The Ever-Diminishing List of Those Who Cannot Obtain Life Insurance at any Price

One of a continuing series

Omar al-Shishani from Google Images

Omar al-Shishani from Google Images

Yes, it is a continuing series. Here’s the latest:

Washington (CNN) Two U.S. officials told CNN that the Obama administration has assessed that ISIS senior operative Omar al-Shishani is dead.

The officials said he was injured in a U.S. airstrike last week and then died subsequently, though they wouldn’t say how they know he is dead.

But, as CNN goes on to report, the Aamaq agency, supposedly the media mouth for ISIS (Daesh), disclaims reports of Mr. al-Shishani’s departure. Readers, I promise to get to the bottom of this. I will contact MetLife to see if they are preparing to pay out on his policy.

Just kidding. these guys can’t obtain life insurance—not at any price. Certainly not from MetLife. Maybe through one of the drip line agencies selling policies out of the back of a stolen SUV:

“Hey, Omar, want to buy a term life policy?”

“Sure, how much?”

“How much you got?”

“Term life? What terms?”

“Until Tuesday. Or until you die. Whichever comes first.”

“What’s that buzzing noise in the sky?”

But seriously, readers, we can only believe al-Shishani was one bad dude. The Independent provides a snatch of his bio:

Born in 1986 in a predominantly Chechen area of Georgia, Shishani fought as a Chechen rebel against Russia in 2006 before the Georgian military’s fight against them in 2008.

According to Aymenn Jawa al-Tamimi, a research fellow at the Middle East Forum, he reapplied in northern Syria in 2012 as the head of a band of foreign fighters.

He is believed to be close to Isis’ supreme leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi despite not being a member of the political elite controlling the terror group.

“Close to ISIS’ supreme leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi?” Apparently too close. Anyhow, they are going to be needing a new Head of a Band of Foreign Fighters. Volunteers are lining up.

“Get back in here. That’s the line to the latrine. Sabu, you’re next. Your new office is in the old fig market. Turn right past the bomb crater. You can’t miss it. There’s a large X painted on the roof.”

Keep reading for further adventures of “Sabu, Fearless Head of a Band of Foreign Fighters.” It’s coming soon to a blog post near you.

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One thought on “The Ever-Diminishing List of Those Who Cannot Obtain Life Insurance at any Price

  1. Pingback: The Ever-Diminishing List of Those Who Cannot Obtain Life Insurance at any Price | Skeptical Analysis

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