Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Once when I was traveling I had a stop-over in an Appalachian town. I was taking the train out, and I spent some time waiting on the platform, just looking around.

I struck up a conversation with a local gent, who was sitting on a bench whittling. We talked some time.

I noticed a cat lying about on the platform, and it was kid of odd. It had no tail. I motioned to the local, “Manx cat?”

“Nope,” said, continuing his whittling. “3:40 express.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A doctor in a small town was giving his patient some bad news. “I’m sorry, Mr. Henderson, but I have to tell you that you have diphtheria. You need immediate treatment.”

The patient replied, “Then I’m sorry, Dr. Smythe, but I’m going to get a second opinion.”

The doctor was shocked. “Mr. Henderson, why do you doubt my diagnosis?”

“Because, Dr. Smythe, last year Dr. Allison diagnosed Tom Jacobs with diphtheria, and he died of the flu.”

Dr. Smythe sought to calm his patient. “Mr. Henderson, I assure you that if I diagnose you of diphtheria, you will die of diphtheria.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Henry was minding the store he had on the main street in town when the phone rang.

“Mr. Jackson?”

“Yes, this is Henry Jackson speaking.”

“Do you know a Mr. Edward Kittridge?”

“Known him since he was a boy.”

“Well, this is Fred Harris here at the bank, and Mr Kittridge has applied for a loan. He said you could vouch for him.”

“You must have the wrong Eddie Kittridge, because the Eddie Kittridge I know is dead.”

“Dead? How do you know he’s dead?”

Because he told me on Monday that unless he was dead he would be in on Tuesday to pay me the $50 he owed me.”

“Thank you Mr. Jackson.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Wynton Marsalis had finished a live performance at the Lincoln Center in New York when a woman approached him back stage. “Mr. Marsalis, you were magnificent,” she exclaimed. And she continued. “But I must tell you about my son Nevile.”Marsalis had prior experience with stage mothers, so he knew what was coming.

“Nevile plays the trumpet, also, and you really must hear him play. He plays just like Roger Voisin.”

“I’m sure he plays quite well, madame,” Marsalis reassured her. “Roger Voisin was in his time the greatest all around. But you need to have him audition at a music school. That’s the best route to success.”

“No,” the woman persisted. “I can’t get them to give him an audition. But I’m sure that if you hear him play you would want to help him. I have a recording right here. Let me play it for you.”

With that the woman punched a button on her iPod and the mellow sound of a trumpet filled the air. Marsalis was taken aback. The sound of the trumpet was as professional as he had ever heard. “That’s your son playing?” he asked.

“No,” the woman replied. “That’s Roger Voisin. But Nevile plays just like that.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Madelaine inherited her parents’ fabulous wealth and flowered into a maid of stunning beauty. She decided to devote her life to purity, and she repaired to her stately home and waited for the right man to come. He never did.

The flower withered, and Madelaine, alone and facing the inevitable, held to a life of purity. The end approached.

It was a dark night, and Madelaine lay in her bed and wondered at life’s choices. Out of the darkness a light glowed and a vision appeared. “Madelaine,” a voice spoke to her. “You have lived a pure life, and you should be rewarded. I can grant you two wishes and the opportunity to reconsider. What is your first wish?”

Madelaine grasped a the chance for redemption, and she spoke her first wish. “I desire to be young and beautiful again,” and the room brightened, and she saw once again the seductress of years past.

“For my second wish,” Madelaine told the spirit, “I want my faithful cat Brutus to be transformed into a young and strong-hearted man who will come to me in my bed.

There was the sound of a gong being struck, and Brutus, who had grown startled at what was transpiring, was instantly replaced by a strapping youth of obvious vigor. He gazed at Madelaine in surprise, seeking an answer.

“Brutus,” Madelaine asked him, “you appear puzzled. Is there something you want to ask me?”

Brutus spoke. “Yes, my dear Madelaine. Do you now regret having me neutered?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Herbie was born and grew up in Queens, more properly Queens Borough, New York. His friend Nathan from time to time pestered Herbie with wacky ideas. One day Nathan came in all excited.

“Herbie,” he exclaimed. You have got to come to see this woman I met yesterday. Her name is Miss Yarna, and she tells me fantastic things. She tells me things about myself that only I know.”

Herbie was nonplussed. He told Nathan that kind of business was fake and nonsense. But Nathan was persistent. “Herbie, she can put you in contact with your grandmother, your Bubbe.”

Herbie figured he needed to get Nathan clued in, so he went along with him to visit Miss Yarna. Miss Yarna was properly impressive. She wore a long, flowing gown, and her hair was stacked almost to the ceiling. Nathan introduced Herbie, and he told Miss Yarna that Herbie wanted to communicate with his Bubbe, who had been dead five years.

Miss Yarna told the two she would enter a trance and would speak to them in Bubbe’s voice. She closed her eyes and rocked back and forth. Finally she began to speak. She reminded Herbie how she told him to always eat his vegetables and to not run around with fast women. And much more. Finally Bubbe asked Herbie if he had a question he wanted her to answer.

Herbie, obviously entranced, thought for a moment and then spoke. “Bubbe, when did you learn to speak English?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

This was back in the previous century, when traveling carnivals visited farm communities in the Mid-West. The farmer was in the next county looking at farm machinery, and his harried wife was left to deal with their teenage boy.

Billy wanted to go to the carnival, but his mother resisted. Billy persisted, and the farmer’s wife finally relented. But she gave him some stern advice.

“Son, when you get amongst those carnival people, you are entering a different world. There is stuff you need to be aware of, things you aren’t meant to experience at your age. You can ride the rides, and you can take your turn at some of the games, but you need to avoid those tents that show girlie dancers out front.”

Billy was puzzled. “Why, momma? Why can’t I go in there and see the shows?”

His mother was adamant. “Son,” she told him, “If you go in there you are liable to see some things you shouldn’t see. Do you understand me?”

The boy assured her, and off he went to the carnival. He was back home a little before supper time.

As his mother prepared supper she grew suspicious. “Billy, did you have a good time at the carnival?”

“Yes, ma. I sure did,” Billy replied.

“Now, be honest with me, son,” she said. “Did you go into one of those tents I told you about?”

“Billy was despondent. He hung his head and admitted the truth to his mother. “Yes, ma, I did.”

“See, I told you so,” his mother told him. “And did you see some things you weren’t supposed to see?”

“Yes, ma. I did.” Billy was so ashamed.

“And what did you see, young man.”

“I saw my daddy sitting down on the front row.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A curious email exchange

Dearest Dad,

I’m coming home to get married soon, so get your check book out. I’m in love with a man who is far away from me.

As you know, I’m in Australia and he lives in Scotland. We met on a dating website, became friends on Face book, and had long chats on WhatsApp. He proposed to me on Skype, and now we’ve had two months of a relationship through Viber.

My beloved Dad, I’d like your blessing, good wishes, and a really big wedding.

Lots of love and thanks.

Your daughter, Lilly

THE RESPONSE

My Dear Lilly,

Like wow! Cool!

I suggest that you two get married on Twitter, have fun on Tango, buy your kids on Amazon, and pay for it all through PayPal.

And when you get fed up with your new husband, sell him on eBay.

Love,

Your Dad

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Three virgin sisters were getting married, and their mother worried about how they would handle their wedding nights. She made each sister promise to send a post card from their honeymoon to let her know how things went.

The first card the mother received was from Hawaii. It said simply, “Nescafe.” The mother was puzzled, so she pulled out a jar of Nescafe and read the label. It said, “Great from beginning to end.”

The second card the mother received was from was from the Maldives. It said “Rothmans.” She knew it was a cigarette brand, so she searched out a pack of her husband’s cigarettes and read the label. It said, “Super Strong King Size.” She was a little shocked.

She received the third card from nearly a month after the wedding, from New Zealand. It said, “Air New Zealand.” She went to the library and found an ad for Air New Zealand. It read “Ten times a day, seven days a week, in all directions.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

In a prior century a weary traveler plodded through the night along a lonely English country road. Presently he came upon an inn, nestled amongst a stand of chestnut trees. The sign above the door read “St. George and the Dragon.” The traveler knew it was late, and the inn was surely closed, but he knocked at the door nonetheless.

Shortly a window above sprang open and the frizzled head of a surly matron thrust forth. Her voice enriched the night air. “What do you mean knocking me up at this ungodly hour, you scummy pig? Get thee to the farthest reached of Hell.” And the window shutters slammed shut.

The weary traveler was abject and crestfallen. Perplexed, he determined to persevere. Once again he knocked upon the inn’s door, and he stood back to observe the window above. Again it opened with a banging of shutters against the cold stones.

“So, you persist, Mr. shit head. What do you want?”

The traveler looked up at the awful face and he pleaded. “Please, madam, could I speak to St. George?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

For decades two heroic statues, one male, the other female, stood in the park, facing each other. One day there was a clap of thunder out of a clear sky, and an angel appeared. The angel announced, “You two have been such exemplary statues all these years, I’m going to grant you special powers. For 30 minutes you will come to life, and you will be able to do what you have wanted to do all this time.”

And it happened. The statues suddenly found themselves to be living people with all the pent up desires of real people. They eyed each other for a moment, and both exhibited devilish grins on their faces. They dashed off into the nearby woods together. For 15 minutes there came such sounds of raucous laughter, anybody nearby would have shocked.

When the two emerged the angel was still there. The angel reminded them, “There is still 15 minutes left. Do what you always wanted to do.”

The female statue looked at the other and said, “All right, this time you hold the pigeon down and I will shit on his head.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Smitty ran into his old friend Jacob and was amazed at the look of him. “What happened to your eye, dude?” He asks.

“Lisa Mae hit me,” Jacob replied.

“Why did she do that?” Smitty asked.

“Oh, I called her a two-bit whore, and she got mad,” Jacob responded.

Smitty emphasized. “That looks really bad. What did she hit you with?”

“A bag of quarters.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man comes home from work to find his wife packing her bags. “Where are you going?” he asks.

“I’m going to Las Vegas,” she responds. “There are women there who get paid $400 for what I do for you for free.”

The man starts packing his bags. She asks, “Where are you going?”

He replies, “I’m going to Las Vegas, too. I want to see somebody try to live on $800 a year.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man is walking along the beach, and he finds a strange bottle washed up. He thinks, “What can it hurt?” so he rubs the bottle.

A genie appears and intones, “I am authorized to offer you one wish. What will it be, master?”

The man tells the genie, “I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m afraid to fly. Build me a highway from California to Hawaii.”

The genie is appalled. “Do you realize the amount of raw materials that would require? You need to be more realistic.”

The man thinks and then decides. “OK, I’ve never been successful with girls. Could you make it so girls find me attractive?”

“Two lanes or four?” the genie responds.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Really bad

While shopping for vacation wear a husband and wife passed a display of bathing suits. It had been ten years and at least twenty pounds since the woman had considered buying a bathing suit, so she asked her husband’s advice.

“Do you think I should get a bikini or an all-in-one?”

“Better get a bikini,” he replied. “There’s no way you’re going to get it all in one.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A man was in a terrific automobile accident, and he wakes up in a hospital bed. The doctor comes in to see him and exclaims, “Ah, I see you are awake. What can I do for you?”

The man replies, “Tell me, am I badly injured?”

The doctor calms the man down. You have a number of injuries from which you will soon recover. Unfortunately your penis was completely severed and destroyed in the fire from your accident. However, I do have some good news. We have developed new technology, and we can now generate a replacement penis. The bad news is the replacement costs $1000 per inch. The good news is you have been awarded $9000 damages by a court. So, you can spend the money as you see fit. Maybe you should discuss this with your wife. I see you have been married for over 30 years, and this may be something of great importance to the two of you.

So the doctor leaves, and later in the day he checks back with his patient. “Have you discussed the matter with your wife?” he asks.

“Yes, I have,” the man replies.

“What have you decided?” the doctor asks.

“We’re getting new marble counter tops.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

A storekeeper on the main street in a small town came in one day and was dismayed to see another store had opened next door. They had a huge sign that said BEST DEALS.

The following day somebody else opened a store on the other side of his, and they had a big sign that read LOWEST PRICES.

Thinking quickly, he called a sign company and had them install a larger sign that said MAIN ENTRANCE.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

Wife Makes A Big Sacrifice For Her Husband. What Keeps Her Motivated Is Hilarious!

John was in an accident and his face was badly burned. The doctors couldn’t reconstruct his face with John’s own skin because he was so skinny. But his wife said they could use hers. The doctor decided that the best skin to be used was from her butt. So they took her skin and reconstructed Johns face.

After the surgery he looked better than ever! His entire family was amazed, but none of them ever learned where the skin came from; they assumed it was his own.

One night John is overcome with emotion so he begins to cry and tells his wife “I love you so much. I’m so grateful for your sacrifice.”

She shrugs and says “Honey, all of the thanks I need comes when your mother kisses you on the cheek.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

While fishing off the coast of Key West in Florida a tourist capsized his boat. Although he was a good swimmer, he clung to his capsized boat rather than risk encountering an alligator closer to shore.

Presently a beachcomber came along and shouted out to him, asking if he needed any help. The tourist explained his situation. The beachcomber shouted out to him, “There aren’t any alligators in these waters.”

So the tourist let go of his boat and started swimming to shore. He paused half way and shouted to the beachcomber, “Are you sure there are no alligators, because I felt something brush my leg.”

The beachcomber shouted back, “There haven’t been any alligators her for years. The sharks got them all.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a series

So, the woman goes to the psychiatrist. He asks, “What seems to be the problem?”

“It’s not me, Doctor,” she says. “It’s my husband.”

“What’s wrong with him,” the doctor asks.

“He’s become delusional,” the woman tells him.

“For example?” the doctor asks.

“Well, he thinks he’s a refrigerator.”

“That seems harmless enough. Can you live with that?”

“It’s no problem in the daytime, but at night when he’s sleeping his mouth drops open, and the light keeps me awake.”