Bad Movie of the Week

One of a series

I caught this on Hulu—Transporter 3. That’s a curious title. I gave it a look. For sure. Bad Movie of the Week.

It’s the third installment of the Transporter series. It stars Jason Statham as Frank Martin the guy who will transport anything anywhere, no questions asked. This came out in 2008 from EuropaCorpTF1 Films Production, and others. Details are from Wikipedia. It doesn’t take long to figure this is all about gimmicks and no plot. I’m going to hit the FX high points and summarize.

It  starts out ominously enough. A container ship plows the Mediterranean, while down below two of the crew decide to  get personal with what they suppose to be some valuable cargo. The cargo turns out to be deadly, and they are the first to exit the plot. Their bodies are dumped overboard in bags.

Next we see a black Audi arriving at a ferry port. There is a driver and a passed out passenger, Valentina (Natalya Rudakova) in the front seat. The driver seems nervous. The passenger seems sexy. When the customs people get curious and demand both exit the car and come up to the office, the driver bolts. Police pursue. We eventually learn why. Neither the driver nor the passenger may step away from the car without attached bombs exploding.

The Audi plows into Martin’s living room. The driver is working for Martin. When an ambulance takes the driver away his bomb explodes. The people behind the plot introduce themselves and force Martin to take the job. He introduces himself to Valentina.

Frank stops by the shop of a friend, who figures out what the mechanism of the bomb is, but he can’t deactivate the system. The bad guys show up, and Martin lays some serious kick ass on them before continuing his mission.

It’s a chase. If either Frank or Valentina separate from the car the bomb attached to their wrist will go off. The chase gets serious, and there is some spectacular FX, including the usual with some bad guys flying off a cliff and their car exploding in a massive fire ball.

Frank is supremely frustrated. He figures out the “package” he is supposed to deliver is Valentina, daughter of a powerful trade commissioner. If the father does not sign off on unfettered delivery of the previously mentioned ship’s cargo (plus more), then the daughter will be killed. While Frank vents, Valentina gets horny. Frank has to put out to keep Valentina from canceling the game then and there.

Spectacular FX. Hemmed in on a bridge, with Valentina safely delivered to the bad guys and her bomb deactivated, Frank escapes by plunging  the Audi off the bridge and into the lake. The car is sprayed with machine gun fire and sinks to the bottom, but Frank succeeds in floating it to the top, and the police assist in getting it running again.

Frank must catch up with Valentina, being taken away aboard a train, but without leaving  the Audi. He jumps the car from a railroad overpass and onto the top of the speeding  train. Whoopee!

That’s not the end of it. After separating cars from the train, Frank jumps the Audi into the back of the remaining car with Valentina in it. With the Audi lodged inside the speeding railway car, Frank defeats the bad guys and rescues Valentina, who is  going to  be grateful in the best way possible.

And that’s all there  is to the movie. 94 minutes of running excitement and not much else. Absolutely unbelievable. Really a BMotW.

The movie has some serious continuity issues. The Audi has taken a nasty ride, sprayed with gunfire, jumped into a lake (crashing through the bridge railing), rescued from the lake, crashed on top of a moving train. And it still looks showroom fresh. It’s an amazing car. Too amazing. Give your credulity a break. And I’m not reviewing any more of these Transporter movies.

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One thought on “Bad Movie of the Week

  1. Pingback: Bad Movie of the Week | Skeptical Analysis

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