Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Bob was in a terrible automobile accident, and he suffered severe burns to his face. The doctors told him he would need a skin graft.

Happily, they determined his wife’s skin was a perfect match for the graft, and they took a large patch of skin from her buttocks region and grafted it onto Bob’s face. The operation was a complete success, and Bob came out looking as handsome as ever. He was ever grateful to his wife for her contribution.

“My dear,” Bob told her. “How can I ever thank you?”

She gave him a sweet smile and replied, “No need to thank me, Bob. I will get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Here’s a story from way back. An American was vacationing in Spain, and he stopped at a restaurant in  Ronda, famous for being the birthplace of bull fighting in Spain. He was looking at the menu, but at another table he noticed a man enjoying an interesting dish. The aroma was enticing.

When the waiter came the American told him, “I want what that man is having.”

The waiter apologized. “Señor,” he said. “Those are bull’s testicles from this afternoon’s bull fight. Unfortunately there is only one bull per festival  in the off season, so we don’t have any more of this delicacy.”

The American chose another item from the menu, but the next day he was back and he asked about the order. Indeed, the waiter told him he could be served, and a few minutes later he served up a spicy plate of the dish.

But the American was puzzled, and he asked the waiter, “Yesterday the serving was much larger. Today, hardly anything. What gives?”

The waiter apologized. “Señor, sometimes the bull wins.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Can you believe I have now done five years of these? This one is really bad.

A man is walking along the beach when he spies an ancient oil lamp. Thinking strange thoughts to himself,  he picks it up. He glances about to make sure nobody is watching, then he rubs the lamp. No surprise, a genie appears.

The genie says, “Bargain basement time. You only get one wish. Tell me what it is so I can get back inside the lamp.”

One wish. The man thinks hard. Then he thinks of something he wants really bad, and he answers. “I want a highway bridge from the California West Coast to Hawaii.”

The genie is taken aback. “Fellow,” he says, “Did you understand the part of this being a bargain basement wish? Can you imagine all the effort I’m going to have to put out to poof up such a construction. To say nothing of the permits required. Can you please consider something else?”

So the man thinks for a while and has a new idea. “I have a hard time getting girls. Can you make me attractive so women will chase me wherever I go?”

“You want four lanes or six lanes?” the genie asks.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Two women took a night off from their husbands and went clubbing. After a night of swigging at the bar, they realized neither was in any shape to drive, so they hoofed it home. Passing a grave yard they both realized they needed to pee really bad. The grave yard was an obvious choice.

They went there separate ways among the monuments and the first one used her panties to wipe, then threw them away. The second realized she was wearing her $100 set from Victoria’s Secret, so she fished around behind her for something else. Her hand found a scrap of paper, and she used that.

They both made it home all right, and both slept in, while their husbands got together for some golf.

“Did Martha make it back all right last night?” one asked.

“Fine, as far as I can tell,” replied the other, “but I’m thinking I’m going to have to rein in these ladies nights out.”

“Oh, yeah?” His friend asked. “What happened?”

“Nothing I can pin down,” said the other, “but stuck to her butt was a note that said, ‘We will never forget you,’ and it was signed by ‘The Men of Firehouse 29.'”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A young Catholic woman went to confession for the first time in over a year. She could not wait to unload on her sinful ways.

“Father, I am not married, and last night my boyfriend and I made mad, passionate love.”

“Jesus will forgive,” the priest assured her.

“And, father,” she went on, “we continued on through the night. We committed fornication six or seven times last night.”

“Jesus will forgive,” the priest reassured her.

“What should I do?” the woman pleaded.

The priest advised her, “Cut a lemon in half and suck on the fruit for 30 minutes.”

“Will that atone for my sins?” the woman asked.

“No,” the priest assured her. “But it will remove that silly grin from your face.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to  you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in  one hand and two quarters in the other, then he calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”

The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” says the barber. “That kid never leans.”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.

“Hey, son, may I ask you a question?” the man says. “Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licks his cone and replies, “Because the day I take the dollar is the day the game is over.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

A man loves ice fishing. He finds the best fishing is at night, but he’s not been having much luck at his favorite spot, so one night he takes a different route. Arriving, he sets up his gear and starts to drill a hole in the ice.

From out of the dark a voice booms, “There are no fish there.”

The man is startled, but he takes it as a sign and moves a bit away. He starts to drill another hole, and again the voice comes to him from  out of the dim. “There are no fish there.”

So the man moves a little further away and gets set up again. Again the voice comes to him, “I’m telling you there are no fish there.”

Exasperated, but in awe, the man calls out to the darkness. “Who are you? Are you God?”

The voice comes back, “No, I’m the rink manager.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A rich widow in Sydney, Australia, decided to remarry. Recalling how poor her previous choice had been, she determined to be more picky the next time around. She summoned her solicitor.

“James,” she told him, “I have decided to  remarry. But I want my next husband to be young and strong. And a virgin. Please assure all candidates they will be well recompensed, as I will make them my sole heir. Go forthwith, sir.”

The solicitor came back the following week and announced proudly he had some prime candidates. “They are young and strong, Miss, and all have had few dates. I am sure they will be satisfactory.”

The widow was nonplussed. “James,” she admonished, “They must be virgins. Is that clear? Now be off.”

This time the solicitor was gone for a month, and when he returned he announced proudly, “Miss, I have found exactly what you are looking for.”

“Is he a virgin?”

“Most assuredly, Miss.”

“Then show him in.”

The young man came in to meet his new bride, and she was quite impressed. During close cross examination he revealed he had lived all his life in Australia’s wild outback, and had never seen a woman until the solicitor brought him to Sydney. The wedding  was quickly dispatched with, and the widow prepared for her wedding night.

She led Jackson, her new husband, to the bedroom, and ordered him to prepare for the treat of her life. Then she repaired to her dressing room to prep for the consummation.

When she returned to the bedroom she immediately noticed things had changed. All the furniture had been moved up against the walls. She was a bit surprised and inquired as to the preparations.

Jackson explained, “Miss, I don’t know anything about women, but with kangaroos you need lots of room.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

I have this friend Bill, who’s a police officer, and he was telling me this strange tale.

He was doing  his nightly patrol in his police cruiser, and he was checking out cars parked beside a city park. There were two cars, and he put his flashlight in the window of one. Nothing. Then he moved over to the other and uncovered a man and a woman getting it on in the back seat.

“Hey, people,” he admonished them. “Take this somewhere else.”

The man spoke up. “It’s all right officer. This is my wife.”

“Sorry, fellow. I didn’t know,” Bill responded.

The man told him, “Neither did I  until you put the light in her face.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. So, to make the decision he decided to run a test. He gave each woman $5000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flat screen TV. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third woman took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned %5000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, “I invested the rest of the money for our future, because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, then then he decided to  marry the one with the big tits.