again.”

“You’re right. So I have.” I got up to leave.”

“Oh, Chambers, that’s my paper,” he said.”

“Oh, yes. Sorry.” I handed him the paper and started out the door.

I was about to leave when I thought of something. “Oh, Benson.”

“What is it?”

“You’re wife’s left you.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

So, this was a long time ago, and I met this women, and I went over to her apartment with the idea of taking her out to dinner. When I got there she was not quite ready to go, so I sat on the couch in the living room of her apartment.

She had this little dog there, and he wanted to play. I threw his ball across the room, and he would fetch it and bring it back to me. I did that a couple of times, and the ball bounced out the window. The little dog went right after it, five stories up.

I was sitting there, wondering how to break it to the woman, when she came out and said, “Let’s go.” She didn’t notice the dog was missing.

So, as we were getting in my car to go, I thought a bit, and I turned to her. I said, “I couldn’t help but notice that your little dog seemed very depressed.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Sam was the owner of a world-wide chain of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter became engaged to a very religious young man, Sam called the prospective groom into his office for a chat.

“Tell me,” Sam asked the fiancée, “what are your plans for the future?”

“I plan on spending the remainder of my life studying the holy works,” the man replied.

“And, given this, how do you expect to support my daughter?” Sam continued.

“I am sure the Lord will provide,” was the answer.

“And what about your children? How do you expect to support them?” Sam persisted.

“The Lord will provide,” was the answer.

After the interview Sam met with his wife. “What do you think of your future son-in-law?” she asked.

“He’s just great,” responded Sam. I only met him, and already he thinks I’m the Lord.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

There was this guy at a bar. Just sitting there, staring at his drink. He’s been sitting there a half hour.

Then a big trucker, a trouble maker, comes over. He sits down next to the man, picks up the man’s drink, and downs it with one gulp.

The man starts crying. The trouble maker say, “Come on, twerp. I was just joking. I’ll buy you another drink. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

The man tells his story. “It’s the worst day of my life. I oversleep and get into work late. The boss fires me.When I get out to where I parked my car, it’s been stolen. The police tell me there’s nothing they can do right now, so I take a cab home. When I get out I realize I left my wallet in the cab as it drives away. When I go inside I discover my wife in bed with the gardener.”

“That’s bad says the trucker.”

“So I decide to end my life, and I come here to this bar. That doesn’t work out either. You come up and drink my poison.”

 

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

The original Hollywood Squares debuted in 1966 and featured a panel of stars in a larger-than-life tic-tac-toe game. Rose Marie was one of the longest comedians on the show and appeared in the first and last network episodes.

Rose Marie, like most of the panelists, adopted her own unique schtick when answering questions. She played a love-lorn personality similar to her husband-hunting character Sally Rogers from The Dick Van Dyke Show.

While some of the panelists received behind-the-scenes help, Rose Marie wasn’t given the show’s questions in advance so her punchlines were made up on the spot. Here are some laugh-worthy zingers that Rose Marie delivered.

Question: According to Dear Abby, is there a law that can force a man to marry a woman?

Rose Marie: Yes, and I think it’s called a mother-in-law.

Question: Which is the most valuable gem now on the market?
Rose Marie: Men.

Question: Does your face look more wrinkled when you get up in the morning or go to bed at night?
Rose Marie: I imagine it’d be more wrinkled at night. It’s been out longer.

Question: According to beauty experts, put some egg white on your face, leave it on for two minutes, and then rinse with cool water. If you’ve been successful, what’s gone?
Rose Marie: The egg white.

Question: Can a mink coat be considered a necessity in real life?

Rose Marie: Yeah, I think it is to another mink.

Question: According to Billy Graham, there is only thing that can satisfy your deepest longings?
Rose Marie: Do you want names?

Question: Can intense pleasure bring on a heart attack?
Rose Marie: How would I know?

Question: What is “John Brown’s Body?”
Rose Marie: I found it to be very warm and wonderful.

Question: According to a nationwide poll, whom do more Americans say they trust more – garbage collectors or doctors?

Rose Marie: How can you put those two together? I guess because they both remove things.

Question: The great sphinx of Egypt has a human’s head and who’s body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle’s.

Question: True or False. It is now possible to hire a wife for 500 dollars a month.
Rose Marie: I’ll take 450 and bus fare.

Question: What is the scientific term for the study of man?
Rose Marie: Cruising the boulevard.

Question: According to the National Safety Council, if your clothes catch on fire, will running help?

Rose Marie: No, but it’s great for the legs.

Question: Ann Landers advises that when someone phones you and says “I called you last night, and you weren’t home. Where were you,” you should reply by saying what?
Rose Marie: Peter [Marshall], if you called I was home.

Question: According to Vogue, what flower has traditionally represented innocence and purity?
Rose Marie: Well, it’s not the rose.
Peter Marshall: Not the Rose we know anyway.

Question: A famous television personality has written a novel titled Everything a Man Could Want. Who wrote it?
Rose Marie: I did. It’s my autobiography. And it’s not selling, Peter.

Question: How far does a horse run in a Kentucky Derby?
Rose Marie: As long as he can go.

Question: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Question: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Question: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Question: The Bible states that “your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see…” what?
Rose Marie: See me after the show.

Question: Dear Abby says that there is only one reason people lie. What reason is that?
Rose Marie: They want to get re-elected.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Sam died, and in his will he left $50,000 for his funeral. His friend bill came to the funeral, and he remarked to Sam’s widow how nice the flowers were. She told him about Sam’s will.

Bill looked around, and he appreciated what a nice funeral it was, but he could not see $50,000 worth. He asked the widow about it.

She explained the flowers were $5000, the casket was $7500, and the catering bill for the wake came to $8500. “What went for the remaining $40,000?” Bill asked.

She replied, “I spent the rest on memorial stone.”

“Bill was impressed. “That must be some stone. Just how big is it?”

“About 7.5 carats.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Comical song titles, inspired by a lunch conversation earlier this week

You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Thank God And Greyhound (She’s Gone)

If You Don’t Believe I Love You, Just Ask My Wife

You Take the Medicine (I’ll Take the Nurse)

I Wouldn’t Take Her to a Dog Fight (she might win)

Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over

I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart

All I Want From You (Is Away)

You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too

If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

Drop Kick Me, Jesus (Through the Goal Post of Life)

Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued

If My Nose Was Running Money (I’d Blow It All On You)

I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in Bed While I Cry Over You

How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Loved You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life

I’d Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me (Than a Frontal Lobotomy)

I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen’s (I Cried All the Way to Sears)

I have more of these, and I am going to post them unless Michael Cohen brings me a check for $130,000.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is an old one. I’m thinking I first heard it from high school, certainly from my time in the Navy. Could have been first published in Boys Life magazine.

Asked if a year in college had made a difference in his son, the farmer replied, “Well, he still good at plowing, but now instead of saying, “Whoa, Becky! Haw and git up!’ now he says, ‘Halt, Rebecca! Pivot and proceed!'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, are badly misbehaving, and their parents send them to a religious reform school.

Almost immediately Timmy gets into trouble and is sent to the principal’s office.

The principal is a large man, and he looms over little Timmy. In a booming voice he demands, “Do you know where God is?” Timmy’s eyes grow large, but he doesn’t say a word.

The principal shouts even louder, “Do you know where God it?” Timmy runs from the room screaming.

Tommy finds his brother huddled in a corner and crying. He asks,”What’s wrong?”

Timmy responds, “They don’t know where God is, and they think I took him.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Alton Dennison had been a practicing psychiatrist for 38 years, but he had never heard a case like this one. A man and a wife came in together.

“Are you two having a problem?” he asked them?

The wife spoke. “It’s not us, Doctor. It’s our son, Dennis.”

“Well, I would like to hear about his condition. Tell me what you can.”

“He thinks he’s a chicken.”

“A chicken?”

“Yes, a chicken.”

“He told you he’s a chicken?”

“No.”

“Then what gives you the impression he thinks he’s a chicken?”

“It’s what he does, Doctor. He won’t go to school. All he wants to do is stay home all day.”

“Anything else? Maybe something more pertinent.”

“Well, when we open the door he runs outside. Then he struts around the yard, and he pretends to peck at the ground. He even makes this cackling noise.”

“Yes, this does sound serious. You should bring him in as soon as possible. How long has this been going on?”

“Two years.”

“Two years! Good Lord. How come you didn’t come see me earlier.”

“It’s like this. We needed the eggs.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Reflecting on some music from my youth

I had a conversation with the school counselor.

“These thoughts?” he asked.

“Yeah. I have this music that keeps running through my head.”

“Hum a few bars.”

I did.

“I recognize that,” he said. You are experiencing the Tom Jones syndrome.”

“Is there a lot of that going around?”

“Well, it’s not unusual.”

————

I met this girl. She said she was a great fan of The Monkees.

At first I didn’t believe her.

Then I saw her face.

————

I was always thinking that during all that time out on the desert he should have been able to name the horse.

————

Yeah, Dude. I feel pretty sure that everybody has seen the rain.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Why old men don’t get hired

Job1 Interview:

HR Officer: What is your greatest weakness?

Old Man: Honesty.

HR Officer: I don’t think that honesty is a weakness.

Old Man: I really don’t give a shit what you think.

Job2 Interview:

HR Officer: Why do you want to work here?

Old Man: I don’t. I just need the money.

Job3 Interview:

HR Officer: Why did you leave your last position?

Old Man: Because they asked too many stupid questions.

Job4 Interview: 

HR Officer: Where do you see yourself in five years?

Old Man: At home drawing a nice work-related injury pension.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A math professor named John is having trouble with his sink, so he calls in a plumber. The plumber comes over and makes the repairs in short order, and John is happy, except for the bill. He tells the plumber, “You worked for an hour and charged me what I make in a day.”

So the plumber tells John that he might want to become a plumber and make more money. He warns, however, “Tell them you only made it through the sixth grade. They don’t like educated people in the profession.”

So John takes training and becomes a plumber and is making loads of money working for a service company. Then there is an announcement. The company wants all its plumbers to obtain at least a seventh grade education, and they are going to need to go to night school.

So John, figuring this is going to be a cinch, begins classes with his co-workers, starting with seventh grade math. The first night the teacher calls on John. “What’s the formula for the area of a circle. Come to  the board and write it.”

John has a mental block and can’t recall  the formula. He has an inspiration. He will derive it. So he begins to struggle to derive the formula, and his scratchings extend across the board. Hearing whispering from the class, John turns and listens. Several of his classmates are staring hopefully at him. One of them whispers, “Switch the limits of the integral.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

The children were lined up in the cafeteria at a Catholic elementary school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large bin of apples. There was a sign that said, “Take only one. God is watching.”

Further along the table was a large tray of chocolate chip cookies. One kid turned to the one behind him and whispered, “Take all you want. God is watching the apples.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Humorous Office Advice

Having trouble warning someone when his fly is open? Try one of these subtle reminders:

  • The cucumber has left the salad.
  • You’ve got Windows on your laptop.
  • You need to bring your tray table to the upright and locked position.
  • Close the pod bay door, HAL.
  • The Buick is not all the way in the garage.
  • Sailor Ned is trying to take a little shore leave.
  • You have a security breach at Los Pantalones.
  • Mini Me is making a break for the escape pod.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A woman rushes to her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up. My skin was all wrinkled and pasty. My eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What’s wrong with me, Doctor?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes and then calmly says, “Well, I can tell you there is nothing wrong with your eyesight.”