Bad Joke of the Week

One of a continuing series

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Exceptional One-Liners
  • If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they’d eventually find me attractive.
  • I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they’re flashing behind you.
  • Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
  • I changed my password to “incorrect” so whenever I forget it the computer will say, “Your password is incorrect.”
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • I’m great at multi-tasking—I can waste time, be unproductive, and procrastinate all at once.
  • If you can smile when things go wrong, then you have someone in mind to blame.
  • Never tell your problems to anyone, because 20 percent don’t care and the other 80 percent are glad you have them.
  • Doesn’t expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
  • Take my advice—I’m not using it.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
  • I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
  • Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they’re at home when you wish they were.
  • Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • I bought a vacuum cleaner six months ago and so far all it’s been doing is gathering dust.
  • Every time someone comes up with a foolproof solution, along comes a more-talented fool.
  • I’ll bet you $4,567 you can’t guess how much I owe my bookie.
  • Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
  • If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you’ll have trouble putting on your pants.
  • A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
  • Ever stop to think and forget to start again?
  • When I married Mrs. Right I had no idea her first name was Always.
  • My wife got 8 out 10 on her driver’s test—the other two guys were too quick.
  • There may be no excuse for laziness, but I’m going to keep looking.
  • Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
  • Give me ambiguity or give me something else.
  • He who laughs last thinks slowest.
  • Is it wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly?
  • Women sometimes make fools of men, but most guys are the do-it-yourself type.
  • I was going to give him a nasty look, but he already had one.
  • Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
  • The grass may be greener on the other side, but at least you don’t have to mow it.
  •  I like long walks, especially when they’re taken by people who annoy me.
  •  I was going to wear my camouflage shirt today, but I couldn’t find it.
  •  If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.
  •  Sometimes I wake up grumpy; other times I let her sleep.
  •  If tomatoes are technically a fruit, is ketchup a smoothie?
  •  Money is the root of all wealth.

2 thoughts on “Bad Joke of the Week

  1. Wisecracks. ‘Twas an era of wisecracks. Followed vaudeville with its elaborate slow-paced feed-it-out-to-the-hayseeds “ethnic jokes” and such. Era of wisecracks was followed by the Third Reich imposing its will over much of the world; wisecracks dampened down.

    The meme is a sort of visual / mental wisecrack. So is the animated .gif – a moving wisecrack.

  2. Pingback: Bad Joke of the Week | Skeptical Analysis

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