Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A storekeeper on the main street in a small town came in one day and was dismayed to see another store had opened next door. They had a huge sign that said BEST DEALS.

The following day somebody else opened a store on the other side of his, and they had a big sign that read LOWEST PRICES.

Thinking quickly, he called a sign company and had them install a larger sign that said MAIN ENTRANCE.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Wife Makes A Big Sacrifice For Her Husband.
What Keeps Her Motivated Is Hilarious!

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned.
The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was
so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the
best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed
Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire
family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they
assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to
cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your
sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need
comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

While fishing off the coast of Key West in Florida a tourist capsized his boat. Although he was a good swimmer, he clung to his capsized boat rather than risk encountering an alligator closer to shore.

Presently a beachcomber came along and shouted out to him, asking if he needed any help. The tourist explained his situation. The beachcomber shouted out to him, “There aren’t any alligators in these waters.”

So the tourist let go of his boat and started swimming to shore. He paused half way and shouted to the beachcomber, “Are you sure there are no alligators, because I felt something brush my leg.”

The beachcomber shouted back, “There haven’t been any alligators her for years. The sharks got them all.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So, the woman goes to the psychiatrist. He asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s not me, Doctor,” she says. “It’s my husband.”

“What’s wrong with him,” the doctor asks.

“He’s become delusional,” the woman tells him.

“For example?” the doctor asks.

“Well, he thinks he’s a refrigerator.”

“That seems harmless enough. Can you live with that?”

“It’s no problem in the daytime, but at night when he’s sleeping his mouth drops open, and the light keeps me awake.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

The workaholic husband was trying to appease his wife, who was infuriated about how little time he spent at home.

“Nothing’s too good for you, Louise,” he begged. “How about a new Cuisinart?”

She shook her head.

“A mink? Floor length this time?”

Her pout deepened.

“A two-week Caribbean cruise?”

She shook her head more vehemently.

“A ski chalet? Or maybe a place on the beach?”

Still no.

“So, what do you want, Louise?” asked the frustrated husband.

“A divorce.”

“Gee, I wasn’t planning to spend that much,” he admitted.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A Sunday school teacher is concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus, so he asks his class: “Where is Jesus today?”

Steven raises his hand and says, “He’s in Heaven.”

Mary answers, “He’s in my heart.”

Little Johnny waves his hand furiously and blurts out, “He’s in our bathroom!”

The surprised teacher asks Little Johnny how he knows this.

“Well,” Little Johnny says, “Every morning my father gets up, bangs on the bathroom door and yells, “Jesus Christ, are you still in there?!”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A guy goes fishing every Saturday morning. He gets up early and eager, makes his lunch, hooks up his boat, and off he goes, all day long.

One Saturday morning he gets up early, dresses, quietly, gets his lunch made, puts on his long johns, grabs the dog, and goes to the garage to hook up his boat to the truck, and down the driveway he goes.

As he is coming out of his garage rain is pouring down. It’s a torrential downpour. There is snow mixed in with the rain, and the wind is blowing 50 mph.

Minutes later he returns to the garage. He comes back into the house and turns the TV to the weather channel. He finds it’s going to be bad weather all day long, so he puts his boat back in the garage, quietly undresses, and slips back into bed.

Thee he cuddles up to his wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and he whispers, “The weather out there is terrible.”

To which she sleepily replies, “Yeah, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that shit?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along very well. They decide to go back to the woman’s house where they engage in passionate love making.

The woman suddenly cocks her ear and says, “Quick, my husband just got home. Go hide in the bathroom!” So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. “Why are you naked?” he asks.

“Well, I heard you you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready for you.”

“Okay,” the man replies. “I’ll get ready.”

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

“Who the heck are you?” the husband asks.

“I’m from the exterminator company. Your wife called me to get rid of the moths you are having problems with.”

The husband exclaims, “But you’re naked.”

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

“Those little bastards!”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is dated, but a few years ago it was pertinent.

If you had purchased $1000 of Quantas shares one year ago, you would have $49.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 of AIG shares one year ago, you would have $33.00 today.

If you purchased $1000 worth of Lehman brothers shares one year ago, you would have $0.00 today.

But… If you purchased $1000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then returned the aluminum cans for recycling…

You would have received $214.00!

Based on the above, the best investment plan is to…

Drink heavily and recycle!

And, did you know…

A recent study found the average Australian walks 900 miles  year.

Another study found that Australians drink, on  average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year!

That means that on average, Australians get 41 miles to the gallon.

Makes you proud to be an Australian, doesn’t it?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Supposedly these are actual notes doctors have made on patients’ charts.

Patient has chest pains if she lies on her left side for over a year.

On the 2nd day the knee was better, and on the 3rd day it disappeared completely.

She has had no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.

The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1993.

The patient is fearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.

Discharge status: Alive but without permission.

The patient refused an autopsy.

The patient has no past history of suicides.

Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.

She is numb from her toes down.

While in the ER, she was examined, X-rated, and sent home.

She stated she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.

The pelvic examination will be done later on the floor.

Patient has two teenage children and no other abnormalities.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A new monk arrives at a monastery, and his first assignment is to hand copy sacred texts. He gets to work at his task and soon notices something. He goes to the head monk to ask about it.

“I notice,” says the new monk, “we are copying copies, and then we are copying those copies.”

“So, what’s the problem?” asks the head monk.

“The problem is,” says the new monk, “that if a transcription error is made, then the error will get copied into all subsequent copies. What we should be doing is copying from the originals and not from copies.”

The head monk remarks that this is an important observation, and he vows to get the process started to copy from the originals. He takes his lamp and heads into the dark archives where the original copies are stored. After that nobody sees him for several hours.

The new monk takes a lamp and goes into the vast archive chamber to look for the head monk. He finds him, alone, at a table near the back wall, peering at an open manuscript. He is weeping inconsolably.

“Great father, what is the matter?” asks the new monk.

Tears running down his face, the head monk points to a line of ancient text. “It says ‘celebrate.'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Getting old is terrible. Each day brings another reality. I came back from my walk in the park, and when I took the elevator up to my apartment I noticed the door was open. I went in, and there stood Margaret. Two suitcases were on the floor.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“I’m leaving you.”

“Any explanation?”

“You are deadly dull, and I regret I wasted so much of my life with you. I’ve found somebody else. Goodbye. I won’t be coming back.”

And she left with her suitcases, closing the door behind her. I stood there for a moment, wondering what to do next. It wasn’t time for dinner, so I picked up the newspaper and sat down to read. The door opened and Benson walked in.

“Chambers,” he said. “You’ve done it again.”

“Done what?”

“Look at this.” The door was still open, and he showed it to me. “See, number? 105.”

“So?”

“You’re number 104. You’ve come to the wrong apartment again.”

“You’re right. So I have.” I got up to leave.”

“Oh, Chambers, that’s my paper,” he said.”

“Oh, yes. Sorry.” I handed him the paper and started out the door.

I was about to leave when I thought of something. “Oh, Benson.”

“What is it?”

“You’re wife’s left you.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

So, this was a long time ago, and I met this women, and I went over to her apartment with the idea of taking her out to dinner. When I got there she was not quite ready to go, so I sat on the couch in the living room of her apartment.

She had this little dog there, and he wanted to play. I threw his ball across the room, and he would fetch it and bring it back to me. I did that a couple of times, and the ball bounced out the window. The little dog went right after it, five stories up.

I was sitting there, wondering how to break it to the woman, when she came out and said, “Let’s go.” She didn’t notice the dog was missing.

So, as we were getting in my car to go, I thought a bit, and I turned to her. I said, “I couldn’t help but notice that your little dog seemed very depressed.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Sam was the owner of a world-wide chain of stores and a multi-millionaire. When his daughter became engaged to a very religious young man, Sam called the prospective groom into his office for a chat.

“Tell me,” Sam asked the fiancée, “what are your plans for the future?”

“I plan on spending the remainder of my life studying the holy works,” the man replied.

“And, given this, how do you expect to support my daughter?” Sam continued.

“I am sure the Lord will provide,” was the answer.

“And what about your children? How do you expect to support them?” Sam persisted.

“The Lord will provide,” was the answer.

After the interview Sam met with his wife. “What do you think of your future son-in-law?” she asked.

“He’s just great,” responded Sam. I only met him, and already he thinks I’m the Lord.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

There was this guy at a bar. Just sitting there, staring at his drink. He’s been sitting there a half hour.

Then a big trucker, a trouble maker, comes over. He sits down next to the man, picks up the man’s drink, and downs it with one gulp.

The man starts crying. The trouble maker say, “Come on, twerp. I was just joking. I’ll buy you another drink. Tell me what’s bothering you.”

The man tells his story. “It’s the worst day of my life. I oversleep and get into work late. The boss fires me.When I get out to where I parked my car, it’s been stolen. The police tell me there’s nothing they can do right now, so I take a cab home. When I get out I realize I left my wallet in the cab as it drives away. When I go inside I discover my wife in bed with the gardener.”

“That’s bad says the trucker.”

“So I decide to end my life, and I come here to this bar. That doesn’t work out either. You come up and drink my poison.”

 

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

The original Hollywood Squares debuted in 1966 and featured a panel of stars in a larger-than-life tic-tac-toe game. Rose Marie was one of the longest comedians on the show and appeared in the first and last network episodes.

Rose Marie, like most of the panelists, adopted her own unique schtick when answering questions. She played a love-lorn personality similar to her husband-hunting character Sally Rogers from The Dick Van Dyke Show.

While some of the panelists received behind-the-scenes help, Rose Marie wasn’t given the show’s questions in advance so her punchlines were made up on the spot. Here are some laugh-worthy zingers that Rose Marie delivered.

Question: According to Dear Abby, is there a law that can force a man to marry a woman?

Rose Marie: Yes, and I think it’s called a mother-in-law.

Question: Which is the most valuable gem now on the market?
Rose Marie: Men.

Question: Does your face look more wrinkled when you get up in the morning or go to bed at night?
Rose Marie: I imagine it’d be more wrinkled at night. It’s been out longer.

Question: According to beauty experts, put some egg white on your face, leave it on for two minutes, and then rinse with cool water. If you’ve been successful, what’s gone?
Rose Marie: The egg white.

Question: Can a mink coat be considered a necessity in real life?

Rose Marie: Yeah, I think it is to another mink.

Question: According to Billy Graham, there is only thing that can satisfy your deepest longings?
Rose Marie: Do you want names?

Question: Can intense pleasure bring on a heart attack?
Rose Marie: How would I know?

Question: What is “John Brown’s Body?”
Rose Marie: I found it to be very warm and wonderful.

Question: According to a nationwide poll, whom do more Americans say they trust more – garbage collectors or doctors?

Rose Marie: How can you put those two together? I guess because they both remove things.

Question: The great sphinx of Egypt has a human’s head and who’s body?
Rose Marie: Milton Berle’s.

Question: True or False. It is now possible to hire a wife for 500 dollars a month.
Rose Marie: I’ll take 450 and bus fare.

Question: What is the scientific term for the study of man?
Rose Marie: Cruising the boulevard.

Question: According to the National Safety Council, if your clothes catch on fire, will running help?

Rose Marie: No, but it’s great for the legs.

Question: Ann Landers advises that when someone phones you and says “I called you last night, and you weren’t home. Where were you,” you should reply by saying what?
Rose Marie: Peter [Marshall], if you called I was home.

Question: According to Vogue, what flower has traditionally represented innocence and purity?
Rose Marie: Well, it’s not the rose.
Peter Marshall: Not the Rose we know anyway.

Question: A famous television personality has written a novel titled Everything a Man Could Want. Who wrote it?
Rose Marie: I did. It’s my autobiography. And it’s not selling, Peter.

Question: How far does a horse run in a Kentucky Derby?
Rose Marie: As long as he can go.

Question: As you grow older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while you are talking?
Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing older question, Peter, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget!

Question: In bowling, what’s a perfect score?
Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Question: During a tornado, are you safer in the bedroom or in the closet?

Rose Marie: Unfortunately, Peter, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Question: The Bible states that “your old men shall dream dreams, and your young men shall see…” what?
Rose Marie: See me after the show.

Question: Dear Abby says that there is only one reason people lie. What reason is that?
Rose Marie: They want to get re-elected.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Sam died, and in his will he left $50,000 for his funeral. His friend bill came to the funeral, and he remarked to Sam’s widow how nice the flowers were. She told him about Sam’s will.

Bill looked around, and he appreciated what a nice funeral it was, but he could not see $50,000 worth. He asked the widow about it.

She explained the flowers were $5000, the casket was $7500, and the catering bill for the wake came to $8500. “What went for the remaining $40,000?” Bill asked.

She replied, “I spent the rest on memorial stone.”

“Bill was impressed. “That must be some stone. Just how big is it?”

“About 7.5 carats.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Comical song titles, inspired by a lunch conversation earlier this week

You’re the Reason Our Kids Are So Ugly

Thank God And Greyhound (She’s Gone)

If You Don’t Believe I Love You, Just Ask My Wife

You Take the Medicine (I’ll Take the Nurse)

I Wouldn’t Take Her to a Dog Fight (she might win)

Dogs Can Grow Beards All Over

I’ve Been Flushed From the Bathroom of Your Heart

All I Want From You (Is Away)

You Can’t Have Your Kate and Edith Too

If the Phone Doesn’t Ring, It’s Me

Drop Kick Me, Jesus (Through the Goal Post of Life)

Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued

If My Nose Was Running Money (I’d Blow It All On You)

I’ve Got Tears in My Ears From Lying on My Back in Bed While I Cry Over You

How Could You Believe Me When I Said I Loved You When You Know I’ve Been A Liar All My Life

I’d Rather Have a Bottle in Front of Me (Than a Frontal Lobotomy)

I Don’t Know Whether to Kill Myself or Go Bowling

Billy Broke My Heart at Walgreen’s (I Cried All the Way to Sears)

I have more of these, and I am going to post them unless Michael Cohen brings me a check for $130,000.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

This is an old one. I’m thinking I first heard it from high school, certainly from my time in the Navy. Could have been first published in Boys Life magazine.

Asked if a year in college had made a difference in his son, the farmer replied, “Well, he still good at plowing, but now instead of saying, “Whoa, Becky! Haw and git up!’ now he says, ‘Halt, Rebecca! Pivot and proceed!'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Two brothers, Timmy and Tommy, are badly misbehaving, and their parents send them to a religious reform school.

Almost immediately Timmy gets into trouble and is sent to the principal’s office.

The principal is a large man, and he looms over little Timmy. In a booming voice he demands, “Do you know where God is?” Timmy’s eyes grow large, but he doesn’t say a word.

The principal shouts even louder, “Do you know where God it?” Timmy runs from the room screaming.

Tommy finds his brother huddled in a corner and crying. He asks,”What’s wrong?”

Timmy responds, “They don’t know where God is, and they think I took him.”