Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The lineage is finally revealed. Many people are at a loss for a response when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt.” Now you can intellectually handle the situation.

Jack is the son of Awe Schitt and O. Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn Jack schitt married Noe Schitt, the deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Giva Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins: Deap Schitt and Dip Schitt. Against her parents’ objections, Deap Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

However, after being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later remarried to Ted Sherlock, and, because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name.

She was then known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock. Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son of nervous disposition, Chicken  Schitt. Two other of the 6 children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseperable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.

The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens wedding. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to  tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

So now when someone says, “You don’t know Jack Schitt,” you can correct them.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The Pope went on vacation for a few days to visit the rugged mountains
of Alaska . He was driving along near a campground when he heard a
frantic commotion just at the edge of the woods. He found a helpless
Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a ‘Vote for Hillary’ hat and a ‘Save
the Trees’ shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically,
thrashing all about trying to free himself from the grasp of a 10-foot grizzly bear.

As the Pope watched in horror, a group of Republican loggers wearing
Go Trump shirts came racing up. One quickly fired a .44 magnum slug
right into the bear’s chest. The two other men pulled the semiconscious
Democrat from the bear’s grasp.

Then using baseball bats, the three loggers finished off the bear. Two
of the men dragged the dead grizzly onto the bed of their pickup truck
while the other tenderly placed the injured Democrat in the back seat.

As they began to leave, the Pope summoned all of them over to him. “I
give you my blessing for your brave actions!” he proudly proclaimed.
“I have heard there was bitter hatred between Republican loggers and
Democratic environmental activists, but now I’ve seen with my own eyes
that this is not true.

As the Pope drove off, one logger asked his buddies, “Who was that guy?
“Dude, that was the Pope,” another replied. “He’s in direct contact
with Heaven and has access to all wisdom.

“Well,” the logger said, “he may have access to all wisdom, but he
don’t know squat about bear hunting. By the way, is the bait still
alive or do we need to go back to California and get another one?

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Four expectant fathers were in  a hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor.

The nurse tells the first man, “You’re the father of twins.”

He responds, “What a coincidence, I work for the Minnesota Twins.”

She tells the second man, “You’re the father of triplets.”

The second man responds, “Wow! What a coincidence. I work for 3M Company.”

She tells the third man, “You’re the father of quadruplets.”

The second man is overwhelmed. He exclaims, “Amazing! I work for Four Seasons Hotel.”

The fourth man faints dead away. When he comes to they ask him what’s wrong.

“I work for 7-11,” he moans.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Twelve actual pregnancy questions people asked.

Q: Should I have a baby after 35.
A: No, 35 are enough

Q: I’m two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.

Q: What is the most common pregnancy craving?
A: For men to be the ones who get pregnant.

Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby’s sex?
A: Childbirth.

Q: The more pregnant I get, the more often strangers smile at me. Why?
A: Because you’re fatter than they are.

Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that sometimes she’s borderline irrational.
A: So what’s your question?

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word “alimony” means anything to you.

Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from  childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.

Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby’s diaper quickly.

Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.

 

 

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A very sad day today.

After seven years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients and can now no longer work in the profession.

What a waste of time, effort, training, and money. A genuinely nice guy and a brilliant mortician.

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Bob forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him, “Tomorrow morning I expect to see a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to  200 in six seconds flat. And it had better be there!!!”

The next morning Bob’s wife woke up and looked out her bedroom window. There in the driveway was a box, gift wrapped.

She ran outside, picked up the box, and unwrapped it. Inside was a new bathroom scale.

Bob has been missing since Friday. Bob’s wife denies everything.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Once again, The Washington Post has published the winning submissions to its yearly neologism contest, in which readers are asked to supply alternative meanings for common words. And the winners are:

  1. Coffee (n.), the person upon  whom one coughs.
  2. Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
  3. Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
  4. Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
  5. Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
  6. Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
  7. Lymph (v.), to walk with a lisp.
  8. Gargoyle (n.), gross olive-flavored mouthwash.
  9. Flatulance (n.) emergency vehicle that picks you up after you are run over by a steamroller.
  10. Balderdash (n.), a rapidly receding hairline.
  11. Rectitude (n.), the formal, dignified bearing adopted by proctologists.
  12. Pokemon (n.), a Rastafarian proctologist.
  13. Circumvent (n.), an opening in the front of boxer shorts worn by Jewish men.
  14. Frisbeetarianism (n.), (back by popular demand): the belief that when you die your soul flies up on the roof and gets stuck there.

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Yes, we do. Please come back

Four friends reunited at a party after 30 years. After a few laughs and drinks, one of them had to go to the restroom. The ones that stayed behind began to talk about their kids and their successes.

The first guy says: “I am very proud of my son, he is my pride and joy. He started working at a very successful company at the bottom of the barrel. He studied Economics, Business Administration, and was promoted, began to climb the corporate ladder, becoming the General Manager, and now he is the president of the company. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes Benz for his birthday.”

The second guy says: “Damn, that’s terrific! My son is also my pride and joy, I am very proud of him. He started working at a travelling agency for a very big airline. He went to flight school to become a pilot and managed to become a partner in the company where he now owns the majority of the assets. He became so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet for his birthday.”

The third guy says: “Well, well, well congratulations! My son is also my pride and joy and he is also very rich. He studied in the best universities and became an engineer. He started his own construction company and became very successful and a multi-millionaire. He also gave away some very nice and expensive thing to his best friend for his birthday. He built a 30,000 sq. ft. mansion especially for his friend.”

The three friends congratulated each other mutually for the successes of their sons. The fourth friend who earlier had gone to restroom returned and asked: “What’s going on, what are all the congratulations for?” One of the three said: “We were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons. What about your son?”

The fourth man replied: “My son is Gay and he makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub.”

The three friends said: “What a shame that must be, that is horrible, what a disappointment you must feel.”

The fourth man replied: “No, I am not ashamed. Not at all. He is my son and I love him just as well, he is my pride and joy. In addition, he is very lucky too. Did you know that his birthday just passed and the other day he received a beautiful 30,000 sq. ft. mansion, a brand new jet, and a top of the line Mercedes Benz from his three boyfriends?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Oh, yes. In Jesus’ name, please come back.

Things Not To Say During Sex

  • I have to poop.
  • Smile for the Camera!
  • Get off me, I’ll do it myself.
  • This is your first time… right?
  • You’re almost as good as my ex.
  • When is this supposed to feel good?
  • I thought you had the keys to the handcuffs.
  • I was so horny tonight, I would have taken a sheep home.
  • Keep it down, my mother is a light sleeper.
  • Hey! My friends are right. You are good.
  • On second thought, let’s turn the lights off.
  • I’m sobering up and you’re getting ugly.
  • But everybody looks funny naked.
  • Do I have to pay for this?
  • What’s your name again?
  • Hold on, let me change the channel.
  • It’s nice being in bed with someone I don’t have to inflate.
  • Uhhh… I think the condom broke 10 minutes ago.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Not yet

Oh, yes, Mother of Jesus, please come back.

I took my dad to the mall once to get him new shoes (he’s 76). We decided to grab a bite at the food court. I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors—blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept staring at her. The teenager would keep looking, and my dad would be staring every time. When the teenager had had enough, she sarcastically asked, “What’s the matter, old man, never done anything wild in your life?”

Knowing my dad, I quickly swallowed my food so I wouldn’t choke on his response—I knew he would have a good one.

In classic style he responded without batting an eyelid: “Got stoned once and screwed a parrot. Just wondering if you were my daughter.”