Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A man had three beautiful girlfriends but didn’t know which one to marry. So, to make the decision he decided to run a test. He gave each woman $5000 to see how they would spend it.

The first girlfriend went out and got herself a complete makeover. She told him, “I spent the money so I could look pretty for you, because I love you so much.”

The second went shopping and bought the man new golf clubs, an iPad, and an 80-inch flat screen TV. She said, “I bought these gifts for you because I love you so much.”

The third woman took the $5000 and invested it in the stock market, doubled her investment, returned %5000 to the man and re-invested the rest. She said, “I invested the rest of the money for our future, because I love you so much.”

The man thought long and hard about how each of his girlfriends had spent the money, then then he decided to  marry the one with the big tits.

 

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Danny sets Andy up to go on a blind date with Shirley, a friend of his. But Andy is concerned about going out with somebody he has never seen before.

“What do I do if she’s ugly?” says Andy. “I’ll be stuck with her all  night.”

“Don’t worry,” Danny says. “Just go up to her door and meet her first. If you like what you see, then everything goes as planned. If you don’t, just say, “I’m Andy’s friend Jim. He sent me by to tell you his mother died, and he had to go out of town.”

So Andy figures that’s a good plan, and he goes to pick up Shirley for the date. He knocks on the door, and there she stands, a real knockout.

She tells him, I’m Shirley’s friend Betty. She asked me to tell you when you her mother died, and she had to go out of town.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Blondes finally got tired of all those dumb blonde jokes, so they compiled a collection of dumb brunette jokes. Here are some:

What do brunettes miss most about a great party? The invitation.

What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? A hostage.

Who makes bras for brunettes? Fisher-Price.

Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? It matches their mustache.

What’s black and blue and brown and lying in a ditch? A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes.

What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? Brown-bagging it.

What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure. Nobody else wants it.

Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? So brunettes can remember them.

What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? Invisible.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

The preacher at church is giving a sermon  about marriage and how sacred it is. He asks for a volunteer who has been married happily for 50 years. An older man stands and says he approaching his 50th anniversary.

The preacher asks him how he has managed to stay happy for so long. The man replies, “I do everything I can to keep her happy. But most importantly, I took her to Rome for our 25th anniversary.”

The preacher replies, “That’s great! What do you plan to do for her for your 50th anniversary?”

The man says, “I’m probably going to bring her back.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A man was walking down the sidewalk. From out of nowhere a voice spoke to him. “Stop. Don’t take another step. A brick is about to fall on your head and kill you.”

The man stopped, and a brick crashed to the sidewalk in  front of him. He was amazed. He looked up. He looked around. He couldn’t find the source of the voice. He kept walking.

The voice came again. “Stop. Don’t cross the street. A car is about to run a red light, and it will kill you.”

The man stopped at the curb, and a speeding car charged through the intersection. The man was astounded. He looked around, but he saw nothing.

He spoke, “Where are you? Who are you?”

The voice spoke to him, “You can’t see me. I’m your guardian angel. I make sure nothing bad happens to you.”

The man was amazed. “Really? A guardian angel? Where were you when I got married?”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

An Irishman walks into a pub in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness, and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes all three he goes back to the bar and orders three more pints.

The bartender reminds him, “You know that when I draw a pint it starts to go flat. It would be better if you ordered one pint at a time.”

The Irishman explains, “It’s this way. I have two brothers. One is in America, the other is in Australia. I’m here in Dublin. When we parted ways years ago we promised we would drink this way to remember when we all drank together.”

The bartender admits it’s a nice custom and leaves it at that.

The Irishman becomes a regular customer, coming to the pub at least once a week. But then one day he comes in and only orders two pints. He looks very sad, and everybody knows something terrible has happened.

“I see there’s only two of you now,” the bartender tells the Irishman. I’m sorry for your loss.”

“Oh, no,” the Irishman explains. “My brothers are still all right. It’s just me. I’ve quit drinking.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

Some witticisms from Steve:

I had sex with a married woman in an elevator. It was wrong on so many levels.

Q: Why do seagulls fly over the sea?
A: Because if they flew over the bay they’d be bagels.

A lot of conflict could have been avoided if cowboy architects had just made their towns big enough for everyone.

My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations. I’m pretty sure she was hitting on me.

Someone broke into my house and stole all the lamps. I was delighted.

Q: What did the coder say to his coder girlfriend?
A: You had me at “hello world”.

I love the idea of living a healthy life. But only the idea of it.

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A sunny day in Ireland, and two men are sitting in  a pub, drinking some Guinness, when one turns to the other and says, “You see that man over there? He looks just like me. I think I’m gonna go over there and talk to him.”

So, he goes over to the man and taps him on the shoulder. “Excuse me, sir,” he starts, “but I noticed you look just like me.”

The second man turns around and says, “Yeah, I noticed the same thing. Where are you from?”

“I’m from Dublin,”

The second man, stunned, says, “Me too! What street do you live on?”

“McCarthy street,” the second man replies.

“Me to! What number is it?”

The first man announces, “182.”

The second man, shocked, says, “Me too! What are your parents’ names?”

The first man replies, “Conner and Shannon.”

The second man, awestruck, says, “Mine too! this is unbelievable!”

So, they buy some more Guinness, and they’re talking some more when the bartenders change shifts. The new bartender comes in and goes to the other and asks, “What’s new today?”

“Oh, the Murphy twins are drunk again.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

One day a man was walking along the beach when he tripped over a lamp. He turned around and kicked the lamp out of anger. Instantly a genie popped out of the lamp.

Reluctantly, the genie said, “Even though you kicked me, I still have to give you three wishes. However, because of what you did, I will also give twice what you wish for to the person you hate the most, your boss.

So the man agreed and made his first wish. “I want lots of money,” he said. Instantly 22 million dollars appeared in the man’s bank account, and 44 million dollars appeared in  his boss’s account

For his second wish the man asked for a couple of sports cars. Instantly a Lamborghini and a Ferrari appeared. At the same time two of each car appeared outside his boss’s house.

Finally the genie said, “This is your last wish. You should choose carefully.” To this the man replied, “I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

Mother of Jesus, please come back.

A New York attorney representing a wealthy art collector called his client.

“Saul, I have some good news, and I have some bad news.”

The art collector replied, “I’ve had an awful day. Give me the good news first.”

The lawyer said, “Well, I met with your wife today, and she informed me that she just invested $5,000 in two pictures that she thinks will bring a minimum of $15 million to $20 million, and I think she could be right.”

Saul replied enthusiastically, “Well done! My wife is a brilliant businesswoman! You’ve just made my day. Now I know I can handle the bad news. What is it?”

The lawyer replied, “The pictures are of you and your secretary.”