Frank lived next door to the city’s crazy house.
One day Frank was minding his own business when he heard some chanting coming from next door.
“Twenty-one, twenty-one, twenty-one…”
After listening to this for a few minutes, Frank’s curiosity got the better of him, and he strolled over to see if he could figure out what it was all about.
Nearing the house, he spotted a small hole in the wall.
The sound seemed to be coming from that hole. Frank bent down an peered through the the hole into the house.
Suddenly a finger came out of the hole and poked him in the eye. It was most painful.
Then the chanting resumed, “Twenty-two, twenty-two, twenty-two…”
I am not sure there really is a “Dear Uncle Andy” column in the Picayune Gazette, however:
Dear Uncle Andy:
I am a lady aged 26, and my husband is 34. I left my husband with the maid and our baby at home. After driving just 2 km from home, my car engine started to overheat. So I had to return to get the other car. When I got home I found my husband in bed with the maid. I don’t know what to do. Please help.
Uncle Andy’s Reply:
Overheating of the engine after such a short distance can be caused by problems associated with the radiator. You need to check the oil and water levels in the engine before you start your journey. You must have your car serviced regularly to avoid such problems. I hope my answer will solve your problem.
A housewife buys a parrot to keep her company during the day.
The sales clerk warns the parrot was donated by a brothel, where he may have picked up some colorful language. The housewife doesn’t mind, and she takes the parrot home.
When she gets home and uncovers the cage the bird starts talking. “Brawkk! New Madam. Hello, Madam.”
When the three daughters come home from school they are delighted at seeing the parrot. The parrot squawks, “Brawkk! New Girls. Hello Girls.”
Finally the woman’s husband, Phil, comes home from work, just in time for dinner. When he walks past the parrot, the parrot opens up again, “Brawkk! Hi, Phil.”
I’m still trying to figure out whether this actually happened.
At a staff meeting the boss complained he wasn’t getting enough respect from his employees. After the meeting he went out and found a sign shop. He ordered a sign that said, “I’m the boss.” He figured that would shake things up a bit.
He brought the sign back to the office and put it up on his office door. Then he went to lunch. When he returned from lunch somebody had taped a note to his sign. It said, “While you were out your wife phoned. She wants her sign back.”
This was some time ago, back when cars had hubcaps. I was driving along in my car when it became apparent a tire had gone flat. Sure enough the left rear was almost to the rim, and there was no recourse to but to change it out.
I opened the trunk and pulled out the jack. About this time I noticed I had an audience. Next to the street there was a fence, and a sign on the fence told this was an insane asylum. Several people inside the fence were watching. I gave a wave and kept on working.
I jacked up the left rear and removed the wheel, placing the lug nuts in the hubcap. I was in the process of pulling the spare out of the trunk when a car came along the street. It clipped the hubcap, and all the lug nuts went flying off to who knows where.
This was a devastating situation and I was standing there trying to figure out which tow company I should call. There was this guy on the other side of the fence, and he piped up. “Why don’t you just take one nut off each of the other three wheels and use it to install the spare? That will get you to somewhere you can buy another set of lug nuts.”
I thought that was a great idea, and I told the guy that. “Makes me wonder why you are in there, and I am out here.”
He replied, “Fellow, we’re in here because we’re crazy, not stupid.”
The couple had been married 75 years, and a more loving pair you never saw, spending their retirement years on the beach in Jamaica. An American newspaper sent a reporter down to interview them and get their story.
The reporter asked the man how the two managed to get along well for so many years, and the man explained.
“It was on our honeymoon, and we were visiting the Grand Canyon. We were riding horses down the trail into the canyon. Then my new bride’s horse stumbled and almost pitched her off into the canyon. She got back up on the horse and said into his ear, ‘That’s once.'”
The man continued, “A few minutes later her horse stumbled again, again almost pitching her into the canyon. She got back on and said into the horse’s ear, ‘That’s twice.'”
“Finally, same thing. The horse stumbled, and she picked herself up, pulled a pistol from her purse, and shot the horse dead. ‘That’s three times!'” She shouted.
“I was, of course indignant. ‘Why did you shoot that poor, dumb animal?’ I yelled at her.'”
She looked at me and said, ‘That’s once.'”
Here’s another parrot joke.
A man goes into a pet shop to buy a parrot. The shop owner points to three identical birds and says, “The parrot on the left goes for $500.”
“Why so much?” the customer asks.
The owner says, “He knows how to use a computer, and he can diagnose system bugs.”
“So, how about the next one?” the customer asks.
The owner says, “He can do everything the first one can do, and in addition he knows how to configure UNIX. He costs $1000.”
“So, how much is the third one?” the customer asks.
“That one costs $2000.”
“Wow!” the customer exclaims. “What can that one do?”
The owner replies, “I don’t know for sure, but the other two call him Boss.”
Here’s an old person joke, so get ready.
An elderly couple walk into a fast food restaurant, and they order one hamburger, one order of French fries, and one drink.
The old man unwraps the plain hamburger and carefully cuts it in half. He gives one half to his wife and keeps the other half. He carefully counts out the fries and gives half to his wife. He takes a sip of his drink, and then she takes a sip.
As the man begins to eat his part of the fries his wife just sits and watches. An onlooker, figuring the couple are able to purchase only one meal comes over. He offers to buy them another burger, fries, and drink. The old man declines. “We are just accustomed to sharing everything,” he tells the man.
Still the old woman sits and watches as her husband eats the hamburger. Again the man offers to purchase them another meal. The woman responds, “It’s really all right. We are used to sharing everything.” Still she does not eat.
The old man finishes and wipes his mouth with a napkin, and still the old woman has not eaten. The other man is now insistent. “You aren’t eating. What are you waiting for.”
She turns to him and says, “The teeth.”
A lawyer meets with his client after the police lab completes an analysis of his blood. He tells his client, “The police completed the tests, and there is good news, and there is bad news.”
“All right, tell me the bad news first,” the man says.
“The bad news is your blood matches the stains found on the victim.”
“So, what’s the good news?”
“Your cholesterol is down to 140.”
How bad is it? I’m glad you asked.
The economy is so bad that:
I received a pre-declined credit card in the mail.
Donald Trump is playing miniature golf.
Exxon-Mobil was forced to lay off 25 congressmen.
Angelina Jolie adopted a child from Scarsdale, New York.
Motel Six doesn’t leave the light on anymore.
A picture is now worth 200 words.
They have renamed Wall Street “Wal-Mart Street.”
I was so depressed, I phoned the suicide hot line. My call went to a center in Pakistan. When I told them I was suicidal they got excited. They asked if I knew how to drive a truck.
A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked, ‘Please, may I hide under your skirt? I’ll explain later.”
The nun agreed. A moment two Military Police ran up and asked, “Sister, have you seen a soldier?”
The nun replied, “He went that way.”
After the Military Police ran off, the soldier crawled out from under her skirt and said, “I can’t thank you enough, Sister. You see, I didn’t want to go to Iraq.”
The nun said, “I understand completely.”
The soldier added, “I don’t want to seem rude, but you have a great pair of legs.”
The nun replied, “If you had looked a bit higher you would have noticed I have a great pair of balls, as well. I don’t want to go to Iraq, either.”
So I was returning to my car after a few rounds with some friends, when I saw this man. He was sitting on the curb, his feet out in the street. And he was crying.
This looked so pitiful, I went over to investigate. I asked, “What’s the problem, old fellow?”
“My wife is gone,” he sobbed.
This was distressful news. So I asked, “Did she die?”
“No, he sobbed.”
“Did she leave you?”
I was puzzled. “Then what happened to your wife?”
He stopped sobbing long enough to look up. “I traded her for a bottle of whiskey.”
That was shocking. “So, you traded her for a bottle of whiskey?”
“And now you want her back.”
“Because you realize you love her, and you miss her.”
“No? Then why do you want her back.”
“Because I’m thirsty again.”
A man walks into bar and takes a seat. Then he pulls a tiny piano out of his pocket and places it on the bar. Next he pulls out a tiny man, who sits himself at the piano and begins to play.
The bartender is astounded. “Where did you get that?” he asks.
The man pulls an old whiskey bottle out of his pocket and places it on the bar. “I found this magic bottle,” he says. “It will grant you any wish you ask for.”
“No!” exclaims the bartender. “Can’t be.”
“Try it,” the man responds.
So the bartender picks up the bottle and thinks for a moment. Suddenly the bar is filled with ducks. There are ducks on all the tables and hopping on the bar. There must be a million ducks.
“What’s all this?” the bartender screams. “I didn’t wish for a million ducks.”
The man sits silently. “You think I wished for a 10-inch pianist?”
A man and wife stand in front of a judge. They are getting a divorce, and they each want custody of the child.
The wife argues, “I am the mother. The child belongs to me.”
The judge looks at the man and raises his eyebrows.
The man thinks for a while and then says, “I put a buck fifty in the soda machine. Do you think the soda machine gets the can of soda?”
Two hunters are preparing for an outing, and they both take a course on hunting safety. There is an examination at the end, and both do well.
Comes the second day of their hunting expedition, and they figure they are hopeless lost in the woods. They think back to the safety course they took.
“It says we should shoot three times into the air and wait for somebody to come find us. They do that, and they wait.
They figure they need to repeat the process, and they do. Then they wait.
By now it’s dark, and they are faced with the prospect of spending the night lost in the woods.
“What do you think we should do?” one asks.
The other responds, “Let’s give it one more try before we give up.”
The other hunter has some bad news. “But we only have two arrows left.”
A vampire bat returned to the bat colony after a night of feasting. The other bats noticed his face was covered in blood. He had obviously been fortunate in finding an abundant source. They beseeched him to disclose his find. He refused and hung silently from his perch.
The other bats harangued him ceaselessly until he finally relented. “Follow me,” he told them, and he flew off. He finally came to rest in a peach orchard overlooking a farm house.
“You see that house over there?” he asked.
They all said they did.
“You see that large oak in front of the house?”
The all agreed. They saw it.
“Well, I didn’t,” he told them.
A Jew was riding on the train, and he was reading an Arab newspaper. His friend asked him what was up. Why was he reading an Arab newspaper.
“It’s this way,” the friend responded. “I read The Times of Israel, and all I see is Jews being persecuted, Israel being attacked. It’s depressing.”
“So?” the other man inquired. “What’s with the Arab paper?”
“I read the Arab news,” the Jew responds. “Jews control the news. Jews are behind the global economy. Jews are a global menace. It’s much more uplifting.”
A doctor finished examining a patient, and he came to troubling conclusion. He told the man to wait outside, and he called the man’s wife in for a talk.
“Ms. Thompson, your husband’s situation is critical. You are going to need to take care of him, else he will die. He needs bed rest. He needs to quit his job, and he shouldn’t be doing any work around the house. Serve him all his meals in bed. I hope you understand.”
The wife told the doctor she understood, and she left with her husband to go home. In the car the husband asked if the doctor had given him any information he should know.
“He did, my dear,” the wife responded. “He says you’re going to die.”
A blonde was suffering severe pain, and she went to see her doctor.
“Doctor,” she told him. “It hurts everywhere.”
The Doctor asked her to show him where it hurt. “Touch the place where it hurts.”
She touched her elbow. “Ouch! That hurts.”
She touched her thigh. “Ouch! That hurts.”
She touched her nose. “Ouch! That hurts.”
“Stop,” Said the doctor. “I see what the problem is. Your index finger is broken.”
Bob was in a terrible automobile accident, and he suffered severe burns to his face. The doctors told him he would need a skin graft.
Happily, they determined his wife’s skin was a perfect match for the graft, and they took a large patch of skin from her buttocks region and grafted it onto Bob’s face. The operation was a complete success, and Bob came out looking as handsome as ever. He was ever grateful to his wife for her contribution.
“My dear,” Bob told her. “How can I ever thank you?”
She gave him a sweet smile and replied, “No need to thank me, Bob. I will get all the thanks I need every time your mother kisses you on the cheek.”